Butterfly effect

In chaos theory, the butterfly effect (now a movie) explains the sensitive dependence on initial conditions where a small state of change can result in large changes in the end result. That's a fancy way of saying that, given the same starting point, a small change/different decision can make a huge difference to the end game.

I often wonder how my life might be different now if I had have done things only slightly differently years ago. Somewhat like Sliding Doors, but where I get a better haircut than Gwyneth.

For example, I was looking to buy a property in Brunswick in my first year of uni. It would have been a huge financial burden while I was studying. I was working part time while studying full time and a mortgage would have literally killed my social life. My father convinced me not to buy. His wise words at the time were "you only live once. Have some fun while you are young. There are plenty of years where you get to be a grown up". I took heed to hi advice. I spent my money on vodka. I had a great time - the uni years were some of the best of my life - but I do regret not making that purchase. It would have set me up for life.

Or travelling. I had a long term relationship end very badly when I was in my early twenties. I was on the verge of travelling overseas but decided that it was a reckless decision. If I had have travelled  I doubt I would have ended up married to the man I did. I wanted to go to New York for my twenty fifth birthday, instead we saved the money and decided to try for children. This is a decision I will never regret (I adore my children and would not have my life without them) but I do wonder how travel would have changed me as a person. And the trip I did take to Thailand. I wonder where I would be if I had not have taken that leap of faith and spent the week by myself; challenging my body and mind. I doubt the wonderful man I am with now would have asked me out.

We make countless decisions all day long. We will never know which one, or sequence of multiple decisions, brings us to our final resting place.

I an honestly say that there are few things I regret in my life. Almost all of them are things I have NOT done. The things that I have done have led me to the place that I am right now. And, though my life is not perfect (I desperately want to have my babies with me full time), I am pretty fucking happy. I am in love with the spunkiest, sweetest, kindest man. I have two beautiful children. I have a family I can depend on. I have a couple of truly solid friends. My life is rich in so many ways.

Inspiration

Inspiration can come from a myriad of places - people, nature, music, movies, books and prose.

When I think of inspirational people I think of Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Thomas Jefferson, Helen Keller, Muhammad Ali, Anne Frank, Maya Angelou, James McKenna and Kofi Annan. Each of these individuals has dedicated their life to something they were passionate about.  Passion is very inspirational. I find people with passion to be the most interesting, whether I am passionate about the subject matter or not. I am particularly inspired by people who fight for the oppressed. I am a humanitarian at heart and will always stand up for the underdog. 

I am also inspired by nature – trees and water in particular. I find them calming. I think the fact that they come coupled with fresh air makes a difference too. Breeze helps to metaphorically clear the mind. When the mind is clear of obstructions one can be inspired to do great things.

Music is fundamental to my life. I rely very heavily on music to pull me out of darkness when it settles in. I find I can escape in lyrics and there are many songs that touch my soul and inspire me to strive for betterment. 

There are occasionally movies and often books that inspire me. I deliberately steer clear of fiction. I have no space in my life for trashy novels. I use movies to escape into another world.  When I read, I want to learn. I want to expand my brain or explore the way it works; assessing the thoughts I have and work towards self-improvement.

I am not a huge fan of poetry but there are occasions where I have found inspiration in prose. I know that there are many people out there who are inspired by poems though so I cannot discount this as a valuable source of inspiration.

The trick is to find something every day that inspires you to reach further, train harder or be kinder. The world needs people that think; people that treat those around them with respect and dignity and people that value their health. Go out and be one of those people. Learn new things, eat fresh food, get active, read. There are so many wonderful things out there that come free of charge – soak them up! Then spread the joy that you find in them with those you love the most. Make real connections.  Discuss the things that matter. Love wholeheartedly. Give freely without thought of return. Volunteer. Find your passion and live life to the full. Every day.

Pareto Principle

I have too much going on at the moment. Like the strawberry my boyfriend  presented to me on a chopping board while I did my hair before we went out, I have well and truly bitten off more than I can chew.

So, I revert to the Pareto principle,where 80% return comes from 20% of your effort. The 80/20 rule not only applies in project management, it applies in life too.  Biting off the big chunks first to make sure that the high priority, high risk items are dealt with promptly and hoping that everything else gets sorted out in the wash, so to speak

Johari window

As a result of my studies, I have been alerted to the Johari window, a psychological technique used to better understand ourselves and the relationships we have with others. Using heuristic techniques, the Johari window highlights the way in which we see ourselves. Using a set list of fifty five adjectives, you choose the half a dozen that best describe your personality. 

