More on little things

As usual, I have been thinking. My brain is on endless loop most of the time but I am getting better at quietening it down.  I am also getting better at prioritising my needs and standing up for what I believe in.  I used to have such great resolve.  I had my opinion and, though I would listen to others point of view (and, infrequently, change my opinion if their argument and evidence was strong enough); I lost that for a long time.   I was easily overridden by other people.  I did not trust my own conclusions.  My self worth was so degraded that I reverted to other people to tell me what I thought about things.  I am slowly building back up to that.

With time, I am learning to see that it is the culmination of little things that make a difference in life.  I am putting a lot of effort into restablishing relationships with my relatives.  I was removed from them for such a long time and I know it is going to be a gradual process but it's such a wonderful and heartening experience.  I have an awesome family.  I can drink with my Mum, swear in front of my Dad, party with my sister, cry with my cousin and chat with my aunt.  I consider myself very fortunate.

Don't get me wrong, my family are mad.  Utterly crazy but they are my people.  They accept me for who I am even though I have been out of their lives for over a decade.  They love me even though I am broken and sad.  They continually pick me up and prop me until I can stand by myself.  When I fall they are there to pick me up all over again.

I am starting to appreciate the little things - a text here, a phone call there, an impromptu visit, a hug, a smile or a knowing glance.  The presence of these little things makes me start to realise that I am worthy of that.  While I will not demand such things, I am getting better at asking for what I need and making others around me aware of how I would like to be treated.  No one is a mind reader and there's no harm in asking.  The worst that is going to happen is that someone will say no.  In that case, I will accept it and keep going or I will decide that it's a deal breaker and move on.  Either way, I am not going to sit idle.  I am a doormat for no one.