When I sit in the Qantas International lounge at 0500 on a Monday morning, dousing myself in tea in an attempt to fire up my inactive brain cells I am reminded that I chose this. I applied for this job, I asked for the promotion and I choose to stay. Every day that I ignore the email alerts from Seek, every time I delete that unread email full of other opportunities I make a choice.
I choose to stay in a job that has me travel to New Zealand three weeks out of every four. I choose to work 14-20 hours a day in a position I am about $30k underpaid for. I choose to worry about all the work that remains undone after I dedicate all my waking hours to the office. I choose to put work above my health. I choose to be away from my fiance, friends and extended family. Every day I make a choice to keep myself in this state of fatigue where I am inundated with work and have an overbearing sense that I am completely undervalued.
The question begs - why?
Why do I get so much satisfaction from work? Why is it that my worth is tied to a job? What is it about work that makes me prioritise it over my health? I LOVE the gym but if I haven't closed out my to do list for the day I stay in the office well past quitting time.
This is where I do what I do - I assess. I look for motives. I question everything about the choices I make and I analyse the results.
Politics aside, I love my job. I love the adrenaline rush that comes with a tight timeline. I love the sense of accomplishment I get for doing what others consider impossible. I love the challenge.
I think my work ethic comes from my mother who always put work ahead of everything. I like to think I'm not that bad but I am close. I see my mother in me all the time and that's when I reign myself in. That's when I put work aside to make sure I have meal prepped for the week and ensure that I get to the gym at least five days a week.
And, if I am truly honest, I love that people think I'm great for doing what I do. I have a huge amount of pride in the work that I do. It is my signature and I sign it deliberately and with care.
So, I come to a place of acceptance. While I need to work on creating a better balance in my life, I am always working towards that. I have secured an apartment in New Zealand which I will move into next week which will make the world of difference (it's the little things in life that matter the most). While this may seem insignificant, it means that I don't have to iron my clothes on a Monday night, that I can cook in bulk and throw some things in the freezer, that I can do my laundry and have a home away from home.
Life is all about choices. While my life is not easy I am doing a job that I love with people who interest me. I am building up a wealth of experience - not only in my job and life but with myself. Spending time alone is a great way to build character (I am much more resilient after a year of trans-Tasman travel). I am secure in my relationship with my fiance and I know where I stand with my friends; because the real ones always make an effort.
Ultimately, I choose to make the most out of every situation. Ideal or not, I will find something to gain from life. So, rather than focusing on the fact that I am tired, overworked and underpaid I choose to live!
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