Things you should know

I have been trying to eat well lately. I've never had a terrible diet (MacDonalds is not real food!) but I have recently cut out refined white sugar (mostly) and the majority of carbs. I feel fantastic! My moods are much less intense. I am more subdued in my approach to everything. Nothing makes me really happy but nothing destroys me either.

I recently saw a post about what you need to know when dating a fit chick. I don't put myself in the fit chick category (last night I ate pizza and two scoops of ice cream from Gelato Messina FFS). On the other hand I have been up since five so I can roast pumpkin to go in my salad for lunch and do a home-grown circuit. Before most people are awake I have done 400 sit ups, 150 squats, 100 lunges, bicep curls, leg extensions, tricep dips and planking. I have done two loads of washing, showered, dressed, done my hair and packed my running bag for tonight. It is 0607.

This is who I am

I love Vanessa Amorossi's This is Who I Am. I am getting to a point where I am unapologetically me. I am working hard on liking every bit of me and being proud of the person that I am. I have the best of intentions and I truly care about the people in my life. I am more secure than I ever have been (not to say I'm not insecure about a few things but I am working on that, really I am). I no longer try to please others or care what they think about what I wear, how I dance, the music I listen to or what I say.

I'm not perfect. Far from it! I fuck up all the time. But I strive, first and foremost, to make myself happy. That's not to say I don't love the people in my life, I do. Very much. I treat them well and I like to spoil them with impromptu gifts from time to time. However, I give because I want to not because it is expected or I feel obliged.

I am not the kind of person that works well on a routine. I don't like the mundane predictability of a life like that. While it brings comfort to some I find it stifling and icky. I like to mix things up and regularly do.

I like to stay fit. I like to eat well. Two things I am taking more seriously as time goes on. For me, exercise is critical to maintaining mental health. I've let it slip a bit in the last few weeks and it shows. I need to exercise on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day. Three times if I have had to deal with the lawyer of my ex. I am working on getting back into exercise and finding new ways to challenge my body.

While I am happy in kicks and a pair of jeans, I love dresses and high heels. I love fresh flowers. I like to keep my house clean and stay on top of the washing. I don't like dirty dishes hanging around and towels should always be hung on the rack. I am particular about everything having a home and being put back where it belongs. I can imagine I will, now that I have realised how important these things are to me, be a right royal pain in the sense to live with.

I am okay alone but I am not truly happy. I want someone to share my life with. Someone I am passionate about and who makes me feel alive. Someone I can discuss anything with. Someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all (o one is perfect! Even me). Someone who won't judge me when I eat half a pizza and two scoops of ice cream on the weekend but stick to salad during the week. Someone who is not embarrassed to order me food that won't make me sick; who is, in fact, ridiculously considerate of my allergies. Someone who challenges me but will catch me when I push myself too far and fall in a heap, like I am known to do. Regularly. Someone who understands that, when my world is crumbling in around me, I need a hug and will hold on just that little longer to let me know that it's going to be okay. Who realises that, when he's let go, there's still more hurt so hugs me again, a little tighter. Someone who is strong enough to call me on my shit when I fail but man enough to know when I've learnt my lesson and need a little slack.

I accept that there are less than ideal parts of me that I cannot change. When I really care about someone, I am insecure. I need more reassurance than I should because fear is an issue for me. My past means I carry demons I don't yet know how to let go of. One day I will be free of them but I don't have the skills I need right now to rid myself of them. Until that time I will endeavour to surround myself with people that provide me with love and support. Who don't shame me or make me feel inferior for being honest and open. I am actively shutting out people who treat me poorly or make me feel bad about myself for the way they cope with my behaviour. I'm aware that there are times when I'm intense. There are certain topics that trigger me and they are always the things I am most passionate about; the ones that matter most to me - my children and the people I love the most.

I have few friends. Those I have, I love dearly. They're all a little messed up in their own special way.  Nothing wrong with that!! In fact, I love that about them. It makes them human. It makes them real. It means that we can support each other and grow together.

I am spending more time alone than I ever have. I am now home most nights and for stretches of the weekend. My home is slowly being converted into something I am really proud of. A space I like to be in. A safe haven. A sanctuary.

This is me. I like me. Come join me if you please. While I am okay by myself, I enjoy company.

Love thyself - Part II

I have focused the last ninety days to myself. I have followed my dreams and booked a holiday as I desperately want to travel. I have taken up photography again. I am dabbling in art. I have made my home a sanctuary.

I'm not happy. Far from it. I want my babies with me full time but that's not an option right now.  I want mad, crazy, happy, respectful love. But that's not going to happen either. Despite not having the two things I want most, I am content. I need no one. I am okay. I don't feel like I am living but rather existing and I have to be fine with that. I have me and I am enough.

Another year I didn't die

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the happiest birthday I have had since I was a teen. I was spoilt rotten. Not only in gifts (where I was given some stunning and very generous presents) but in outpourings of love from family and friends alike.

I can honestly say that I had no idea so many people cared about me. The texts and messages I received warmed my heart and gave me courage and strength to continue.

I am amazed and pleasantly surprised. I am so very grateful for the gifts I received but so much moreso for the sentiments that came with them. My heartfelt thanks go to each and every special person in my life. I am blessed; for I have many.

Obligatory respite

I recently booked my first holiday in over a decade. In mid October I will spend eight nights in a tropical resort. This is a holiday of obligation. It is not a destination I have been dreaming about going to. It is a holiday because I am run down. I am heartbroken and tired. I am severely sleep deprived and I am craving warmth. 

I am trying to look at it in a positive light. It is the cheapest holiday EVER. My eight nights' accommodation and breakfasts is costing me a grand total of $321. I am going to try to cross some things off my bucket list while I am there which will be satisfying. And I am going to be warm! No numb fingers or toes for me.

I am going to have eight full days where I am free to do as I please. Apart from flights, I will not be required to be anywhere at any particular time. I will be able to eat when I am hungry, run when I want and walk everywhere. I will be able to read my book in the sunshine, paddle on the aqua sea and hike in the rainforest.  I know I am travelling in the wet season and I am going to try to nap when it is rainy. I  have no expectations of the trip, because it is not a lifelong dream, therefore I have no chance of being disappointed.

I have always wanted to travel but I see this as obligation with perhaps the potential for adventure. I am going to try to take things as they come. Being a natural planner, I am really struggling with that idea. But, to be honest, I am finding making decisions very difficult at the moment. So much so that I cannot decide what to do with the time that I have available. This is disturbing me greatly. One of the reasons I am going on holiday is that I will be forced to make decisions every day and I am hoping I can build some confidence with that. 

I am not excited about my holiday but I am relieved for the opportunity it presents.

To blave

Love, true love is so rare. More often than not one person in a partnership is more heavily invested than the other. Truly committed, loving relationships are one in a million.

My full heart is longing to bloom in love. The reality is that my heart and soul are badly damaged. I have come a long way and I am much happier with myself than I have been since I was a teen. But there's still that yearning for a deeply committed, honest, open, respectful relationship. One where both people grow in a nurtured space. Where there is understanding, forgiveness, compassion and warmth. Where hugs flow freely and kisses abound.

Aunt Flo

I have come to terms with what being single means - no hugs at the end of a hard day, no support when life inevitably goes to shit and no sex.

Equally it means no drama, no conflict and the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want. If I feel like roasted broccoli that's what I do. I don't have to compromise and I don't have to be considerate of someone else. 

I'm okay with being on my own three weeks a month. The one week I have my period, though, is awful. There are tears, snot and so much sadness.