Weekly motivation - week 17 - Perspective

Perspective is everything. 

I have learned that people can look at exactly the same thing and see something totally different. 

The pessimist complains about the wind

The optimist expects it to change

The realist adjusts the sails - William A Ward

The wind is unchanged in all three views but the perspective in each changes. Sometimes, you need to look at life from another perspective in order to get through the day/week/month/hard time.

If you don't like the way something looks, change the way you look at it! Don't like your calves? Be thankful that you don't have cankles. Not so keen on the whiteness of your teeth? Do something about it - book in to have them professionally whitened. 

I like the words of Aaron Rose at this point:

"In the right light, at the right time, everything is extraordinary"

So, if a simple adjustment in your perspective can change a life, what change can you make to turn your world around?

The imperfection of human relationships

No relationship is perfect. No amount of money or time can ensure a relationship is always sunshine and roses. Every union has issues from time to time. I'm not just talking about romantic relationships here, I am taking family and friends of all types.

So, what makes a relationship last? What attributes ensure a relationship stands the test of time?

Maybe it is different for everyone. Maybe each union has a unique formula required to ensure its success.

A foundation stone for me is respect. To me, respect is the basis for any successful relationship.

Fun is important too. Life's serious enough with work and bills and all that adult stuff. So, for me, it is important to play together. To find light in a situation. To seek out the positive side. To laugh and ignite a sense of adventure.

Shared core values are especially important for a romantic relationship. In fact, anyone that you spend a great deal of time with should, in my opinion, share your values for how people are treated and what's important in life. Periphery differences are manageable but I believe you have to hold the same core values to ensure longevity. For me it is family, honesty, hard work and trust.

People, experts no less, say that communication is a cornerstone for a successful relationship but I'm not sold. While, I think effective communication is important, I think it is a result of respect and shared core values rather than a key in and of itself. Perhaps I am skewed in my representation on this point as I tend to over communicate (and overthink). By over communicating I complicate things and my overactive mind creates problems that don't exist. By thinking them and voicing them, they become a self fulfilling prophecy.

I do believe, however, that if two people both want the relationship to work (and they respect each other, have a little fun and share the same core values) then there's no chance of them falling apart. Perhaps I am an eternal optimist. Perhaps I am naive. Perhaps... Or, perhaps, people let life get in the way of their relationships. Perhaps the real reason relationships fail is because we take them for granted. We stop saying thank you. We stop dating. We stop making time to truly listen to the other person when they speak. We forget to have adventures. We no longer grow together.  I think those are the times when relationships fail.

Detox - Day 2.5

Half way through the second day and I feel like shite. My head is pounding, I am cold and feeling downright miserable. Not cranky or moody, like I expected, but flat. Demotivated (which is not at all like me usually). I feel like crawling into bed with the doona pulled high and closing my eyes. Not that I am sleepy, per se but that I just don't want to. Apathy has taken hold. I don't want to. Whatever it is, I don't want to.

I am determined to stick it out as I am already half way there but, right this second, I am questioning the choices I make in my life. What kind of crazy woman voluntarily embarks on a quest to not eat solids for three days. I think it would be okay if I was looking forward to some soup at lunch time. Something warm and comforting. But the thought of drinking more liquefied vegetables is so unappealing. I would honestly rather have nothing

Detox - day two

I have woken up with a monster headache. I probably didn't drink enough water to support the detoxification process yesterday so need to make a renewed effort on that front today.

I am tired too. I feel like I am walking through molasses. Reduced calorie intake will do that.

I am also covered in juice 1. The bag I was carrying my "meals" in split and one of the shakers crashed to the floor covering me, my work jacket and my stunning new gym shoes in liquefied cucumber. My jacket will need to be dry cleaned. The lower third is covered in chunky green bits, having absorbed most of the liquid into the woolen fibres. Knowing that I am going to be cold today is bringing me to the verge of tears.  For a person who loves food, I don't even care that my first meal of the day is now splattered all over the foyer of the building I work in because it is no great loss anyway. My coat can be dry cleaned; I will take it down at lunch time. But my shoes.  My beautiful two day old orange and fluro pink Nikes will have an eternal green tinge.

And I feel so bad about the mess it made in the lobby. There is green splattered all over the floor. But, as is the way in a large corporate environment, all the cleaning products are locked away. For "safety". And it is still before 5am so there's no one I can call either.

Great start to the day!!

In flight ponderings

Observation leads to understanding and that, as humans, while it is fine to have things to entertain you, you were designed to think. Human brains crave stimulation. We thrive on learning new things. Our lives are richer when we are challenged. Having a dream, planning and then working steadily towards it brings deep satisfaction.

