The need for love

I had a conversation with one of my favourite people today. He said he can't understand why people want to be in a relationship. I've pondered this since and, while I no longer need it, I want it. I want it.   I really, really want it.

I want someone who wants me. Who looks at me and smiles; someone who wants to spend time with me and will make the effort to do so. I want to dine together, exercise together, laugh together and have fun. So much fun. I want free flowing honest conversation and comfortable silences. I want someone who challenges me. Who encourages me to be a better person. I want respect. Partnership. Honesty.

I will settle for no less.

The great cussing debate

I have been trying to stop swearing. I know I swear too much. I know it is unladylike. I know that, if I am to progress to where I want to be, I need to cease and desist with foul language.

But.... sometimes "gosh darn it" does not convey the emotion required for a particular situation.

Pivot points

There are times in our lives when things change. The catalyst can be large (giving birth to a child) or small (meeting someone new). I have many moments in my life where I have known that my life had taken a sharp turn and would never be the same again. On my wedding day when my new husband told me that I was no longer allowed to drink alcohol; when I found out I was pregnant with my first child; when my first birth ended in emergency cesarean; when I had a beautifully peaceful homebirth; when, after collapsing, I was lying on the ground under the washing line and saw my husband standing on the back porch looking at me as I drifted in and out of consciousness; when I walked into my parents' home after a long day at work and my mother asked me if I wanted a cup of tea and I decided, at that very moment, that my marriage was over; when I chatted to a stranger at a bar who slurred at me that I was the most beautifully plain person he had ever seen in real life and when I was rejected by an overweight man in his mid forties before he had even taken the time to meet me in person.

You never know the impact you will have on another person. You will never know what effect your words will have on someone. That man in the bar who told me I was beautifully plain, though he was blind drunk, had no reason to lie to me. The way he looked at me, like he was looking straight into my soul, was overpowering. While I was waiting to be served I could feel him looking at me. He was clearly an alcoholic. A man who had dived into the bottle many years earlier searching for escape, freedom from the pain in his life; a fleeting moment of relief. The bar was busy but not hectic so as I turned he looked straight at me. There was something about that man the struck me. Even when he was looking at me I was not creeped out, like I often get when people maintain line of sight for longer than they should. The man was well weathered. Possibly homeless. He had iridescent blue eyes and long dark lashes. His greying, thinning hair was all disheveled. But he was not threatening. As I held his gaze for a second I could not help but smile. His eyes twinkled a little bit but his mouth never moved. He looked me straight in the eye and said "You are the most beautifully plain person I have ever seen in real life. You move with such grace. You could be such a great woman but you are cursed like me, with a mind that never stops". I wanted to stop and talk to the man. But I could see that the person I was with was getting agitated so I walked away. But his words have stuck with me, years later.

Whenever I am having a bad day, I think of that man with his intense stare and dark blue eyes. I know I am not ugly. I know that I have beauty inside of me. I know that I am overfull with love that I crave to share with someone special but I do not want to be an imposition on anyone anymore. I am too intense for anyone to be able to bear. There is no man out there man enough to be able to handle me. I need to ball up and ensure that I don't ruin any more lives. I need to hold onto my own shit and learn to cope by myself.