More on little things

As usual, I have been thinking. My brain is on endless loop most of the time but I am getting better at quietening it down.  I am also getting better at prioritising my needs and standing up for what I believe in.  I used to have such great resolve.  I had my opinion and, though I would listen to others point of view (and, infrequently, change my opinion if their argument and evidence was strong enough); I lost that for a long time.   I was easily overridden by other people.  I did not trust my own conclusions.  My self worth was so degraded that I reverted to other people to tell me what I thought about things.  I am slowly building back up to that.

With time, I am learning to see that it is the culmination of little things that make a difference in life.  I am putting a lot of effort into restablishing relationships with my relatives.  I was removed from them for such a long time and I know it is going to be a gradual process but it's such a wonderful and heartening experience.  I have an awesome family.  I can drink with my Mum, swear in front of my Dad, party with my sister, cry with my cousin and chat with my aunt.  I consider myself very fortunate.

Don't get me wrong, my family are mad.  Utterly crazy but they are my people.  They accept me for who I am even though I have been out of their lives for over a decade.  They love me even though I am broken and sad.  They continually pick me up and prop me until I can stand by myself.  When I fall they are there to pick me up all over again.

I am starting to appreciate the little things - a text here, a phone call there, an impromptu visit, a hug, a smile or a knowing glance.  The presence of these little things makes me start to realise that I am worthy of that.  While I will not demand such things, I am getting better at asking for what I need and making others around me aware of how I would like to be treated.  No one is a mind reader and there's no harm in asking.  The worst that is going to happen is that someone will say no.  In that case, I will accept it and keep going or I will decide that it's a deal breaker and move on.  Either way, I am not going to sit idle.  I am a doormat for no one.

Staying true

Despite what most people think, we are all influenced by the people around us.  On top of that is pop culture and the inescapable formative years that shape who we fundamentally are. Staying true to yourself amid all the conflict can be a tricky path.

For me, time alone reaffirms my position and recharges my ability to tell the rest of the world to fuck off.  On my run this morning I realised that I will never again let someone take away who I am.  I am beginning to believe that I am worthy of  more.  I am not willing to settle for less than the best but I will not sacrifice who I am to get it.  If people don't like me as I am they can move on.  I am swiftly moving to the point where I no longer need validation from other people.  I know that when I get to that point I have reached authenticity.

He messed me up

Today, I am accepting that he messed me up.  I am trying to accept that I was responsible for letting that happen.  I want to scream the house down with Pink's "What Do You Want From Me" and, because I can, that is what I will do.

There is therapy in music.  There is therapy in dance.  I can do neither.  However, there is no one here to witness my shortfalls so I will carry on with my free therapy and continue to try to heal.

Love

Love gets into all the empty spaces and fills them up like expandafoam. It binds together the broken bits. It encases the crap. It soothes the inner child and calms the raging beasts.

Separating the wheat from the chaff

There are so many metaphors that fly through my head. Tonight's is a rural one. I have been tirelessly working on trying to improve myself. Part of that process is letting go. Last week was balloons this week it's chaff (and all it's associated dust). I'm not one for clutter. Clean surfaces and smooth lines for me!  My ultimate home would be a converted warehouse in the CBD with polished timber and stainless steel throughout. Wide expanses of nothingness. No trinkets in my home!!

My body is a different matter. I hold onto shit far longer than I should. I can replay conversations from my childhood verbatim. I recall snippets from my teen years where insults were flung recklessly. They all still reside with me. I use them frequently as reminders of my failure, my lack of worth, my true inner self. 

However, I am currently reassessing those conversations and comments and trying to evaluate them against the person I am today. I am constantly holding back. Afraid that I'll get hurt again. That I will be fucked over. But the truth is I cannot be more hurt or screwed than I am now. I might as well unbound the shackles and let go. Let the wind blow through my body and carry off the chaff and its dust. Get back to clean lines, hardwood and stainless steel. Find the solid foundation and stick with it. I am continually cleansing. It's an iterative process (akin to decluttering). Instead of throwing away material possessions accumulated over the years I am letting go of past hurts. My scarred body will one day be rid the crap and I will then have the capacity to refurnish and move in.  

