Die empty

My man is reading a book with the title "Die Empty". I like the concept. I try to live every day of life to its fullest. I lead a very active life (there are times when I exhaust myself!). I would like to be more social. I miss my friends. I have had to acknowledge that I only have twenty four hours a day. While I would like more, I need to realise my limitations.

I am a passionate person. I do everything wholeheartedly and deliberately. To me, dying empty means that I have no fuel in the tank at the end of the ride. Nothing leftover. Nothing in reserve. To me, it means giving everything I have to the people I love the most - my children, my lover, my family and my friends. To die empty means that I will work hard, play hard and train hard. I will love with all my heart. I will not only seek my dreams I will chase them down and beat them to a pulp if I have to. I will treat everyone with kindness and compassion. I will willingly give more than I am expected to without thought of return. I will focus on the little things; the things that matter. I will live my life authentically.

I will embrace life - the ups and the downs - knowing that I am truly blessed.

True love

True love is the thing fairy tales are written about; songs are penned over and legends are based on. True love is something you feel and means different things to different people. True love is a morphing, living thing that is treasured between two lucky people. True love leaves you feeling light and makes you want to be a better person.

True love is rare and even less often cared for in the way it should be. True love, though strong, should not be taken advantage of. True love is not eternal unless it is allowed to breathe and given the attention it deserves. True love is solid but fluid enough to allow for the inevitable change required over time.

If you are lucky you will fall in love once in your lifetime. If you are truly blessed you will find true love. True love survives beyond the initial flurry of infatuation and grows into a passion to be proud of. True love is respectful, honest, open and compassionate. True love is thoughtful, kind and considerate. True love puts an emphasis on the other persons needs ahead of your wants.

True love is finding someone who accepts you, flaws and all. Someone who knows you inside and out and doesn't want to change you. Someone who sees your baggage from the past and takes the time to help you unpack it. Someone who will stand by you and help you when you need it but who encourages you to stand up for yourself when you can.

Love is falling asleep in each others arms. True love is waking up entangled together. Love is stripping each other naked at the end of the day. True love is helping your man dress in the morning. Love is cooking a special meal for your partner. True love is getting up ten minutes early every day to make them breakfast.

Love is giving. True love is equal - with give and take from both parties.

Some wise person (I forget who) once said "Forget all the reasons why it won't work and believe in the one reason why it will". I choose to throw myself at the mercy of love and hope for the best.

Mind over matter

This message, in varying forms, has been hitting me lately. I am well aware of the power of the mind - to both heal and hinder. I consider myself a conscious being. I make mindful decisions every day to live in accordance with my beliefs and values.

Hope is what gives us strength in times of hardship. The ability to dream; to see a better life for ourselves is fundamental to change. But applying this principle to the body is something I have only recently considered.

I am focusing healthy on my underdeveloped self image and in particular the way I feel about my own body. My loathing for my physical form is slowly, very slowly fading. It takes worth but self love and respect are worth it

My mind is focused on creating the strongest, fittest body I can. Inside and out.

Creative pursuits

Last year, the kids and I made a birthday present for a friend. It rekindled my love of creation. While I have been writing for years, before that I used to make stuff all the time - sewing, craft, knitting, embroidery. And I've always loved photography.

I would never consider myself artistic or talented in any way but I do love to make things; to take a pile of fabric and turn it into something - cubby house or toy horse - is actually quite satisfying.

So, I have started to slowly but positively embrace my creative side. I am re-entering a world of stitching and finding great relaxation in the repetition. The satisfaction gained from completing a project of my own design is immense. Something I have poured a little bit of myself into.

There is something special about a handmade object. The imperfections make it special. The time taken to make something for someone else signifies how important they are to you. The fact that you would dedicate something as precious as time to another makes the gift priceless.

Fitting it in

No. This is not a post about trying to squeeze into too tight jeans (though I find that a problem a lot these days!). This post is focused on ways to fit a workout into a busy lifestyle.

I hear so many reasons why people don't work out - it is too cold, it's dark early, it is too hot, I have too much work to do...

I'm lucky for many reasons. Two of which are thus:
1. I am a morning person. I like crossing a workout off the list of things to do before there is a chance that life will take over and ruin all my plans.
2. I am addicted to the endorphin rush a workout gives.

For these two reasons alone I will probably never have a problem making time to work out. Staying fit and healthy is so important to me that I will not hesitate to wake up at 0400 to go for a run or getting to the gym at 0600 to smash out a workout prior to starting the working day.

But, I am a realist. I know not everyone has the inclination to get up before dawn and pound the pavement. So, for those who are not so inclined, however, there are tried and true ways to ensure you find time to stay fit:

• Pair up with a buddy - you'll be more inclined to turn up if you know someone is depending on you
• Join a group fitness class - like the aforementioned, the camaraderie of classes can become self motivating
• Pay for it - financially forking over your hard earned is often enough to get you to turn up whether it be PT or a gym membership
• Set a goal - perhaps you have a holiday coming up or you want to train for a particular event. Having something to look forward to can provide you with the motivation you need to keep going

Whichever tact you take make sure you surround yourself with people who support and encourage you. Distance yourself from those who do not. It has been proven time and again that a positive attitude makes all the difference to success.

