I have always been a dreamer. I had grand plans for my life. When I was young, I wanted to be a mother. "That's it?" you ask. Yep! That's all I wanted. To have children and love them with their father by my side. I am blessed with two children who I adore but my life is so far from that dream.
So, I made a new dream. Where I followed a lucrative career and was happily single. That one didn't work out either.
Then another dream where I met an honest, caring man (I actually met one that far exceeded my dreams) who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. But that fairy tale was based on a false promise. While I am far from unhappy; that dream failed too.
Point is, I have never stopped dreaming. I have never stopped trying to reach for my dreams. I have never stopped striving for what my heart aches for.
I am a romantic at heart. I'm still not sure whether that is a blessing or a curse but it is who I am. I am a sucker for a love story. And every dream I have ends with me, rocking on a timber porch holding the hand of the man that I love. Old and wrinkled. Smiling at the sunset. Long live the dream.
Sunday, 27 September 2015
Friday, 25 September 2015
When dating a salesman
I have had the honour of dating a salesman for nearly eleven months. He's the most vibrant person I have ever met. He is sweet, kind, thoughtful and generous. He's fit, healthy and energetic.
My father always warned me against salesman. Because there's always a shadow of doubt when interacting with them. Their training has taught them to build rapport; to gain information without giving anything away. They all have that tone of voice about them where you never really know where you stand. Though they say all the right things to reassure you (they've been trained to put people at ease when they feel pressured) you never really know whether they are being sincere or not. They'll never tell you how they truly feels because "this is about you".
Though I see shadows of these mannerisms, the spunky man I have the pleasure of being with is nothing short of amazing.
His positive nature is infectious - he will find a way to make even the tightest timelines a success. Have to get to the gym by 1130 but need to clean the house and do the groceries beforehand and already committed to breakfast date? No problem. It takes 6 minutes to get from breakfast to the supermarket, we can do the shopping in 23 minutes, be home in time to unpack, put on a load of washing, clean the bathroom and vacuum the floor, he assures me - you just need to go to breakfast in your training gear and run around the supermarket as a warm up. "We can do it!"
He'll always return my call.
He knows how to make me feel better. He actively listens to everything I say and remembers the smallest details.
He knows how to put on a show. Date nights are always something to look forward to. He researches everything to the nth degree to ensure success.
He is organised. He plans everything and nothing is ever left undone.
He's polite. He will open every door for me and treats me with respect
He's loyal. He's put a lot of work into sealing the deal - he's not going to let his customer go without a fight.
He has a 90/10 rule so he bulk of the work is always done, regardless of how busy we are.
If he's anything to go by, salesmen are the way to go! I am so very thankful for this wonderful human. He is, as the youth say, amazeballs and has brought so much happiness to my life. I am grateful for every minute that we spend together.
My father always warned me against salesman. Because there's always a shadow of doubt when interacting with them. Their training has taught them to build rapport; to gain information without giving anything away. They all have that tone of voice about them where you never really know where you stand. Though they say all the right things to reassure you (they've been trained to put people at ease when they feel pressured) you never really know whether they are being sincere or not. They'll never tell you how they truly feels because "this is about you".
Though I see shadows of these mannerisms, the spunky man I have the pleasure of being with is nothing short of amazing.
His positive nature is infectious - he will find a way to make even the tightest timelines a success. Have to get to the gym by 1130 but need to clean the house and do the groceries beforehand and already committed to breakfast date? No problem. It takes 6 minutes to get from breakfast to the supermarket, we can do the shopping in 23 minutes, be home in time to unpack, put on a load of washing, clean the bathroom and vacuum the floor, he assures me - you just need to go to breakfast in your training gear and run around the supermarket as a warm up. "We can do it!"
He'll always return my call.
He knows how to make me feel better. He actively listens to everything I say and remembers the smallest details.
He knows how to put on a show. Date nights are always something to look forward to. He researches everything to the nth degree to ensure success.
He is organised. He plans everything and nothing is ever left undone.
He's polite. He will open every door for me and treats me with respect
He's loyal. He's put a lot of work into sealing the deal - he's not going to let his customer go without a fight.
He has a 90/10 rule so he bulk of the work is always done, regardless of how busy we are.