Time to just be

Last weekend I sat. I sat atop a vent with a blanket over my knees aside my gorgeous north facing window. I just sat with myself and tried to accept. As I watched the last of the autumn leaves falling I sat and let my mind wander. Rather than what I normally do (over analyse everything and try to make sense of the shit in my life) I took note of my thought or feeling and let it go. I imagined writing the thought or emotion on a helium balloon and visualised it floating away. It was not easy but, with practice, I hope to be able to do this as a matter of course. 

I found my train of thought intriguing. I started thinking about studying forestry at uni and what a waste of five years of my life it was. Then I recalled something my yogi said "Develop a 'no comment' file". So, I reframed my thinking. I looked at the time at uni and saw the amazing friendships, the outrageous parties, the mad amount of alcohol consumed and the wealth of knowledge I have as a result (from road construction to orchid identification to entomology to staff management to economics and statistics). I let my forestry balloon go, feeling peaceful. I thought about the damage the recent storms have done to the garden and immediately began berating myself for not cleaning the gutters. I watched the rain drop down and switched my thinking to how unsafe and irresponsible it would be for me to be on a ladder in the rain. I let the gutter balloon go. I followed this pattern with the unfinished housework, a myriad of insecurities, the relentless Melbourne traffic, my physical and emotional pain and my abysmal effort at yoga. I gave each balloon a name and a colour and watched them float away. Buffeted by the wind. Unable to control their course.  I visualised them intermingling in the atmosphere. Bumping into each other as they travelled with the wind and the natural buoyancy of helium. I let them go without thinking where they would end up; without worrying what would happen to them.

Then I lay in the fading light, just me.

Better man

When will all of this make sense?

How do I move forward hence?

I am told I'll find a better man

I fear, however, there's no way I can

For I am scarred, beaten, lost

I'm lonely, worthless, cold as frost

I am, right now, lower than low

What could I have to offer a beau?

My breasts have fed two precious babes

My heart has suffered slowly with tabes

Wrapped in barbed wire and thoroughly scarred 

My heart is damaged, useless, marred 

My brain is fried 

I've cried and cried (and cried and cried)

