This is who I am

I love Vanessa Amorossi's This is Who I Am. I am getting to a point where I am unapologetically me. I am working hard on liking every bit of me and being proud of the person that I am. I have the best of intentions and I truly care about the people in my life. I am more secure than I ever have been (not to say I'm not insecure about a few things but I am working on that, really I am). I no longer try to please others or care what they think about what I wear, how I dance, the music I listen to or what I say.

I'm not perfect. Far from it! I fuck up all the time. But I strive, first and foremost, to make myself happy. That's not to say I don't love the people in my life, I do. Very much. I treat them well and I like to spoil them with impromptu gifts from time to time. However, I give because I want to not because it is expected or I feel obliged.

I am not the kind of person that works well on a routine. I don't like the mundane predictability of a life like that. While it brings comfort to some I find it stifling and icky. I like to mix things up and regularly do.

I like to stay fit. I like to eat well. Two things I am taking more seriously as time goes on. For me, exercise is critical to maintaining mental health. I've let it slip a bit in the last few weeks and it shows. I need to exercise on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day. Three times if I have had to deal with the lawyer of my ex. I am working on getting back into exercise and finding new ways to challenge my body.

While I am happy in kicks and a pair of jeans, I love dresses and high heels. I love fresh flowers. I like to keep my house clean and stay on top of the washing. I don't like dirty dishes hanging around and towels should always be hung on the rack. I am particular about everything having a home and being put back where it belongs. I can imagine I will, now that I have realised how important these things are to me, be a right royal pain in the sense to live with.

I am okay alone but I am not truly happy. I want someone to share my life with. Someone I am passionate about and who makes me feel alive. Someone I can discuss anything with. Someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all (o one is perfect! Even me). Someone who won't judge me when I eat half a pizza and two scoops of ice cream on the weekend but stick to salad during the week. Someone who is not embarrassed to order me food that won't make me sick; who is, in fact, ridiculously considerate of my allergies. Someone who challenges me but will catch me when I push myself too far and fall in a heap, like I am known to do. Regularly. Someone who understands that, when my world is crumbling in around me, I need a hug and will hold on just that little longer to let me know that it's going to be okay. Who realises that, when he's let go, there's still more hurt so hugs me again, a little tighter. Someone who is strong enough to call me on my shit when I fail but man enough to know when I've learnt my lesson and need a little slack.

I accept that there are less than ideal parts of me that I cannot change. When I really care about someone, I am insecure. I need more reassurance than I should because fear is an issue for me. My past means I carry demons I don't yet know how to let go of. One day I will be free of them but I don't have the skills I need right now to rid myself of them. Until that time I will endeavour to surround myself with people that provide me with love and support. Who don't shame me or make me feel inferior for being honest and open. I am actively shutting out people who treat me poorly or make me feel bad about myself for the way they cope with my behaviour. I'm aware that there are times when I'm intense. There are certain topics that trigger me and they are always the things I am most passionate about; the ones that matter most to me - my children and the people I love the most.

I have few friends. Those I have, I love dearly. They're all a little messed up in their own special way.  Nothing wrong with that!! In fact, I love that about them. It makes them human. It makes them real. It means that we can support each other and grow together.

I am spending more time alone than I ever have. I am now home most nights and for stretches of the weekend. My home is slowly being converted into something I am really proud of. A space I like to be in. A safe haven. A sanctuary.

This is me. I like me. Come join me if you please. While I am okay by myself, I enjoy company.