If he's anything to go by, salesmen are the way to go! I am so very thankful for this wonderful human. He is, as the youth say, amazeballs and has brought so much happiness to my life. I am grateful for every minute that we spend together.
Thursday, 24 September 2015
1000 pound club
Hugh Jackman portrays himself well - dedicated husband and father, talented actor, all round good guy and, man, that man is hot!
Recently Hugh joined the 1000 pound club. He can now bench, squat and deadlift a total of 1000 pounds. That's 453.5 kilograms of weight. That's a lot of steel. For a man that once was quite the weedy specimen, he has worked tirelessly to build a body that is envied by men and admired by women.
While the 1000 pound club is not something I aspire to be a part of, it is nevertheless an inspirational achievement.
Recently Hugh joined the 1000 pound club. He can now bench, squat and deadlift a total of 1000 pounds. That's 453.5 kilograms of weight. That's a lot of steel. For a man that once was quite the weedy specimen, he has worked tirelessly to build a body that is envied by men and admired by women.
While the 1000 pound club is not something I aspire to be a part of, it is nevertheless an inspirational achievement.
The truth about love
There's no secret about the fact that I love Pink. She's smart, sassy and confident. She's successful in her chosen career. She is strong and portrays a healthy lifestyle; keeping fit and active.
I love her music - bold, passionate and honest. She sings from the heart about things that really matter to her.
Her song 'The Truth About Love' is raw and powerful. In my opinion the truth about love is the same as the truth about happiness - they're both fleeting. They exist in moments of time.
Most of a relationship is mundane - logistics and getting through the trials of daily life. It's about "what's for dinner?", "where do you want to go today?" and "for God's sake, please take out the rubbish". It is dealing with tissues stuffed into the side of the couch and empty drink bottles all over the house. It is putting aside the fact that the toilet roll is never replaced when it is finished and the bathmat is left on the floor after a shower rather than hung up to dry. Relationships are hard work.
Love comes into play when you've had a shit day and your man wraps you in his arms and doesn't let go in a hurry. Love is when you want to stay in bed an extra three minutes in the warmth of embrace even if it means you have to rush to get to work on time. Love is greeting someone with a smile at the door when they get home. Love is found in the little things you do for each other that makes the mundane shit, the obligatory parts of life, easier to deal with.
I love her music - bold, passionate and honest. She sings from the heart about things that really matter to her.
Her song 'The Truth About Love' is raw and powerful. In my opinion the truth about love is the same as the truth about happiness - they're both fleeting. They exist in moments of time.
Most of a relationship is mundane - logistics and getting through the trials of daily life. It's about "what's for dinner?", "where do you want to go today?" and "for God's sake, please take out the rubbish". It is dealing with tissues stuffed into the side of the couch and empty drink bottles all over the house. It is putting aside the fact that the toilet roll is never replaced when it is finished and the bathmat is left on the floor after a shower rather than hung up to dry. Relationships are hard work.
Love comes into play when you've had a shit day and your man wraps you in his arms and doesn't let go in a hurry. Love is when you want to stay in bed an extra three minutes in the warmth of embrace even if it means you have to rush to get to work on time. Love is greeting someone with a smile at the door when they get home. Love is found in the little things you do for each other that makes the mundane shit, the obligatory parts of life, easier to deal with.
Shame the rapist not the victim
Lady Gaga's new single is powerful and poignant. As a victim, I find it hard to comment without getting emotional. Rape falls into the same category as mental illness. In my opinion, we need to bring both to the fore and address the issues so as to protect our youth.
No one should be a victim of rape. Our society should be such that we support those who have experienced this atrocity and shame those who perform such heinous acts.
No one should be a victim of rape. Our society should be such that we support those who have experienced this atrocity and shame those who perform such heinous acts.
Wednesday, 23 September 2015
Perspective
I've spent the day in contemplation following my post this morning. I've tried to put my current woes into perspective. After a mostly sleepless night filled with nightmares last night I've dedicated time to reflection. I have been inner focused, trying to ascertain exactly how I feel about the situation.
I have had the Calvin Harris 'Sweet Nothing' lyrics "words are empty air" on repeat in my head. And the quote "if you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always gotten". I just can't shake the feeling that if I don't act soon I will be in a state of misery again. And I will do anything to ensure I don't dive into the depths of sadness.
