Regret

Regret is such an interesting emotion. For me, regret is intertwined with guilt. Despite the fact that it was unsafe for me and unhealthy for my children, I feel guilty that I left my marriage. I feel guilty that I could not make it work. I regret that I could not make the father of my children love me. After countless attempts over many long years, he couldn't see my misery. He was unwilling to follow through on his endless promises of change. Instead, he sat on the couch for days at a time, unshowered and unhappy. Nothing I could do could pull him out of his depression and addiction. There are days where I regret not fighting harder, or for longer. And there are other days where I can't believe I didn't leave sooner. The guilt kicks in - "why did I stay?", "why didn't I seek legal advice before I left?", "how could I be so stupid as to think there would be a way to help him see reason?". 

Again, the man I married is not an evil man. I just wasn't the right girl for him so he tried to mould me into someone else. I regret not standing up for myself. I regret not chasing my dreams. I regret giving up so much of who I was for him. And I worry that I will fall into the same trap again.