I find human psychology is fascinating. Knowing how the mind works means that we can moderate our responses. We can learn to respond differently - to train our brains to think in another way. It is, quite literally, a re-wiring. Through cognitive behavioural therapy (check it out here), we create neural pathways in the brain that alter our behaviour and the way in which we subsequently respond to similar situations. With reinforcement and conscious effort, we literally retrain our brains to function in a different way.

Change, therefore, is difficult but not impossible.

Change requires commitment. Discipline. Dedication. Perseverance.

And, when old habits take hold again (as they do from time to time); don't berate yourself. Accept that you are human and keep trying. Observe where you deviated from the path you wanted to be on and take corrective action to ensure it doesn't happen the next time you are in the same situation. Change, in this way, is incremental. With each re-exposure to a similar situation you make minor modifications in the way you respond and, therefore, you rewire your brain to respond in the alternate way in future.

This is your wake up call to get up each morning with renewed determination to do better. And, with time, you will.

Detox

I recently read Kate Hudson's "Pretty Happy" and was motivated to try a cleanse. This was expedited when I contracted food poisoning from a hotel restaurant while in New Zealand for work. The time was right to set my body a new challenge.

Being the fussiest fusspot in the world when it comes to food (allergies to onion and garlic are not conducive to standard cleanses), I finally found some juice options that needed only minor modifications for them to be able to fit into my diet. So, today I embarked on a three day juice cleanse. For the next 72 hours I will drink only juiced fruits and vegetables designed to rid my body of toxins and heal me from the inside.

While high expectations have been set by those who precede me, I am not unaware of the benefits of detoxifying the body. While I try to "eat clean", I do stray. I eat ice cream from time to time (dairy is my weakness) and the odd chocolate sneaks in with my nighttime cup of tea as I chill on the couch. That said, I recently returned from two weeks in New Zealand for a business trip and my eating habits while I was there were deplorable - such is the life of a chick on the road at the mercy of corporate catering. Add to this the aforementioned food poisoning which saw me throwing up for a night and my body was left feeling sluggish and bloated and my skin blotchy.

I am trying to approach the cleanse with an open mind. A sweet tooth at heart, the thought of drinking three cups of pulsated spinach is not all that appealing, to be honest. But I am determined to get my insides in order ahead of a new training program I will commence next week.

The challenge has been set - now is the time to test my willpower, determination and resolve. And hope that I get through the next 72 hours without causing harm to myself or others

Weekly motivation - week 16 - Time

There is a Cherokee philosophy that professes "either you run the day or the day runs you". Planning is paramount to ensure success.

We all have the same number of hours in the day. The way in which we utilise the time available to us is what sets us apart from the mob. 

Sure, there are times when you will elect to while away the hours in relaxation. That is not wasted time. That is a conscious choice to take a break. Structuring your free times means that you have flow in your day. Even when you are chilling out.

What are the time-wasters in your day? How can you eliminate or minimise them? What can you do to make mundane tasks more efficient? What can you do today with the 24 hour you have available to make your life happier?

Don't always say "there's still time" because time waits for no man. There is a little concept called "it's too late". Don't let that happen to you. Carpe diem.

Weekly motivation - week 15 - Self reflection

In order to become the best you can be, you need to understand yourself. Self reflection is the key to self-actualisation. Self reflection allows you to give serious, deliberate thought to your character and your actions.

Self reflection can lead to personal growth, professional growth and meaningful change in your life.

Self reflection gives us the opportunity to practice what we plan. It is a way of ensuring we meet the goals we have set for ourselves. Furthermore, reflection opens pathways to new perspectives. It creates space for us to change when a situation presents itself again.

What are your strengths? What skills do you have? What are you good at? Are you a person you can be proud of? Do others respect you? Are you performing at peak capacity? Are you giving your best to family and friends? Are you on your preferred path for the future?

What have you achieved? What are you most proud of? 

What makes you happy? How do you most like to spend your time? Are you engaging in meaningful activities? Do you make a positive impact on the world?

What are your flaws? What are the things about you that you like the least? What can you do to change some of the habits you have to move away from this person to a person that is more like the one you want to be? 

What are you disappointed about? Are you meeting the expectations of others?

What qualities do you want to foster in yourself? Who are your role models? Why do they appeal to you? What is it about other people you find attractive? How can you bring more of those qualities into your life?

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. ― Mahatma Gandhi

Weekly motivation - week 14 - Positive people

You cannot hang out with negative people and expect to have a positive life.