On the flip side of this is that there are bigger fish to fry. There are grander issues in the world that need addressing. My worries are insignificant in comparison.
Perspective is everything.
Make your own path
A friend recently posted this on Facebook stating she has finally learned that looking after herself is not a selfish act. She has learned not to waste time worrying what other people think of her and is setting boundaries to ensure that she is treated with respect. She then urged her friends to put on their boots and walk their own path; to own the cement and keep moving.
Without really thinking, I posted the following in response:
"Mine's an earth path. Carved through stone in some places due to the difficulty of the terrain. These stone-walled sections mark the darkest times of my life but they are where my path is the strongest"
I haven't been able to let go of this. It has been nearly two weeks and my mind keeps returning to it. Anyone who knows me will attest to the fact that I don't make meaningful decisions lightly. I ponder, think, rethink, analyse and assess in every minute detail before I make a decision that is likely to have a lasting effect on my life. Once I have made a decision, however, it is like a switch has been flicked and there is no turning back. It's just how I am. While I am very forgiving and patient, there are no second chances once I have decided to move on.
I have been struggling for a couple of months. I've mentioned my physical health has been less than perfect. Though I eat clean and train mean, I am not immune to health issues. I have battled menorrhagia since my early teens. As I approach forty, however, it's do or die time. Not literally. It's more occupy or evacuate. But there's more to it than that. There are wider things going on. I am fighting battles on a number of fronts and I am feeling worn out.
I am struggling with broken promises; a real bug bear of mine. I hate feeling like I have been set up. I loathe the thought that someone has pulled the wool over my eyes. I don't like being taken advantage of. So I am faced with a decision - do I keep plodding on or make a decision that will change my path and have me chipping away at rock again? The easy path is so tempting. Most easy things are. On the contrary, I feel like I have worked too hard to stop now. A part of me cannot let go of the fact that I have spent way too much of my life waiting for the things that I want. That I have been patient for a very long time and never seen what was promised to me. I cannot seem to let go of that.
Thursday, 10 September 2015
Some days just suck
I've been struggling with a few things in the last six months. Weight gain and excessive menstrual bleeding will make any woman feel like crap. I try to keep my head up. Stay positive and all that shit. But some days are just a struggle. I eat clean. I train hard. Yet I STILL put on weight. I am so uncomfortable in every piece of clothing I own. I am miserable in my own skin.
Today is one of the days where things just suck. I started a new diet on Monday and am progressively putting on 200g a day. FUCK THAT SHIT.
Today is one of the days where things just suck. I started a new diet on Monday and am progressively putting on 200g a day. FUCK THAT SHIT.
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Work worth doing
Many years ago I worked in Fire Management. It was something I was incredibly passionate about. Our native flora is, and always has been, something I care for. Unique in it's propensity to burn and regenerate thereafter it is also spectacularly beautiful.
I was paid tuppence and worked long hours but I loved my job. I was motivated to get to the office. I was invigorated by the work I did. I was encouraged to study as a part of my position. I received professional training during work hours. The perks of the job were non-financial but it was the happiest I have ever been in my career.
This is for one reason and one reason only. My work had purpose.
What I did was worthwhile. Tangible. I made an admittedly a very small but very real difference. I was working for the betterment of society. The work I was a part of protected communities and rejuvenated the natural environment. It made me feel alive.
Fast forward twenty years and my work is immaterial. I am demotivated. I feel disengaged. I am not valued as a person and my contribution is not recognised.
The moral of the story here is to follow your passion. More than half your waking hours are spent at work. Make them mean something.
And that's my New Year's resolution. Commitments between now and the end of the year mean I am not in a position to move jobs at the moment but I resolve to find that spark again. Life without zing is no life at all.
Friday, 4 September 2015
Oh the drama
In the last few months I have had almost constant menstrual bleeding. I have seen three doctors, two gynos and going to my third on Monday. While I doubt more children are on the cards for me, I just cannot bring myself to have a hysterectomy. I had a friend from my school days die of an diagnosed infection after having a mirena fitted and, in case my partner wants kids, I have, for the moment, ruled out options (like endometral ablation) that will affect my fertility. I have had an implanon inserted and subsequently removed. I have changed oral contraceptive pill twice. I have watched my iron levels drop to the point where an infusion was required.
