I'm getting married. Exciting, I know. But I am also terrified. With one failed marriage, I am petrified that I will fail with this one too.
While my fiance is a completely different man to my ex husband, I am still worried that I am making a mistake. I had every intention for my first marriage to last a lifetime, what makes me think that this one will be more successful?
Naturally, I have grown considerably in the last 17 years and I am not the woman I was when I married the first time but I still doubt my ability to make good decisions.
The last few weeks the feeling of dread has grown and infected every part of my day to day life. I have found myself questioning everything. Am I happy? Am I doing the right thing? Do I have my values in tact? Am I overthinking things? Am I not thinking enough? Am I just coasting through life? Am I setting myself up for disaster? Am I overly critical? Should I just relax? Or should I listen to my inner voice?
I am having nightmares again and I feel stressed most of the time. This makes me snappy and overcritical which is unpleasant to be around which just exacerbates my concerns and down the negative feedback loop we go.
As the wedding plans solidify, I get more and more anxious about our relationship. Are we really a good fit? Am I going to be happy with this man for the rest of my life?
Then I look at him and my heart melts. He makes me feel safe, he does all the 'right' things and appears genuinely interested in my well being. We have a shared interest in health and fitness, we both value family, our favourite meal is breakfast and we love movies. That's enough, right?
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
Friday, 7 April 2017
Childhood anxiety
Life has been so hectic lately. I know everyone is busy and we all need to make time for self care but, honestly. I am out of control at the moment. Life is too busy. Way busy. All the busy.
I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I have too many things competing for my attention.
On top of a grueling travel schedule for work, I have a wedding to plan, a lot of weight to lose in the next 24 weeks, a potential torn rotator cuff and, most importantly, a daughter who has, in the last five weeks or so, started suffering with anxiety. She's ten. TEN! She's still a baby. She shouldn't be so stressed she cannot cope with life at ten.
While nothing is more important to my children, they're making it hard for me by not answering the phone when they are with their Dad. So, while they are at the forefront of my mind all the time, I cannot seem to get a hold of them and it is driving me mad. I want to be there for them even if I can't BE there for them. Co-sharing children is always a juggle. It is NEVER easy to be away from your children. It pains me literally every day.
But the reality of life is that I have to support them financially and their father doesn't work (and hasn't for eleven years) so the burden is entirely on me to continue to work and earn enough to support the three of them and myself.
While my daughter's anxiety is a serious concern, I also worry about my beautiful boy. He's amazing with her when she's having a panic attack - calm, reassuring, sympathetic - but it can't be easy for him to watch his sister suffer like she is at the moment and I am mindful of the effect that must be having on him at the tender age of thirteen.
I think my daughter needs specialist help. I have spoken to her about this often. She flatly refuses. She has gone so far as to threaten never to see me again if I make an appointment and take her without her consent. Now, I know that I'm the adult and she's the child but I also know that my ex will side with her and I cannot afford a legal battle (and the thought of never seeing her again is too painful to consider) so I feel I have no choice but to find another way to help her. I have done so much online research on childhood anxiety - causes, triggers, strategies and coping mechanisms. I have contacted an expert in child anxiety in Melbourne but they will not 'treat by proxy'. I have also contacted my psychologist but he won't conduct Skype sessions and I am not in Melbourne often enough to see him in person. I have contacted friends who work in the industry and am waiting for some contacts to try other avenues for specific help. Until then I continue to try to coax her into mental stability from afar.
It is not an easy task.
So, I revert back to one of my foundation phrases. A sentence that has pulled me through my own darkness
I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I have too many things competing for my attention.
On top of a grueling travel schedule for work, I have a wedding to plan, a lot of weight to lose in the next 24 weeks, a potential torn rotator cuff and, most importantly, a daughter who has, in the last five weeks or so, started suffering with anxiety. She's ten. TEN! She's still a baby. She shouldn't be so stressed she cannot cope with life at ten.
While nothing is more important to my children, they're making it hard for me by not answering the phone when they are with their Dad. So, while they are at the forefront of my mind all the time, I cannot seem to get a hold of them and it is driving me mad. I want to be there for them even if I can't BE there for them. Co-sharing children is always a juggle. It is NEVER easy to be away from your children. It pains me literally every day.
But the reality of life is that I have to support them financially and their father doesn't work (and hasn't for eleven years) so the burden is entirely on me to continue to work and earn enough to support the three of them and myself.
While my daughter's anxiety is a serious concern, I also worry about my beautiful boy. He's amazing with her when she's having a panic attack - calm, reassuring, sympathetic - but it can't be easy for him to watch his sister suffer like she is at the moment and I am mindful of the effect that must be having on him at the tender age of thirteen.
I think my daughter needs specialist help. I have spoken to her about this often. She flatly refuses. She has gone so far as to threaten never to see me again if I make an appointment and take her without her consent. Now, I know that I'm the adult and she's the child but I also know that my ex will side with her and I cannot afford a legal battle (and the thought of never seeing her again is too painful to consider) so I feel I have no choice but to find another way to help her. I have done so much online research on childhood anxiety - causes, triggers, strategies and coping mechanisms. I have contacted an expert in child anxiety in Melbourne but they will not 'treat by proxy'. I have also contacted my psychologist but he won't conduct Skype sessions and I am not in Melbourne often enough to see him in person. I have contacted friends who work in the industry and am waiting for some contacts to try other avenues for specific help. Until then I continue to try to coax her into mental stability from afar.
It is not an easy task.
So, I revert back to one of my foundation phrases. A sentence that has pulled me through my own darkness
When you're going through hell, keep going
- Winston Churchill
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