Manners

I like to think that I am a polite person.  I value manners.  I say 'please', 'thank you' and 'sorry' (and I actually mean it).  I  open doors for others and give generously.  I listen to what others have to say.  I am constantly amazed, however that an acts of kindness is perceived as seduction.  

No, Mr Broken Leg, offering to assist you with your shoe lace does not mean I want you to get in my pants!

Worth in a free market

At the heart of personality is the need
to feel a sense of being lovable without
having to qualify for that acceptance.
Paul Tournier

On the surface it may look like I have something to offer the world.  However, I have never been a confident person.  I have very little self esteem and no self worth.  I am constantly fighting the demons inside my head.  It is a circular argument: if I was worthy I would be treated better but if I was treated better then perhaps I would believe I was worthy. 

However, because I am a scientist I cannot ignore the evidence.  No matter how I look at it, the truth is glaringly obvious.  Although I'd like to think that I am worthy of playing the leading role, I actually deserve nothing more than a bit part.  Moreover, I'm actually a fill in.  An understudy.  A temporary distraction.  A conquest that, once won, no longer has a purpose. 

Worth in a capitalist society with a free market is determined by what people are willing to pay.  And while I am not necessarily talking in monetary terms, evidence would suggest that my worth waivers between nil and negative value.  In fact, I should 'pay' for the privilege to spend time with people.  The longer I spend with them, the more it costs.  

My previous dreams of a loving family unit have been shattered and will never be reformed.  I have accepted that.  I adore my children and I am heartbroken by the circumstance we are in but I have accepted that I fought a major battle to retain that dream and I lost.  I can hold my head up knowing that I did everything I possibly could and went beyond what would be reasonable to expect anyone to do to keep that together.  I fought for years longer than I should have in an attempt to hold onto those dreams.  Not only for me but for my children.  I have accepted that.  I know that there is nothing more I could have done to hold it all together.  I accept that there are consequences for that choice despite how much I hate them.

I realised yesterday what I want in life.  I am, however, powerless to get it.  I love love.  I find it very easy to love people.  I find it immensely difficult to find people who meet my standards but loving them once I find them is easy.  I am willing and capable of unconditional love (perhaps that is the very reason I get mistreated).  I am saddened that I am not worthy of that in return.  I am saddened that, at the root of my inner self, I am not worthy of people's time; of their affection and their ongoing companionship.  I end up looking pitiful.   A little lost puppy hanging around and waiting for scraps.

Accepting that is going to take a long time because, at the heart I am a romantic and I want to be loved.  I am not expecting someone to take on my shit.  I am not looking for a father for my children - they already have one and he's a pretty damn good Dad.  I am not looking for someone to do stuff for me; I am pretty self reliant.   I don't want someone attached to my hip but I do want to be hugged and kissed; I believe touch is healthy.  I don't expect 24/7 attention either, I am a mother and my children are my priority.  Plus, I have my own interests and I don't ever want to lose sight of that.  I like spending time with my friends and I would want anyone in my life to do the same.  I never again want to be stifled nor would I want to do that to someone else.  Freedom is important and healthy.

I want to find someone who accepts me for me, despite my many flaws, and wants to spend time with me anyway. Someone who is willing to put in a little effort to meet my needs occasionally.  I am a pretty generous person and I don't think I am unreasonable in my requests.  I do not expect to be cherished or worshiped.  I do no expect gifts or pampering.  I do, however, expect not to be trampled on.  I deserve to be treated with respect.

Strength of unity

Today my gorgeous nephew turned twelve (he also beat me at pool but let's move on, shall we?).  We had a lovely (loud) dinner to celebrate followed by our family tradition of my aunt's chocolate cake and out-of-sync singing of "Happy birthday".  

The celebrations tonight have allowed me time to reflect on how awesome my family are.  Sure, they piss me off from time to time - they're family after all!  But they are brilliant people.  There is always a lot of conversation at our family gatherings.  In recent months I have entertained people with my potty mouth and tales of my depressing cesspool of a life but the stories are always with humour and light.  No one is ever left alone; we all wander around chatting to each other and everyone pitches in with the preparation and clean up.  There's never one person bearing the weight of the work, which I love.  

We always miss those family members that cannot join in - like my cousin who now lives in Sydney.  It's not the same without her but we all understand why she's there and we are truly happy for her.  I think that's the essence of our family.  We actually care about each other.  It's not a superficial veneer.  There is honest affection, consideration and love for each other.  And I know, no matter what happens, they will be there for me.

I have missed out on my family for over a decade and I find it positively rejuvenating to be immersed in them again.  I am recharged (albeit exhausted and perhaps suffering short term hearing damage) after being surrounded by my family.  Around them I can truly be me.  I can wear what I want, say what I think and know that it will make no difference to them. I am free to mingle with kids, playing games and talking shit but equally accepted in deep and meaningful conversations with my peers and my elders.  

I can see the patience in the men in our family who put up with the antics of us women; we are a vibrant lot!  I also see how damn lucky those same men are to be surrounded by strong, competent, beautiful and intelligent women.  Women who are capable, confident and sassy.  

I am proud to be a part of my family; ashamed that I allowed myself to be pulled away for so long but thankful to be in among it again.

