Journey to radiance

If you liken me to a car, or maybe a truck because they 'live' for longer, I had a major overhaul following separation. It was a pretty intense rebuild. Close to write-off, I had to reform myself from the chassis up. New wheels, rims, engine, body, transmission - the works. But it turns out that there are still some dents. Each time I think I am healed something will happen to set me back and the work begins again.

Transformation is never easy. And there's a reason the butterfly builds a cocoon - no one wants to see that hard work that is involved in change.

Transformation is also not quick. You cannot wake up one morning and be different. It takes time. Dedication. Commitment. Change is achieved through consistently different behaviour.

I can see my flaws. I am not ashamed of imperfection. I try my best every day. Some days are better than others but I persist. I have a dream and a plan to get there and I inch my way forward day by day.

I see the life I want. A life of integrity - where what I believe, what I say and what I do are aligned. They are mismatched at the moment. Financial pressure, social obligation (perceived or real, I am not sure) and family expectations mean that I am somewhat limited in the choices I have. Every life coach will tell you differently - that you can make any choice you want for a different life - but the reality is that life comes with caveats. Children solidify these. Once you have children you are obligated forever. This is not something I would ever begrudge; it is merely a statement of fact. Having children means you have financial, biological and emotional obligations that can never again be ignored.

That doesn't mean I am trapped forever. It's not all doom and gloom. But it might take me longer to get to where I want to be than I would like it to.

In the meanwhile, I will work consistently and diligently to improve my situation. Each day I make choices that lead me to a radiant, happy, joyful life. A life that is realistic but simply beautiful. A life where my children are clothed, fed, educated and loved so they are healthy and happy. A life where I am in love with the man I share my bed with. A life where I love my job. A life where I am proud of the body I walk around in. A life full of solid relationships with family and friends, fostering real connections with the ones closest to me.