Fighting against who you are

Change is never easy. According to experts, by the time we're six or seven, we have become who we will essentially be for the rest of our lives.

So, when you get to being an adult and you decide you don't like who you are, it is fucking hard work to change that.

I am a perfectionist. Being a perfectionist at works means that I am in the office longer than I should be. I hold high (very high) standards for myself and the quality of work that I produce. As such, I cannot easily let things go if they are not 100%.

While this could be construed as an incredible positive for the corporation (though it is not valued like it should be); it comes at great personal sacrifice. Family time, chill time and me time are the things that suffer because of my nature.

And then there's the constant onslaught from loved ones - "you work too hard", "there has to be a better way of doing that", "you have to stop working so much", "you need time out". While their cautions come from a place of love, to a perfectionist their words cut like a knife.

The fight I wage internally is so much more painful. I KNOW I need more sleep. I KNOW I work too many hours. I KNOW it is not healthy. But my father ingrained in my work ethic with this simple phrase "if you are going to do something, do it well".

A blessing and a curse, this mantra has led me to produce some stellar pieces in my lifetime. But it is not without cost. Eventually, tipping point is reached and I cut back but I quickly slip back into old habits of long hours at the office.

I fear I will never find the balance I need to keep everyone happy. Damn pride!