It's the little things

I have had endless conversations with various people over the last few months about relationships.  I have come to the conclusion that relationships fail over the little things.  The big things come infrequently enough that they can be dealt with as they occur.  It is the little things are everyday things. that wear you down and drive you to give up the fight.

Sure there are overarching big things that would be deal breakers.  But I could not develop a relationship with someone without respect, trust, manners, empathy, humour, intelligence, discretion and compassion or who does not hold the same values I do in terms of family and friends.

So, I've been thinking about the things that matter to me in everyday life.  Like food preferences; eating habits; hygiene standards; bathroom etiquette; household management; taste in music, movies and TV shows; social habits and communication.

For me, I need someone that both accepts and respects my fussy eating habits and dietary restrictions; who doesn't mock me for my choices and is not embarrassed by my allergies.  I like to share my love of hot (and iced) chocolate beverages; cocktails, desserts and dough-based products like pizza and bread.  I need someone that does no chew with their mouth open or talk through their food.  Someone who has table manners and does not mind if I try their whatever.  I believe food (and drink) is meant to be shared.  

I need someone who showers every day; cuts their fingernails and is presentable.  I don't care what their attire is as long as it is neat.  I need someone who hangs the towel and bathmat to dry after showering, who replaces the spent toilet roll and puts tissues in the bin.  

I have reasonable standards for my home.  I expect others (including my reluctant children!) to comply with those standards.  Pack up when you are finished with something, make the bed in the morning, empty the bin when it is full, put washing in the hamper.  Dirty dishes belong on the sink or the dishwasher.  If the dishwasher is full, put it on.  If it is clean, empty it.  If you make a mess, clean it up.  I am happy to take on the responsibility of weekly tasks like mopping, vacuuming, mowing lawns and such but daily maintenance is a responsibility for all and makes the weekly tasks so much less ownerous.  

I don't expect someone to be totally in line with me in terms of taste for music, movies and TV shows but commonality is important.  I love going to the movies and like to share that.  But, like with everything, I am discerning.  I have high standards and I am not going to pay twenty or so dollars to see a piece of shite.  I like action and comedy.  I am not a fan of sci-fi.

I like going out.  I like meeting randoms.  I like exploring new places.  I like meeting new people.  I have various groups of friends and like to catch up with them all but they generally don't intermingle.   Therefore, there are some people that I only see over a cuppa.  Others I visit in their home or mine for a meal.  Others are dancing buddies.  Some are happy to meet in a pub and drink and chat.  I like to do all of these things.

Furthermore, I don't want to live in someone's pocket.  I need time alone.  I also need to be able to spend time by myself with people.  Not because I need to talk about things in secret but because I need to be able to dedicate time to special people in my life.  I need someone that understands and can cope with all of that. Ideally, that someone would have their own stuff too.  I think it is important to spend time together but to balance that with time apart.

I am not much of a talker, especially about things that matter to me.  I often regret the things that I say because I cannot adequately express myself when put on the spot.  That's why I write.  It gives me the space to gather my thoughts.  Sometimes talking about things is the only option and I respect that but I am not good with conflict and tend to get muddled and overwhelmed. I think that stems from years of relinquished control and it is something I am working on.  I need someone that understands that, is patient with that and persists through that.

I will never again settle for less than this.  I have compromised too much of my life already.  Anyone that comes into my life is going to have to be one tough son of a bitch.  Not only to be able to deal with me (because apparently despite my self-assessment I am high maintenance) but also to be of a high enough standard to not just meet the bar but sail straight over it.