Empathy

I would say I am an empathetic person. In fact, I feel compassion for others very deeply. I often go out of my way to assist people in need. Being classified as an empath is possibly going a tad far though. I cannot, for instance, claim to know what is happening to others intuitively.

Being empathic can be exhausting. Constantly thinking about others can wear you down, especially if you don't make time to nurture yourself.

I do think, however, that being empathetic makes you more thankful for the blessings in your own life. Seeing the hardship of others can be a great eye opener to how easy your life is and how lucky you are. I know that each time I come away from visiting my ill father in hospital I am grateful that I can breathe without pain. I am so saddened that Dad is unwell and is in so much pain but his condition makes me appreciate the little things in life. Things like mobility, freedom and independence; the ability to be self sufficient in daily tasks.

Secret women's business

I recently had a Pap smear. No big deal. A routine procedure done on a two yearly cycle. So why is it such a big deal?

Honestly? The thought of having my legs splayed for a medical professional to scrape cells from my cervix isn't hugely appealing. Naked from the waist down and covered in goosebumps; a medical sheet loosely draped over my waist in a failed attempt to maintain modesty amongst friendly chatter with the GP. I can feel my heart racing. It's like a drum pounding inside my chest.

I raced home from work to shower and change before my appointment. I applied make up in a vain attempt to maintain some dignity. And now that I look back on it; I feel like a fool. There's no reason to stress. It's a routine procedure that carries very little risk with the chance of early diagnosis giving the best possible chance of survival against cervical cancer if affected cells are found.

A Pap smear should not be something to fear. It's not the most pleasant thing on earth (I'll take a round of cocktails any day) but it's not particularly painful. So, women of the world, make sure you drop your pants every second year and get your Pap smear done.

It's so easy in our busy lives to put things off. To postpone. Sometimes indefinitely. However, it is important for your health. So have a hasty shower, pop on some perfume and a veil of makeup and get into it!

The hunger games

Since Novemeber, I have been slack. I dropped the fitness ball when I met my amazing man. As a result, I have lost tone, condition and endurance. I have put on considerable weight which is unwelcome on my body. While my spunky man has no issue with the weight gain, I am unhappy with the way that I look but more importantly, the way that I feel at the moment. I am sluggish. I have trouble sleeping. I rely on sugar to get me through the day. I turn to food to lift my mood. I have developed unhealthy habits. 

I know that I have high standards for myself. I am well aware that I have punished my body in the past. I have used exercise as an escape. I have previously turned to the gym to fill a void in my life. This time it is different. I have a supportive, encouraging partner who wants me to be happy. His motivation for helping me is not to have a hot girlfriend (he loves me just the way I am) but because it is something I want to do (having a hot girlfriend at the end of the gruelling twelve week schedule is an added bonus!). 

Today I restarted my twelve week plan. July 13 is completion day. My amazing man and I are planning a trip to Vietnam which we will book for shortly after the end of the twelve week period. So, I have twelve weeks to transform my body back into something I love. Diet and exercise plan is all sorted. Verified and ready to roll.

This morning my alarm went off at 0400. I dragged myself out of bed, cooked eggs for my spunky man and went to work for an hour. After my lemon water, I did a HIT (high intensity training) session at the gym. My body now hates me - squats, lunges, planking, capoeira gingas, jumping jacks, bicep curls, tricep dips, high kicks... the list goes on. Fifty second sets with a ten second rest between sets.

With the change in program comes five small meals a day. Because I have been overeating for so long, between the meals, hunger ensues. I am not starving - just background hungry. 

Cutting out sugar is always a killer and I know that I need to be prepared for the crash mid afternoon. So I have three strawberries. It doesn't sound like much but it is enough to stave off the sugar cravings. Especially as I am starting my days early. The willpower to withstand the office chocolate collections is much weaker when I am tired so it is important for me to constantly remind myself of my goal. All I need to do is imagine how I would feel if I had to wear a bikini tomorrow and that raspberry jubie lolly stays in the bowl rather than being eaten.

I know that the next tweleve weeks are going to be tough. I am mentally prepared for it. 

Run, Forrest

Seeing the light

I've read all my life about people changing theirs. Miraculous stories about drug abusers who turned their life around or people grossly overweight who lost the weight by a complete change of lifestyle. I'm lucky. I've has a pretty good life. Some hiccups along the way. Some glitches. Some brain malfunctions that led to some tough times. Some dark years that I would much rather not have lived through. But, for the most part, I have been okay.

Recently I have seen the light. I spent nine glorious days in Thailand. I ran a lot. I did plenty of activities. And I did them all on my own. I found a strength inside me that I others had told me about time and time again but I could not see in myself. I found that I like who I am at the core. So, rather than fight my generous nature I decided to embrace it. Overnight. Just like that.