 

According to personal development enthusiast Jim Rohn (https://www.jimrohn.com/) you are, or will become, the average of the five people you spend the most time with so choose wisely. Choose to spend time with those people that motivate you; that provide inspiration; that do what they say they will because surrounding yourself with greatness promotes greatness in you.

There is plenty of evidence to support this claim (http://theincrementallife.com/you-become-who-you-hang-around/, http://lifehacker.com/5926309/how-the-people-around-you-affect-personal-success, http://freedomfastlane.com/you-become-who-you-hang-out-with/, http://www.secretentourage.com/motivation/surround-yourself-with-success-you-are-who-you-hang-out-with/).

Positive, motivated people tend to have similar traits

- they find the good in situations, don't blame others and tend to rise above adversity

- they are ambitious, setting big goals with a plan to achieving them

- they are clear about what they want

- they ask the right questions

- they rarely complain, knowing that their energy can be put to better use

- they don't procrastinate, showing self-motivation rather than relying on others to motivate them

- they are solution focused, always looking for a way to solve a problem and learning lessons from their experiences

- they are humble, possessing healthy self-esteem

- they are multi-dimensional and participate fully in life

- they are kind and generous

- they show authenticity

- they practice what they preach, with persistence when necessary

- they have honest relationships

- they compliment others with sincerity

- they display gratitude

- they look after their mind and body, taking time for themselves when they need to

- they continue to learn

Pretty happy

I finished Kate Hudson's 'Pretty Happy' this morning. A beautiful piece of work (cleverly filled with stunning photos of the beautiful lady herself to satisfy her fans that's are seeking same), it clearly articulates the principles of clean eating, Ayurvedic medicine and meditation without being overbearing. It's an easy read even though it is based on fact. It is uplifting and satisfying.

I thoroughly recommend it.

D day

Today marks one year since the day I delivered against my man's demands of providing him my favourite out of all the rings we tried on over the three previous months.

This morning had been quiet and reflective. Ive tried to squat, sweat and stretch the pain away.

In it for the long haul

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. How they fail and why some succeed against all odds.

There are so many reasons relationships fail. In a world of instant gratification, we give up easily. In a world where anything is possible, we move on too quickly. We think the grass is greener. We neglect the people right in front of us and seek connection online. We are selfish. And let's not overlook the growth industry that is abuse - physical, emotional and sexual. But at the root of them all, the source of all relationship failures is lack of respect. When we don't (or stop) respect our partners relationships begin to crumble.

Without a deep foundation of respect, love cannot grow. Without true appreciation for the person we share the greatest part of our life with; there is nothing. Cracks begin to show and soon everything comes crumbling down.

Weekly motivation - week 13 - Volunteer

Last week the focus was on what I could do for you. This week have a think about what can you do to help others. 

The benefits of volunteering (or just helping others) are well documented and range from making friends with like-minded people, fostering a sense of community, providing both motivation and a sense of achievement as well as boosting career options.  

One of the best way to get benefits from volunteering is to choose something you believe in and want to support. You can narrow your options by considering the following:

• who would you like wot work with - adults, children or animals?
• do you want to work alone or as part of a team?
• do you want to work behind the scenes or in a more visible role?
• how much time are you willing to commit?
• do you want to volunteer on a regular or ad-hoc basis?
• do you want responsibility in your role?
• what skills can you bring to volunteering?
• what causes are important to you?

If volunteering is not something you are interested in there are plenty of other ways to do good. You could lobby a politician on an issue you feel strongly about, take a do-good vacation (plant trees in Antigua, community development work in Kenya, English teaching in Japan), donate money, support companies that do good, mow a neighbour's lawn, offer professional services to a not-for-profit.

There are smaller ways to do good too. Speak kindly about other people. Listen to what they have to say not with the intention of replying but with the objective of understanding. Don't gossip. Clean up clutter and donate unwanted goods to charity. Do what you love and do it with passion. Only give genuine compliments (and accept compliments graciously). Donate blood. Take advantage of volunteer leave from work to do good with colleagues. Support click to give sites. Send a handwritten letter in the mail to someone you love. Or offer to be a mentor or Big Brother/Sister.

Watch me fly

I've forgotten how to practice self-care. Perhaps I never knew. Either way, I've been promising myself that I will get better but secretly held onto old habits out of fear. Those hurtful, negative ways of behaving have become familiar (and we all know that familiarity breeds contempt). The body shaming, born from an emotionally unstable relationship, continued long after the relationship ended. 

For the last five years I have been recovering. I have, albeit very slowly, been making changes to my life. But the slowest and most painful part of my transformation has been unseen. It has been the rebuilding of neural pathways. Breaking down patterns of self abuse for subjecting myself to some horrendous situations. The self-hate I have for the decisions I made was so deep-seated that it is taking a long, long time and a lot of energy to find my inner glory. 

