Seeing the light

I've read all my life about people changing theirs. Miraculous stories about drug abusers who turned their life around or people grossly overweight who lost the weight by a complete change of lifestyle. I'm lucky. I've has a pretty good life. Some hiccups along the way. Some glitches. Some brain malfunctions that led to some tough times. Some dark years that I would much rather not have lived through. But, for the most part, I have been okay.

Recently I have seen the light. I spent nine glorious days in Thailand. I ran a lot. I did plenty of activities. And I did them all on my own. I found a strength inside me that I others had told me about time and time again but I could not see in myself. I found that I like who I am at the core. So, rather than fight my generous nature I decided to embrace it. Overnight. Just like that.

And I did that with a lot of things. In a matter of minutes short days my life transformed. One hot sweaty run at a time I healed myself after years of working on many issues I had acquired in my marriage; I finally found the space in which I could let go. I found the time to resolve dilemmas in my head. I found the strength to forgive myself for the bad choices I had made. I found peace. I found light.

In that humid, dirty, happy place I found my salvation. I found myself.

I embraced the fact that I am solely responsible for my own happiness. I am the reason I am in a good place now. Not my spunky new man. Not my shiny new car.  Not my organised closet or my colourful gym gear. I am happy because I am proud of myself.

I am not perfect. I still face my demons from time to time. There are days when I berate myself. There are times when I slip back into self loathing.

But I have the inner strength I need to go back to my happy place. To see the light I found in Thailand. To see the light within myself. And when I do, I know I can do anything. There is nothing that can bring me down anymore. I'm not talking about never being sad again. To be human is to feel and there are many times that I am deeply saddened. But I recover from that sadness. I no longer dwell in it. For I don't want to be miserable. I have found what happy feels like and I refuse to let that go.

If my car is damaged or my boyfriend leaves me I will not be destroyed. I am more than my possessions or my relationships. I am me. I am wonderful. I am indestructible because I found my inner light and I keep it glowing. I do things for myself because I know I need to in order to maintain my inner happiness.

If you have not yet done so. Go forth. Find your light.