I've turned inward and cringed at the sight

I've wanted to die and thought I might

I've battled illness, I've fought alone

I've become a wretched ugly crone

I want to be able to crank it up; become super lady 

To face the world, to shut them up, shun all that's shady

I want it all and now is good

I've been holding back, I thought I should

Until now I've done it all for others

Husband, children, sister, mothers 

Now it's up to me, myself

I lay upon the dusty shelf

I have no life or love to offer

I will hold my feelings in a coffer

A tiny part wants to prove the neigh sayers wrong

I'll probably instead just turn to song

Sing out of time and out of key

Revert my name to nee

Tell lies of how okay I am

While dining on crepes with jam

I'll wash it down with tales of how

I'm bound to do much better now

For now I am rid of ball and chain

Destined to never love again

For I am broken, scarred and scared

It matters not what's in my head

For men want only what's in my pants

While I just want to dance, dance, dance

So I'll stick with skirts 

And sweet desserts

I'll take the good, the bad, the ugly

I'll lie in bed at night, smugly

Knowing that they'll never

Have it all, ever

That's their loss cause here's a dame

Who's smart and fun and is game

A lady who can play the fool

While knowing that you'll 

Rue the day

You let this fish away

For each and every man I've loved

Has pushed and pulled and tugged and shoved

And tried to make me fit a mould

With a notch, a groove, a full on fold

I've never been just quite enough

Close but perhaps a little rough

I've tolerated more than I should

Been through a whole lot more than most ever could

And when I've left they're full of regret 

Each admitting that they've just let

The lady of their dreams slip by

Yet they willing allow me to fly

So I cannot have meant that much to them

I'm a piece of fluff, lint, some phlegm 

The evidence mounts atop 

As I fall deeper down the drop

My self esteem takes a pounding

The truth it is resounding

But I'll take it firmly on the chin

Face the world with a superficial grin

I'll battle wars that can't be won

And spin the whirlwind til it's spun

I'll come out stronger, tougher, meaner

I'll be battle ready, internally cleaner

I'll build stone walls around 

From deep within the underground

I'll prepare my romantic tendencies 

And remove all propensity towards dependencies

I'll be completely self reliant

I'll be cruel and defiant

I'll be nothing like me at all

For no one wants that shortfall 

I'll model myself on someone else

Like ScarJo or a Christmas Elf

I'll find a way to hide my faults

Stick myself back with nuts and bolts

Cover the over with powder and gloss

Pretend I'm not bitter and cross

I'll play the part and meet the need

I'll clean the house, provide the feed

I'll let go of all my dreams

I'll buy the lotions and the creams 

Or; I'll take the high road

Break the code

Yell "Fuck you suckers! "

Chat to truckers

Meet more randoms, dance with strangers

Live my life, screw the dangers

I'm meant for more

I'll hit the core

I'll find a way to shake the tree

Get the nuts AND be free

I will find love one day 

One day it will find a way

I will tell the truth

We will French kiss in a booth 

I'll call him on his shit 

And not worry that he'll hit

For though he may threatened in jest

I know that he'll know that I'm the best

I'll drink with him and eat good food

He won't care that I'm crude

He'll laugh at all my stupid jokes 

He'll tolerate, then love my folks

I'll show him all the nasty shit inside

I won't care if he runs to hide

I've hidden from that crap

There's so much you need a map!

But that won't matter because you see

This time I'll let him see me

And if I am not good enough 

Then he can try to call my bluff

Because I will no longer settle

Only the best for me or hit the metal

I'll determine who is best

Not my sister, mother or the rest

I am a fussy bitch you see

Only the best get to be with me

No more compromising from now on

The ugly ducking is a swan

And swans seek out clean water

So all you second grade men oughtta

Just step aside and let my shine 

Cause the dance floor is now mine

And I may not be professionally trained 

But what I have can't be detained

I am full of life you see

Mischief, fun and a side of Brie

I have two children, they come first

I love them so much I could burst

But I have plenty of love left over

A different kind, saved for The Drover

I am special, not unique 

The perfect blend of strong and weak

I will light your fire 

Hell, I'll even change your tyre

But don't be reckless with my heart

It is quite the work of art

Covered in scars 

It looks like the sky of stars

Pocked and stitched 

It probably would be best switched

But it's mine and it tells a story 

Not of fame nor power nor of glory

One of truth and love and betrayal 

In it lies the holy grail

For there is love more deep and true

Reserved for only a select few

Once you're in you're good as gold

For my love will never fold

It will endure forever 

It will survive whatever

Happens in the future

It changes, morphs, needs a suture

But it will survive 

For I will keep it alive

For now I bide my time

Knowing that this bullshit rhyme

Is nothing but a firm reminder 

That I need to be much kinder

To myself and all my flaws

To clutch those straws

And hold on tight

Hold on with all my might

Because I'm worthy, just as I am

If you don't think so watch the door slam

The mind body connection

I have always been an emotional person.  I cry at the movies (hell, I've even cried when watching a commercial); I have exceptionally high empathy; I internalise everything and I carry the scars of doing so.  As my psychologist says, I am more damaged than I appear.  

My path has never been easy.  I doubt anyone's is, to be honest.  I think others are just better at hiding it or dealing with it.

For me, when things affect me emotionally, they affect me physically.  My immune system falls to pieces and I become susceptible to anything going around.  