Fairy tales

I postulate that our society is fundamentally flawed.  Our children are exposed to stereotypes and the glorification of life from birth.  Ergo they cannot possibly expect to grow up balanced and mentally stable.   Our daughters are fed fairy tales of beautiful women being swept off their feet by gorgeous princes who deliver flowers, ride horses and protect them from the evils in life.  Our sons are led to believe that they can fight anyone that crosses them (and win).  They are imbibed with images of muscled men with chiseled jaws and unparalleled ninja skills; exceptionally coordinated, brave and indestructible.

And the truth is that the Disney version of the fairy tales that are intravenously fed to our children are not an accurate reflection of the original stories.  In the original story Snow White was forced to put on red hot shoes and dance until she died; Pinnochio was hanged for his lies; the princess did not kiss the frog to turn him back to a prince but threw him against a wall; Hansel and Gretel's parents abandon them because they are too poor to feed them and the French version of Sleeping Beauty sees the prince rape her while she is in a coma.

It's no wonder there are so many people with skewed ideas of life; of how to treat others and what to expect in their future.  There are so many people that treat others terribly. And, they consistently get away with it.  Moreover, people actively chase these personality types; seeking their approval, desperate to spend time with them.  It perplexes me.  I find it morbidly fascinating.


I think that's one of the reasons I love Brave so much.  Merida is not the classic princess.  She is a skilled archer with wild hair and zero table manners.  I love that she fights for her freedom and does not end up marrying the prince.

I plan on teaching my children differently; passing on the life skills that I am learning currently as they grow up.  Life is not perfect.  Far from it in fact.  I have realised that we need to be equipping our children with the ability to be self sufficient (read self confident).  Rather than protecting them from the evils and complexities of life, we need to be teaching them the skills they will need to cope with the inevitable ups and downs that will come their way.  

Our daughters (for the most part) will not become princesses.  Likewise, our sons will not be parkour masters.  They need to realise, and learn to cope with, the fact that the world is a tough and indiscriminate place.  Moreover, I need to learn and accept that before I can pass that wisdom onto my children and equip them with the skills to get through life less scarred than I am.  

Like many others, I was fed the fairy tales.  I was led to believe that my life would work out okay; that everyone gets the happy ending; that I would be loved and cherished.  The truth is otherwise.  However, because of my ingrained way of thinking, I can not cope with nor accept the fact that I am unlovable regardless of how much I need to.  I am thirty six years old and I need to re-learn all the fundamental truths I once took as fact.  

Despite my name, I am actually not lovable.  Nor am I worthy of love.  I am not perfect, nor will I ever achieve perfection regardless of how hard I try.  I am not going to be exceptional at anything.  I, like 99.99% of the population am nothing special.  I am not unique.  I am  Acceptance will take a long time but hopefully it will bring peace.

I'm my own worst enemy

"I don't want to be my friend no more. I want to be somebody else" - Pink

This is not how I want to be.  I used to be smart; be able to make decisions and follow through with them.  Right now, I am incapable of doing so and my frustration at that is mounting daily.  Like the unhelpful relative that tells someone with a mental illness, I just want to snap out of it.  I know and appreciate that I have spiraled downwards for many years and I know that the evidence suggests it will take months to be able to have the strength to be able to dig my way out of my cesspool but some days I am just so over wading through the pile of crap that my life has amounted to that I just want something, anything to not be a struggle. I am not expecting life to be easy.  But one day without drama or incident would be very welcome right now.

Like someone at work said during the week about a project we're working on "it's like trying to swim through molasses".  Except molasses is sticky and sweet.  My life is just a sticky, rotting pool of filth that I desperately try to wash off each and every day.  I have to admit that I cannot see progress.  For all the effort I am putting in, I cannot see that I am moving forward.  At all.

The optimist in me battles on but, like a cornered coward, I have little left to give. I am waging a war against the injustice of the legal system.  I am losing but I persist.  If for no other reason than that I will be able to tell my children that I did all that I could.  That, like in my failed marriage, I fought with every fibre of my being.  That I did all that I knew how to do.  That I did not give up.  That I refuse to give up easily.  That I spend hours every night pouring over legal cases looking for something, anything that will assist.  That I come up with nothing night after night but I keep going back.  Searching, scrambling, clutching at the slightest glimmer of hope.

I fight battle after battle.  With each battle I am more scarred, more damaged, more broken.  With every war I rage I come out with less conviction, less faith in my ability and less in reserve to battle with.  With each assault I realise that I am going to continue to be screwed over for the decisions I have made and for my lack of foresight.  With each passing week, I can see the dream I have slipping through my fingers.  It's like trying to hold onto jelly.  What little good I had in my life is melting before my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it.  The stronger I try to clutch it the faster it melts.

Respect

Respect yourself enough to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, helps you to grow or makes you happy.

Doughnuts

It's a hard lesson to learn in life but if people consistently give you nothing for all the effort you put in, it's time to face facts and admit that they're just not interested.  Sometimes it's important for self preservation to realise when you mean nothing to someone and move away from that.

When people give you doughnuts, you might as well put the kettle on and make a cup of tea!