The full list is 

• able
• accepting
• adaptable
• bold
• brave
• calm
• caring
• cheerful
• clever
• complex
• confident
• dependable
• dignified
• energetic
• extroverted
• friendly
• giving
• happy
• helpful
• idealistic
• independent
• ingenious
• intelligent
• introverted
• kind
• knowledgeable
• logical
• loving
• mature
• modest
• nervous
• observant
• organized
• patience
• powerful
• proud
• quiet
• reflective
• relaxed
• religious
• responsive
• searching
• self-assertive
• self-conscious
• sensible
• sentimental
• shy
• silly
• spontaneous
• sympathetic
• tense
• trustworthy
• warm
• wise
• witty

The following are the ones I would choose for myself

1. caring
2. complex
3. energetic
4. independent
5. reflective
6. trustworthy

A little morning jaunt

I am so lucky. I not only get to share my life with the most incredible man but I get to work in the same building as him - watch him saunter down the hallway, randomly hear his voice from across the office, catch up for the occasional lunch when he's not gyming it up. But the best part about working with the man I love is that we go for a quick walk at 0800 every day so he can get a triple shot (today was a quad) skinny latte. 

We will occasionally sneak a kiss in the elevator and he sometimes puts his hand on my waist as we walk through the mall to the organic shop.

Hands down the best part of my morning!

Dance like nobody's watching

There's a meme floating around - dance like nobody's watching, because they're not.They're all checking their phones. 

As I cooked eggs for breakfast this morning, I realised that I stress so much about what I look like and no one cares. Apart from me. No one is looking at my wobbly bits so why does it matter? There's no one out there craving to see my naked body. There's nobody critiquing the adipose tissue on my hips or the fact that my thighs bulge. There's not a single person in the world looking at the layer of fat that covers my entire body. No. One. 

So why do I tear myself to pieces about it? Why does it matter so much to me? Why is unattainable perfection so important? Why do I work myself to illness at the gym? Why do I berate myself for eating three pieces of chocolate after dinner (not three blocks, three squares)? What does it matter?

In truth, it doesn't. It really, really does not. 

Being a specific weight and size does not make me a better person. It does not make me more likeable. It definitely does not make me richer. Nor does it ensure that I will live longer. Having loose jeans will not make my boyfriend love me. Nor will looking good in a bikini make me more compassionate.

The traits that I value are not based on the size of underwear I wear. They are based on the way I treat others. I value honesty, kindness, compassion, generosity, thoughtfulness and authenticity. None of that comes from working out like an elite athlete. All those things come from being emotionally available with a smidgen of vulnerability. The traits that hold weight for me are about being human, not superhuman. 

Apart from my boyfriend, no one ever asks me how much weight I lift or how many reps I did. No one cares. But I care. So I will continue to work out because it matters to me. Not because it might make my boyfriend want to make love to me - because it doesn't. Not because my mother will finally be proud of me - because she won't. Not because it makes me more desirable as a person; it doesn't. I do it because it brings me happiness. It brings me peace. And it helps me to face the barrage of shit that seemingly gets thrown at me as I make my way through life. 

I work out because I want to. I eat clean because I want to. I stay hydrated because I want to. I have made a conscious choice to do these things for me. I get up at 0400 when it is three degrees outside because I like to get ahead of the pack. I am not interested in following like a well behaved little sheeple. I will not comply because that is what is expected of me. I will continue to make decisions in my life for me. I am the one that needs to live with myself and the decisions I make. No one else.

If people are going to talk about you (which they're not - see previous point about the fact that they don't care), you might as well give them something to say. And I want them to say that I led a full life. One in which I looked after myself but one where I made sure that those around me are happy.  I truly believe that it is the little things in life that matter. Like leaving the man you love a handwritten note on the kitchen bench every single morning when you sneak out of the house before dawn. Or making sure that you remember people's birthdays. Or jumping up and down like a 5 year old when a friend gets engaged. Sending a text to help motivate a friend with their fitness journey. Those are the things that matter.

Regret

Regret is such an interesting emotion. For me, regret is intertwined with guilt. Despite the fact that it was unsafe for me and unhealthy for my children, I feel guilty that I left my marriage. I feel guilty that I could not make it work. I regret that I could not make the father of my children love me. After countless attempts over many long years, he couldn't see my misery. He was unwilling to follow through on his endless promises of change. Instead, he sat on the couch for days at a time, unshowered and unhappy. Nothing I could do could pull him out of his depression and addiction. There are days where I regret not fighting harder, or for longer. And there are other days where I can't believe I didn't leave sooner. The guilt kicks in - "why did I stay?", "why didn't I seek legal advice before I left?", "how could I be so stupid as to think there would be a way to help him see reason?". 

Again, the man I married is not an evil man. I just wasn't the right girl for him so he tried to mould me into someone else. I regret not standing up for myself. I regret not chasing my dreams. I regret giving up so much of who I was for him. And I worry that I will fall into the same trap again.