Connection

I have been thinking about connection recently. About the way relationships form; how they change over time; how they are fed; what nurtures them; how they decay. I don't have any answers yet but I find it interesting how you can have really deep relationships with some people and others are just superficial acquaintances.

I feel lacking in the former and don't care a whit about the latter. As usual, fear holds me back from forming deep relationships. The more you commit to someone, the more likely that you will be hurt. The more exposed you are, the more ammunition the other person has to use against you. I worry that, if someone truly knows all there is to know about me they won't want to be around me. I am scared that, at my core, I am unlovable and worthless. Part of me can see that these fears come from years of emotional abuse. Where I was told that I would be all alone if I left. Where I was taught, through reinforcement, that I have nothing to offer a significant other.

However, without exposing yourself you risk leading a life that has little meaning. True purpose, I believe, comes from connection to others. We are social creatures. Humans are designed to be around other humans. While solitude is important for mental health and emotional stability; deep connections with other people is what gives us a sense of purpose.

Ergo, I am in a constant state of internal conflict. On one hand I crave deep connection with people. While on the other I am deeply fearful that I will be rejected.