No fun

I am finding it very difficult to be a fun person lately. It's not that I want to be a sour sack just that I have nothing to be happy about. There are days when my happiest moments are drinking hot chocolate with the boys at work. Even then they're complaining about my lack of smiling. 

I know I am doing better than a whole bunch of people. I know I should be thankful for what I've got but I am sad dammit. Let me just sit with it!

It's the little things

I have had endless conversations with various people over the last few months about relationships.  I have come to the conclusion that relationships fail over the little things.  The big things come infrequently enough that they can be dealt with as they occur.  It is the little things are everyday things. that wear you down and drive you to give up the fight.

Sure there are overarching big things that would be deal breakers.  But I could not develop a relationship with someone without respect, trust, manners, empathy, humour, intelligence, discretion and compassion or who does not hold the same values I do in terms of family and friends.

So, I've been thinking about the things that matter to me in everyday life.  Like food preferences; eating habits; hygiene standards; bathroom etiquette; household management; taste in music, movies and TV shows; social habits and communication.

For me, I need someone that both accepts and respects my fussy eating habits and dietary restrictions; who doesn't mock me for my choices and is not embarrassed by my allergies.  I like to share my love of hot (and iced) chocolate beverages; cocktails, desserts and dough-based products like pizza and bread.  I need someone that does no chew with their mouth open or talk through their food.  Someone who has table manners and does not mind if I try their whatever.  I believe food (and drink) is meant to be shared.  

I need someone who showers every day; cuts their fingernails and is presentable.  I don't care what their attire is as long as it is neat.  I need someone who hangs the towel and bathmat to dry after showering, who replaces the spent toilet roll and puts tissues in the bin.  

I have reasonable standards for my home.  I expect others (including my reluctant children!) to comply with those standards.  Pack up when you are finished with something, make the bed in the morning, empty the bin when it is full, put washing in the hamper.  Dirty dishes belong on the sink or the dishwasher.  If the dishwasher is full, put it on.  If it is clean, empty it.  If you make a mess, clean it up.  I am happy to take on the responsibility of weekly tasks like mopping, vacuuming, mowing lawns and such but daily maintenance is a responsibility for all and makes the weekly tasks so much less ownerous.  

I don't expect someone to be totally in line with me in terms of taste for music, movies and TV shows but commonality is important.  I love going to the movies and like to share that.  But, like with everything, I am discerning.  I have high standards and I am not going to pay twenty or so dollars to see a piece of shite.  I like action and comedy.  I am not a fan of sci-fi.

I like going out.  I like meeting randoms.  I like exploring new places.  I like meeting new people.  I have various groups of friends and like to catch up with them all but they generally don't intermingle.   Therefore, there are some people that I only see over a cuppa.  Others I visit in their home or mine for a meal.  Others are dancing buddies.  Some are happy to meet in a pub and drink and chat.  I like to do all of these things.

Furthermore, I don't want to live in someone's pocket.  I need time alone.  I also need to be able to spend time by myself with people.  Not because I need to talk about things in secret but because I need to be able to dedicate time to special people in my life.  I need someone that understands and can cope with all of that. Ideally, that someone would have their own stuff too.  I think it is important to spend time together but to balance that with time apart.

I am not much of a talker, especially about things that matter to me.  I often regret the things that I say because I cannot adequately express myself when put on the spot.  That's why I write.  It gives me the space to gather my thoughts.  Sometimes talking about things is the only option and I respect that but I am not good with conflict and tend to get muddled and overwhelmed. I think that stems from years of relinquished control and it is something I am working on.  I need someone that understands that, is patient with that and persists through that.

I will never again settle for less than this.  I have compromised too much of my life already.  Anyone that comes into my life is going to have to be one tough son of a bitch.  Not only to be able to deal with me (because apparently despite my self-assessment I am high maintenance) but also to be of a high enough standard to not just meet the bar but sail straight over it.