Sure, I can turn it on. Hold my shit together for others as a way of saving face. I can, most of the time, hide the pain that lies underneath even from those nearest and dearest to me. But the truth is that I am still hurting. The truth is that there is still a lot of healing required. 

I have a long road ahead of me but I am, as always, optimistic. I am slowly building my toolkit of weapons against self-destruction and self-loathing. 

My conscious mind knows how unhealthy it is. I am cognisant of the fact that some of my behaviours and a lot of my thoughts are unbalanced. But they are part of the process. 

Experts suggest that for every year of emotional abuse it takes two to recover. I was married for twelve years. Not all of them were awful but I still have a lot of negativity to undo. 

While I have taken many steps to improve my physical state and reduce emotional eating as a coping mechanism and my mind is a much happier place I still have demons to fight. 

Awareness is the first step. Admitting that I hold onto old habits out of comfort is huge. I think it's been lying under the surface for a while but I have been blind to it. Perhaps I couldn't cope with it previously and I was subconsciously protecting myself. Perhaps it was self-sabotage. Perhaps it was naivety. Whatever the reason, I now need to start to address my mind (again). 

It's been a process of continual improvement. From the days where I would convince myself to just get out of bed, just get in the shower, just get dressed, just walk to work, just get inside the office, just read my email, just make it to morning tea, just write a couple of pages of a document, just make it to lunch, just listen to the next song. All the way through the day. For weeks and months on end that was my life. Moment to moment.

One night I went walking. I had not destination in mind. I just walked. I ended up standing on a bridge (just near where I now work). I climbed onto the barrier. I slowly and deliberately swung my legs over. I sat on that bridge for a long time. It was the middle of winter in the middle of the night. I sat there and willed myself not to let go. Each second that passed, each breath I took, I sat and tried to convince myself to hold on. My mind was clear. Eerily calm. I made a conscious decision to live that night. I walked the twenty odd kilometres home and walked in my front gate as the sun was rising. I walked inside, had a shower and went to work. I never told anyone about it. I never let anyone know how low I was. I never indicated what a mess I was or the depth of my pain. I didn't want to be a burden. 

I look back now and think of how much easier my recovery would have been if I had support. How much faster would I have bounced back if people around me were aware of how low I sank. How alone I was. How miserable my life felt. 

But I pushed on. Day by painful day, I slowly found things I enjoyed. Dancing, yoga and running all helped me. But I became addicted to the endorphins running produced in my body. I ran three times a day. I went to the gym up to ten times a week. I punished my body. It was the only thing I could control. I didn't eat well. I survived on thickshakes and alcohol. I only ate when I was with my kids. I was a mess. 

Not long after the night on the bridge I decided to leave my job. The change would spur me into action. I wouldn't be able to abuse exercise in a job that was more than three minutes from home. I would spend less time at home. I would spend less time alone. I would use the new job as a marker for change. 

I had turned a corner. I had made a conscious decision to live. I started to forge the life I wanted for myself. I invested in my family. I helped out at working bees and dedicated my time to serving others. I babysat my sisters kids. I helped mum clean out two homes. I helped my sister move. I reconnected with friends. I started to share snippets of my story. 

I joined online dating. And stopped very quickly. I was not ready. 

I danced with girlfriends. I still drank too much but I was functional. I started to eat (somewhat) regular meals. Even when the kids were not home. 

I forced myself to go to bed each night. Even if I didn't actually sleep, I at least spent some time each day lying down (prior to that I would often go a couple of days without turning down my doona). I spent time in the garden. I started writing. I wrote a lot. I let my heart pour out. 

I went back to the psychologist I had seen very regularly when I first separated. I saw him every second week. Some sessions I cried. Some I talked very little. Others I went to with a strict agenda - seeking answers. Garry was amazing. He made me feel safe, unjudged and normal. He reminded me of all the research I knew all too well. He was gentle at times and others he was a right royal arsehole. But he helped. Little by little I began to question my thoughts. The process of self assessment was ingrained and I changed my mind. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever done but it was so rewarding. 

I began to enjoy my children again. We'd play at the park and snuggle watching movies. We would giggle and play. They smiled more. I smiled more. 

But I was still holding back. I was scared. I took myself to Thailand and did the most intense therapy I have ever done. I spent nine days solely focussed on me. I delved into my heart and soul. I was brutally honest with myself. I cried. I ran. I did yoga. I swam. And I cried. I cried and cried and cried. But I healed. I let a lot of things go in Thailand. It was singularly the best decision I have ever made. It cost me a fortune that I couldn't really afford but it was exactly what I needed. 

