Time to just be

Last weekend I sat. I sat atop a vent with a blanket over my knees aside my gorgeous north facing window. I just sat with myself and tried to accept. As I watched the last of the autumn leaves falling I sat and let my mind wander. Rather than what I normally do (over analyse everything and try to make sense of the shit in my life) I took note of my thought or feeling and let it go. I imagined writing the thought or emotion on a helium balloon and visualised it floating away. It was not easy but, with practice, I hope to be able to do this as a matter of course. 

I found my train of thought intriguing. I started thinking about studying forestry at uni and what a waste of five years of my life it was. Then I recalled something my yogi said "Develop a 'no comment' file". So, I reframed my thinking. I looked at the time at uni and saw the amazing friendships, the outrageous parties, the mad amount of alcohol consumed and the wealth of knowledge I have as a result (from road construction to orchid identification to entomology to staff management to economics and statistics). I let my forestry balloon go, feeling peaceful. I thought about the damage the recent storms have done to the garden and immediately began berating myself for not cleaning the gutters. I watched the rain drop down and switched my thinking to how unsafe and irresponsible it would be for me to be on a ladder in the rain. I let the gutter balloon go. I followed this pattern with the unfinished housework, a myriad of insecurities, the relentless Melbourne traffic, my physical and emotional pain and my abysmal effort at yoga. I gave each balloon a name and a colour and watched them float away. Buffeted by the wind. Unable to control their course.  I visualised them intermingling in the atmosphere. Bumping into each other as they travelled with the wind and the natural buoyancy of helium. I let them go without thinking where they would end up; without worrying what would happen to them.

Then I lay in the fading light, just me.