And I did that with a lot of things. In a matter of minutes short days my life transformed. One hot sweaty run at a time I healed myself after years of working on many issues I had acquired in my marriage; I finally found the space in which I could let go. I found the time to resolve dilemmas in my head. I found the strength to forgive myself for the bad choices I had made. I found peace. I found light.

In that humid, dirty, happy place I found my salvation. I found myself.

I embraced the fact that I am solely responsible for my own happiness. I am the reason I am in a good place now. Not my spunky new man. Not my shiny new car.  Not my organised closet or my colourful gym gear. I am happy because I am proud of myself.

I am not perfect. I still face my demons from time to time. There are days when I berate myself. There are times when I slip back into self loathing.

But I have the inner strength I need to go back to my happy place. To see the light I found in Thailand. To see the light within myself. And when I do, I know I can do anything. There is nothing that can bring me down anymore. I'm not talking about never being sad again. To be human is to feel and there are many times that I am deeply saddened. But I recover from that sadness. I no longer dwell in it. For I don't want to be miserable. I have found what happy feels like and I refuse to let that go.

If my car is damaged or my boyfriend leaves me I will not be destroyed. I am more than my possessions or my relationships. I am me. I am wonderful. I am indestructible because I found my inner light and I keep it glowing. I do things for myself because I know I need to in order to maintain my inner happiness.

If you have not yet done so. Go forth. Find your light.

Clean eating

Detox - the realities

I eat pretty well (according to the average eating habits of the general population) with loads of fresh produce - vegetables and fruit. I stick to wholegrains. I drink plenty of water. I admit that I have a sweet tooth so desserts are my fave, especially when dining out. I know that I get way too many of my calories from "naughty foods".

Due to being wined and dined by my spunky man over a number of months, I have slowly put on weight (not only as a result of eating more but also working out less) to such a point that I no longer fit into my jeans. Or my work clothes. Moreover, I am uncomfortable in my own skin. Which I do not like.

My spunky man, however, has come to the rescue (again) and recommended a new diet that has me upping my protein; cutting out all sugar (I cheat and have a little honey) and reducing carbs. Let me point out that my spunky man is qualified; I'm not taking advice from some random on the street.

So my day currently looks like this -
Lemon water prior to training
Broccoli/asparagus and egg for breakfast (plus fish oil)
Oats, blueberries, skim milk, natural Greek yoghurt and a teaspoon of honey for brunch
Salad with hemp seeds for lunch
Raw carrot and almonds for afternoon tea
Vegetables for dinner

Add copious amounts of water (probably close to 4 litres) and a couple of cups of weak black tea and we're done .

To be fair, I have not been hungry per se but the headaches. Oh sweet zombie Jesus; the headaches. The high tempo whine in my temples is almost unbearable. I know that this is my body and brain readjusting to the lower sugar levels in my diet but - wow! Just wow! And I don't consider myself as having a high sugar diet in the first place - I ingest natural sugars from milk and honey plus the occasional piece of chocolate (note, not block, piece). At this point I am really hoping they last only another few days.

Training gear

I've never put a lot of emphasis on training gear. To be honest, I've never had much money so I have always made do with what I have and purchased cheap gear from run of the mill department stores.

However, since meeting my spunky man, I've been slowly transformed. One funky outfit at a time. I have slowly transitioned to performance gear by athletics companies and I never expected to say it but they are worth the additional expense. I have fallen in love with Kate Hudson's line of clothes. Ergo, I've spent all my spare monies on her training gear. I am eagerly awaiting their arrival!

I'm never one to display brand loyalty (though I have stuck with Adidas for running shoes for about a decade because, for me, there is no other that offers the same fit and comfort (and I cover a lot of ks).
So I've dabbled in the world of Nike (their running gloves are a saviour in the cooler months). I love Nike socks but I find that the stitching it a little tight on the cuffs of their leggings so I won't be a repeat customer for that line of theirs. Reebok make a great running jacket.

I am still waiting to find something from Lorna Jane that I can justify spending a fortune on. Same goes with Lululemon. Though I am thoroughly in love with their yoga mat, I cannot justify the expense of their gear.

When it comes to intimates, there's no need to beat around the bush. Seamless is the way to go - no one wants visible panty line! I recently hit the Easter sales and replaced some well worn training bras with some colour to pop on as the weather turns cold and I broach running tentatively like a child dipping their feet into the ocean before plunging into the waves.

T day

Today is training day. New diet. New exercise program. Bring. It. On.

Fitness first

I've always been active. When you have as much nature every as I do, it is compulsory for sanity. Since meeting my man I've dropped the ball. I've eaten too many meals out, drank too many cocktails and lazed on the couch too much. As a result, the weight has slowly but surely crept up. Enough!

I no longer for into my jeans. I puff and pant when I walk up hills or stairs and, most importantly, I'm unhappy. Health is important to me. I usually eat well and am pretty fit. It is who I am at my core and I need to get back to that. So today marks day one of my boot camp back to where I am happy in my own skin.

Staying fit and healthy takes a lot of hard work and dedication. It is all too easy to fall into bad habit that lead you away from where your goal lies. I am, no doubt, goin to hit obstacles. I am no stranger to working hard, however, and I know I will make it.