Challenging status quo

Discontent, blaming, complaining and self-pity cannot serve as a foundation for a good future

- Ekhart Tolle

Insomnia has become my close friend again. It has floated in and out (mainly in) of my life for the last thirteen years. I try to cut it out of my life but it keeps coming back - stubborn fucker. In one of my sleepless hours last night I came to a realisation. I am well aware that insomnia started for me when I was pregnant. It was born out of fear and panic. Becoming a mother is mammoth transition. Pregnancy for me was not an easy road. Threatened (and actual) miscarriage, premature labour topped with a sprinkling of God-awful morning sickness. When I became a mother and it continued to get more difficult. Mothering is hard, heart wrenching and, at times, all consuming. 

Before becoming a parent I was (somewhat) carefree. Despite wearing all the financial burden as my boyfriend/fiance/husband was not working, weekends could be easily dedicated to chores or sleeping, depending on what needed my attention more. Working long hours was not a problem because recovery was guaranteed on the albeit short weekend. Things change when you bear a child. For me, pregnancy was a catalyst for worry. The maternal instinct kicked in early and I spent countless hours fretting about my unborn child. A threatened miscarriage just days after finding out I was pregnant after over a year of trying was the start and it didn't stop from there. A low-lying placenta later in pregnancy meant more scans, greater than expected medical costs and more worry.

The pattern of worry has not changed. It's unhealthy. Sure, every parent worries but worry should not be your status quo. Like happiness is, worry should be in fleeting moments. However, for me, worry has become a habit.

While I am naturally an optimistic person, I have gradually slipped into negativity. Over time, life has turned me into a cynic. 

I always loved Jewel's 'I'm Sensitive'. I *am* sensitive and I would like to stay that way but it is imperative that my sensitivity no longer rules my life. I tend to fixate on things - ideas, dreams - and my head becomes a washing machine of thought; going round and round and never finding an answer.

In the past I have turned to alcohol and exercise to numb the pain but addiction merely masks the root cause.  It is a symptom that life is not working out how you planned. Addiction is a mechanism used by people to find a way to escape. While I was never an alcoholic, I relied way too heavily on vodka to cope with separation and divorce. In the last month or so, I can feel my heart is aching in a similar way to how it was during that time. I am conscious, however that addiction (whether it be to exercise or alcohol) is not going to solve anything. Instead, this time I am facing my fears.

Until you heal the wounds of the past you are going to bleed. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in the past and make peace with them

- Iyanla Vanzant

In my sleeplessness last night I came to the realisation that insomnia comes to stay when I am disappointed in myself. Insomnia is my body's way of alerting my consciousness to the real issues affecting me. Regardless of whether they are real to anyone else, they are real to me and, by the time they are affecting my sleeping patterns (we all know how important sleep is and how the body starts to shut down without it - irritability, aches and pains, impaired judgement, decreased creativity, increased stress, increased heart rate, increased risk of stroke, increased risk of heart disease, decreased reaction time, memory loss), they need to be taken seriously.

The problem I have (and I see the same problem present in my son) is that I am not good at articulating what pains me. I believe this trait comes from my crazy need to please everyone. Because I want everyone to be happy, I am actually incapable of determining why I am upset. In the past I have been to scared to speak my mind for fear of disappointing those I love. I hate to see my loved ones less than happy. So, instead of broaching difficult topics; instead of raising my concerns; instead of voicing my opinion, I hold onto it. I let it fester until it rots inside me.

This is not healthy and I am taking active steps to change my old habits. To reach out to those I love the most and express my deepest concerns. Love, in it's purest form, is vulnerable. To love fully, we need to be able to bear our souls to our partner.