The hormonal dance has not been a pretty one. I am moody and excessively sad. I have put on nine kilograms. I am fucking miserable. I am so sick of bleeding. Unrelenting bleeding. Sometimes it is manageable but there are days where I have to change my sanitary protection every twenty minutes. And I have endured a number of massive bleeds where my legs have been covered in blood. In one such event, the force of the explosion was so great so as to expel the tampon that was inserted. Thankfully that particular joyful experience happened in the bathroom. Still, it is an embarrassment and an inconvenience to say the least.
The issues of continual menstrual cycle are greater than the obvious inability to have sex with my spunky man. They include the fact that I cannot attend a fitness class without having to duck out to the bathroom part way through. I like to weight train and I cannot safely squat without fear of leaking. My quality of life has been quite severely affected. And I am not happy!
My life is ruled by proximity to a ladies' bathroom. It is debilitating.
Add to this the expense incurred. Tampons, pads and sanitary liners all add up. Especially if you are using them 28 out of 31 says a month. Then there's the GP appointments, specialists and medications. The ultrasound alone set me back nearly $900. The iron infusion was another $500. It is out of control. Thankfully, I have health insurance which has meant that I don't have to wait for treatment through the public system but cost is crippling.
Over the top of all of this is constant questions - do I really want more children? Is it wise, at nearly forty, to try to preserve my fertility considering the stress that my body is currently under. The bleeding aside, the drop in iron levels have seen damage to my hair and nails. My lips are constantly cracked. I am often short of breath. I get dizzy. Concentration is a thing of the past. And the ability to control my temper? Completely lost.
My boyfriend is amazingly patient and supportive but we've only been together a short time and to make decisions of such gravity now is, quite understandably, not something he's prepared to do. So I feel trapped and alone. I am weighed down by an immense decision. On one hand, I cannot entertain the idea of bleeding like this indefinitely. On the other, I don't want to consider something that will affect my fertility. Despite the fact that I am nearly forty, I always wanted four children and I am still not willing to emotionally let go of that. However, I am blessed with two gorgeous children and if there are no more in my future I will be a very happy lady.
The hormonal dance has not been a pretty one. I am moody and excessively sad. I have put on nine kilograms. I am fucking miserable. I am so sick of bleeding. Unrelenting bleeding. Sometimes it is manageable but there are days where I have to change my sanitary protection every twenty minutes. And I have endured a number of massive bleeds where my legs have been covered in blood. In one such event, the force of the explosion was so great so as to expel the tampon that was inserted. Thankfully that particular joyful experience happened in the bathroom. Still, it is an embarrassment and an inconvenience to say the least.
The issues of continual menstrual cycle are greater than the obvious inability to have sex with my spunky man. They include the fact that I cannot attend a fitness class without having to duck out to the bathroom part way through. I like to weight train and I cannot safely squat without fear of leaking. My quality of life has been quite severely affected. And I am not happy!
My life is ruled by proximity to a ladies' bathroom. It is debilitating.
Add to this the expense incurred. Tampons, pads and sanitary liners all add up. Especially if you are using them 28 out of 31 says a month. Then there's the GP appointments, specialists and medications. The ultrasound alone set me back nearly $900. The iron infusion was another $500. It is out of control. Thankfully, I have health insurance which has meant that I don't have to wait for treatment through the public system but cost is crippling.
Over the top of all of this is constant questions - do I really want more children? Is it wise, at nearly forty, to try to preserve my fertility considering the stress that my body is currently under. The bleeding aside, the drop in iron levels have seen damage to my hair and nails. My lips are constantly cracked. I am often short of breath. I get dizzy. Concentration is a thing of the past. And the ability to control my temper? Completely lost.
My boyfriend is amazingly patient and supportive but we've only been together a short time and to make decisions of such gravity now is, quite understandably, not something he's prepared to do. So I feel trapped and alone. I am weighed down by an immense decision. On one hand, I cannot entertain the idea of bleeding like this indefinitely. On the other, I don't want to consider something that will affect my fertility. Despite the fact that I am nearly forty, I always wanted four children and I am still not willing to emotionally let go of that. However, I am blessed with two gorgeous children and if there are no more in my future I will be a very happy lady.
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