As I cooked eggs for breakfast this morning, I realised that I stress so much about what I look like and no one cares. Apart from me. No one is looking at my wobbly bits so why does it matter? There's no one out there craving to see my naked body. There's nobody critiquing the adipose tissue on my hips or the fact that my thighs bulge. There's not a single person in the world looking at the layer of fat that covers my entire body. No. One.
So why do I tear myself to pieces about it? Why does it matter so much to me? Why is unattainable perfection so important? Why do I work myself to illness at the gym? Why do I berate myself for eating three pieces of chocolate after dinner (not three blocks, three squares)? What does it matter?
In truth, it doesn't. It really, really does not.
Being a specific weight and size does not make me a better person. It does not make me more likeable. It definitely does not make me richer. Nor does it ensure that I will live longer. Having loose jeans will not make my boyfriend love me. Nor will looking good in a bikini make me more compassionate.
The traits that I value are not based on the size of underwear I wear. They are based on the way I treat others. I value honesty, kindness, compassion, generosity, thoughtfulness and authenticity. None of that comes from working out like an elite athlete. All those things come from being emotionally available with a smidgen of vulnerability. The traits that hold weight for me are about being human, not superhuman.
Apart from my boyfriend, no one ever asks me how much weight I lift or how many reps I did. No one cares. But I care. So I will continue to work out because it matters to me. Not because it might make my boyfriend want to make love to me - because it doesn't. Not because my mother will finally be proud of me - because she won't. Not because it makes me more desirable as a person; it doesn't. I do it because it brings me happiness. It brings me peace. And it helps me to face the barrage of shit that seemingly gets thrown at me as I make my way through life.
I work out because I want to. I eat clean because I want to. I stay hydrated because I want to. I have made a conscious choice to do these things for me. I get up at 0400 when it is three degrees outside because I like to get ahead of the pack. I am not interested in following like a well behaved little sheeple. I will not comply because that is what is expected of me. I will continue to make decisions in my life for me. I am the one that needs to live with myself and the decisions I make. No one else.
If people are going to talk about you (which they're not - see previous point about the fact that they don't care), you might as well give them something to say. And I want them to say that I led a full life. One in which I looked after myself but one where I made sure that those around me are happy. I truly believe that it is the little things in life that matter. Like leaving the man you love a handwritten note on the kitchen bench every single morning when you sneak out of the house before dawn. Or making sure that you remember people's birthdays. Or jumping up and down like a 5 year old when a friend gets engaged. Sending a text to help motivate a friend with their fitness journey. Those are the things that matter.
No comments:
Post a Comment