I feel I am at a similar juncture at the moment. I am on the precipice of a massive mental breakthrough. Like with Thailand, I am giving myself permission to let go. I am allowing myself to be happy. I want to be happy. I know I am, at times, my own worst enemy but I am also my greatest strength. 

As I sit on a jet plane to Sydney for work, I am filled with the same emotions I had just before I landed in Thailand. I am about to shine. Last time I felt like this was just before I met the man that exceeded all my hopes and dreams. I wonder what is in store for me this time. 

Whatever it is, I know it is going to be great. I am ready to rewire my brain some more. I am ready for the pain and hard work that change requires. I am strong enough to face my fears. And I am excited about it. While I will filled with anxiety when I landed in Thailand. As I approach the runway in sunny Sydney I am thrilled. I am full of positive energy that will power me through this next metamorphosis. 

Early mornings and late nights

I bought Kate Hudson's book to read on the plane this morning. My man enhanced it 

Ego

Last night I saw Batman vs Superman and some of the statements about Superman's intentions had me thinking about ego. Ego, the part of your identity referred to as 'self', is actually a good thing. A conscious mind is a rare gift, in my opinion. It is when your conscious mind thinks more of yourself than others that there's a problem.


I like Einstein's definition of ego where ego equals one divided by knowledge. In this theory the more you know the smaller your ego, the more you know, the bigger your ego; suggesting that self importance diminishes with greater awareness. Freud, as always, takes it a little further stating that ego "attempts to mediate between id and reality" suggesting that identification of self and reality, when in check, leads to a healthy ego. When the two are out of balance, then ego is either less than it should be (low self esteem) or greater than warranted (egotistical).


Which leads into the existentialism theory (whereby each individual is solely responsible for giving meaning to life, living it passionately and sincerely and lending itself to authenticity). Perhaps my initial assessment of Superman was incorrect and that his motivation for doing good was less about ego and more about existentialism. May there be more Supermans in our world. May we associate with them; may we become one ourselves.


Now the question begs, what can be done to spark the Superman in you?

Weekly motivation - week 12 - Personal development

Personal development is a lifelong process. It allows you to assess your skills and set goals in order to reach your maximum potential. 

One way to reach your potential is to assess the seven life 'departments'

1. Work and career
2. Family
3. Mental/intellectual growth
4. Personal/social 
5. Physical health
6. Financial health
7. Spiritual health

Write them down and rate yourself against each one, where one indicates room for improvement and ten success. 

Look at the seven life departments again and rank them in order of importance (where one is the most important and seven least). Now compare the ratings your gave to each life department against the ranking you assigned. Are they in line? Are you focusing/excelling on the things that are important to you?

If you are, great. If not, what can you do about it? What changes can you make to ensure your energies are focused on the life departments that are important to you.

Growth is not a solo journey. We are not put on the planet to live in isolation.

Within every community there are resources you can use to support your journey. I am your partner and I want to make sure that I am actively supporting you in achieving your full potential. This week, reflect on your relative success in each life department and the importance you place on each then communicate to me what I can do to help you grow or achieve your goals.

Open letter to real men

Firstly, in a society that doesn't value people - here's a shout out and a huge thank you to the good men. To those men who take pride in their appearance, are well-groomed, have manners, open doors, walk on the street side of the footpath, do the heavy lifting, take out the garbage, fix stuff around the house and stay loyal to their women - a sincere and heartfelt thank you.

You are a rare and wonderful breed. In a word where domestic violence is on the increase, women's bodies are scantily clad and porn is more accessible than ever; thank you for holding true to your values. In a time where women post naked or near-naked selfies in an attempt to get attention, thank you for loving your imperfect partner. Thank you for showing her that you love the whole woman she is rather than just the shell of flesh she occupies. Thank you for being interested in her heart and soul. Thank you for holding her when she cries (though we are wonderful, we women face pressures that are too big for us and, from time to time, we need you to hold us; not fix us or solve our problems but be present and tell us we are beautiful even with snot and tears running down our blotched red face).

Thank you to the men who contribute financially to the household. While it is a traditional view on life, it is appreciated. And thank you for supporting us in our careers, too. Thank you to the men who take the kids out (or looks after them at home) so their woman can have some time to do the things she loves. Thanks to those men who teach their daughters/step-daughters/nieces/girls in their life what they should expect from a man when they grow up. And thank you for showing our sons what a real man is.

Meditation

Meditation is something that I have struggled with no matter how hard I have tried. Consistency may be key in this instance so I am going to dedicate myself to this task on a nightly basis for the month of April.