I might fly today

For me, there is nothing more satisfying than doing something someone says you cannot. I tore my medial cruiciate ligament in a skiing accident in my early twenties. I was told by my (very highly qualified and experienced) orthopedic surgeon that I would never walk or run again without surgery. Considering he had a vested interest and I don't trust the medical profession (and tipped over by the fact that I could not afford the surgery and was not covered by insurance) I declined the surgery. I spent a week researching the specific injury; studying my xrays, ultrasounds and MRIs and devised my own physio routine. I cried through six weeks of intensive water work. Literally. I had tears streaming down my face with the pain.

However, I refused to accept that I could never again run or play netball. I refused to accept defeat. So I built up strength. Slowly but surely. After six weeks I could walk without crutches. I still struggled terribly going down stairs. So I did more research. I joined a gym and spent an hour a day doing leg weights.

In a month I was back to running. I started off on the treadmill and worked up from there.  It was a full year before I was strong enough to play netball.  But I did.  And, nearly two decades on I still do.

Today, I jumped out of a plane. Not necessarily because it is something I have always wanted to do (which is true; I've had it on my bucket list since my teens) but because my ex would not allow me to do it. It is my "it's okay" for enabling my ex to control my life. It is not healthy to continue to berate myself for things that happened in the past. It is time to let go of the guilt and start to forgive myself.  Everyone makes mistakes. It is time to move. Onwards and upwards. Like with my knee, my progress may be slower than I had hoped but I'm still moving forward and getting stronger. With each passing day I can see the old me coming back. She's stuck inside but she's still there.

I'm not proud of myself. I feel shame every day at the choices I have made and the resultant position I am in but I am not going to be here forever. Today I will smile and show everyone that I am stronger than I was yesterday.

Repeat ad nauseam.