Watching

Today I was lucky enough to stand on the balcony if the 36th floor apartment in Broadbeach watching whales frolic in the ocean. They were so close you could hear their tales splashing against the water as they played in the waves.

Whales were not the only thing I watched. I watched my children as the experiences the pure pleasure of flight; my sister enjoying a glass of wine in the limo; my mum sipping her coffee; my nephew's joy at having purchased a gift for his bestie and my niece's disgust as a fruit bat flew overhead. But mostly I watched myself. I just let emotions wash over me today - from the nausea in the plane, limo, elevator and taxi to the contentment watching the kids play in the pool; the sheer sadness that no one contacted me that turned to acceptance that I don't measure up; the calm I feel when I am walking to the stress of not having money. I watched and I realised that, though I have very little on my top ten list of things I need; I can find a way to cope with them. I am resourceful and resilient. I am tough and stoic. I am capable and competent. I shall survive this nightmare like I did the one previous to it - one day, hour, minute at a time.

This shitstorm will not last as long as the last because I am aware of it and am taking steps to rectify it every day.

Effort with ease.

The quest for beauty

I have a function to attend tomorrow. The ticket was a birthday present from my sister. I was lucky enough to have been taken shopping by my cousin. She bought me some shoes for my birthday and I am contemplating what I can wear them with tomorrow. Outfit aside, I have spent the evening shaving and plucking, there was a face mask and hair treatment, nails have been painted and moisturiser applied to hands and feet. And it is the day before the event!

Tomorrow I will apply makeup and perfume it up before frocking and bejewelling myself. All to go out to lunch with a bunch of women. Tis madness!

Clarity

It amazes me the clarity that comes at the most inopportune times - at yoga, in the car, at work, when tipsy or tired. I have been trying so hard to build myself up, pump up my tyres and see the best in me. People around me, in an attempt to make the hurt dissipate have been trying to make me believe that I have something others don't and that I deserve special treatment. The truth is that I am just a chick. I am not the worst person that has ever lived but I will never be the best. I am not special. I deserve nothing. I need to focus on living a life that I am proud of for contentment comes from within.

I have this chip on my shoulder that was planted some time in my distant past and has gained so much weight that it bears me down. I drag it around like a security blanket because I don't know how to live without it. I can be presented with a hundred compliments in a day and they wash over me but the smallest negative insinuation rolls around in my head for weeks and some are still there decades later.

There is nothing fake about me. I have no hidden agenda but others consistently misinterpret my intentions. I truly want happiness for those around me; even at my own expense. This means that I am continually screwed over. I am generous and thoughtful which means that I give more than I receive. I am kind and considerate which means that I am sad much of the time. I am easily influenced and a people pleaser so I agree to what others want or make choices based on what I think they want. I have no boundaries so I am consistently overrun. I have a problem with always wanting more; satisfaction is always out of reach.

Acceptance is the way forward. I am not special. I am scarred, flawed, damaged and discarded; all with good reason. Time to take it square on the chin and move on. Close the door on the past

On the fridge

My cousin and I were talking about motivation recently. He came across a suggestion to put pictures on your fridge of things you want in life.

If I were to do this I would have my children followed by my sexy man.  After that would be to start my own business to achieve financial independence so I can travel.   And finally, I would love a skill, anything would do.  I'm working on Swedish and guitar at the moment.

Scared

Knowing your fears means that you can face them. Battle them. And the beat them to a pulp.

I freely and openly admit that I fear being alone. I love being in a relationship and I miss it. I miss the intimacy. I miss being held when I have had a totally shit day. I miss kissing and making love. I miss all night conversations about nothing in particular. I miss waking up next to someone. I miss touch. Skin to skin contact is so underrated. I miss holding hands and massage. I miss 'hello' and 'goodbye' kisses. I miss 'I missed you' kisses. I miss the honesty and rawness that comes from being in a relationship. 

Albus Dumbledore is a dmart man: It does not do to dwell and forget to live. 

What's in a name?

I am in the process of reverting to my maiden name. It's a name I am proud of. It brings me back to a time where I was whole and happy.

It is also an absolute palaver. Everything is tied to your name and there are dependencies everywhere.

I am not proud of a lot of things in my life but I am proud of my family. My name is tied very closely to my family and I am looking forward to this new chapter.

Try. Try. Try again

Each night I go to bed wondering what I did wrong. How I managed to fuck up yet again. How my walls were not strong enough to withstand the barrage and how I can keep fighting when I am not moving forward.

But each morning I wake thinking with the hope that I will do better. I try different things; new ways of reinforcing my walls, of creating barriers between someone I will never be able to have out of my life. A toxic influence who tears me to pieces with every interaction.

He affects me like no one else can. With years of practice, he can rip me down in a matter of seconds. He knows my weak points and uses them against me.

So I breathe deeply and try yet again to find a way to change the way I respond. A way to recondition myself. A full engine overall if possible.