Clarity

It amazes me the clarity that comes at the most inopportune times - at yoga, in the car, at work, when tipsy or tired. I have been trying so hard to build myself up, pump up my tyres and see the best in me. People around me, in an attempt to make the hurt dissipate have been trying to make me believe that I have something others don't and that I deserve special treatment. The truth is that I am just a chick. I am not the worst person that has ever lived but I will never be the best. I am not special. I deserve nothing. I need to focus on living a life that I am proud of for contentment comes from within.

I have this chip on my shoulder that was planted some time in my distant past and has gained so much weight that it bears me down. I drag it around like a security blanket because I don't know how to live without it. I can be presented with a hundred compliments in a day and they wash over me but the smallest negative insinuation rolls around in my head for weeks and some are still there decades later.

There is nothing fake about me. I have no hidden agenda but others consistently misinterpret my intentions. I truly want happiness for those around me; even at my own expense. This means that I am continually screwed over. I am generous and thoughtful which means that I give more than I receive. I am kind and considerate which means that I am sad much of the time. I am easily influenced and a people pleaser so I agree to what others want or make choices based on what I think they want. I have no boundaries so I am consistently overrun. I have a problem with always wanting more; satisfaction is always out of reach.

Acceptance is the way forward. I am not special. I am scarred, flawed, damaged and discarded; all with good reason. Time to take it square on the chin and move on. Close the door on the past