I am running low. I have been battling for a long time and I am just exhausted. I want to have the energy to keep fighting but I just don't. I can't. I have nothing more. I am spent.
The truth is that good people finish last. I have given so much and I just keep getting screwed over. People mistake my kindness for weakness and they feed on it until it becomes just that. I have too many battles raging at the moment. I just don't know where to start. And I am hitting brick walls at every turn. People say I need to be smarter, more ruthless, tougher, stronger, firmer. Don't they realise that if I could be those things I wouldn't be in this fucking position?
I know they are trying to help but I am constantly amazed at the lack of consideration. Or perhaps it is just a complete lack of understanding. I feel like the Foo Fighters "Skin and Bones", all worn out and nothing fits; the more I give the less I get.
I find people always misunderstand my intentions. I am not a mean or vindictive person. Perhaps there are times when I should be more like that but it does not sit well with me. I am generous and caring. I am thoughtful and energetic. I mean no ill to anyone. Not even those who may deserve it.
This is not how I want my story to end. My psychologist wants me to picture what I want my life to look like in five years. It's not an easy thing to do. I want to be running my own business; I am not built to take direction from other people and it's the only way to make money. And I seriously need to rebuild. I want to be surrounded by my children. I want to be me. I want to continue to find the things that I enjoy and do them as often as I can. I want to travel - New York, Paris, Ibiza, the tulip fields in the Netherlands, rainforests of the Amazon, Okavango Delta.
I'm ok with doing that by myself but I would love to share it with someone. Problem. I now have standards that I will not relinquish on. They are exceptionally high. I have been spoilt and I will not be able to settle for something of lesser quality. I doubt that there is anyone out there that meets the bill. And what's the chance that they are single? And then there are the demons that race in shouting "he'll never choose you anyway". I need to paint a new picture.
I find people always misunderstand my intentions. I am not a mean or vindictive person. Perhaps there are times when I should be more like that but it does not sit well with me. I am generous and caring. I am thoughtful and energetic. I mean no ill to anyone. Not even those who may deserve it.
This is not how I want my story to end. My psychologist wants me to picture what I want my life to look like in five years. It's not an easy thing to do. I want to be running my own business; I am not built to take direction from other people and it's the only way to make money. And I seriously need to rebuild. I want to be surrounded by my children. I want to be me. I want to continue to find the things that I enjoy and do them as often as I can. I want to travel - New York, Paris, Ibiza, the tulip fields in the Netherlands, rainforests of the Amazon, Okavango Delta.
I'm ok with doing that by myself but I would love to share it with someone. Problem. I now have standards that I will not relinquish on. They are exceptionally high. I have been spoilt and I will not be able to settle for something of lesser quality. I doubt that there is anyone out there that meets the bill. And what's the chance that they are single? And then there are the demons that race in shouting "he'll never choose you anyway". I need to paint a new picture.
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