The end

I'm well fucked. I have more issues than Cleo. I'm insecure and jealous. I'm sensitive and easily misunderstood. Because of the way I am I have ruined something very special to me and pushed away someone I adore.

No more. I'm done.

Eternal disappointment

My life is one big fuck up followed by another. My heart aches, my head is pounding and it hurts to breathe.

I am so very sick of myself. I have worked very hard on so many facets of my life and I just keep hitting brick walls. I am a pretty sorry state for a human to be in. Hanging on a thread. Always alone. Unloved. Unwanted. And yet still trying. For what end? Disappointment? Rejection? Heart ache?

Musical Frinspiration

Do what makes you happy

Memory

Love thyself

I am focusing on self love. Yes, again. I keep losing sight of it. Because it does not come naturally and I'm a pretty conciliatory person I tend to put the needs of others ahead of my own. I am trying to find the right balance to ensure that I car for myself and have leftovers to love those around me that deserve it.

So, this morning I had iron cereal with banana and blueberry yoghurt served with pineapple juice in a wine glass. Because I am that classy.

Not average

I realise that I am not easy to be around. I am easily upset (but, as one of my writer friends says "if you wanted me to write nicely about you, you should have behaved in a manner that was deserving of such"). I know that my dietary requirements are a pain in the arse. I appreciate that I am overly fussy (though I don't believe I impose this on anyone. I am always more than willing to accommodate to meet the needs of other people). I know that I can be moody and I turn on a dime.  I get frustrated easily and tend to clam up when people hurt me (which seems to be fairly frequently). 

I'm also feisty. I have my own opinions and I'm not afraid to voice them. I won't be told what to do, wear or say. I stand up for what I believe in. I can be exceptionally strong if I have to be. If someone rejects me I will hide my pain so well they will never have any idea that they're affecting me so deeply. I am in no way normal. I don't want to be either. 

Can't bring me down

Chivalry

Following on from my earlier post about the qualities of a gentleman, I am embarking on a process of becoming more lady-like. No more swearing (well, less at least). No more drunken nights. No short skirts or shorts when I go out.

I shall attempt to be refined and gracious. I shall maintain good posture and use my manners. I shall study again. I will behave more evenly and try not to let my emotions take over.

Give the girl room to bloom

I went for a walk at lunch time. I had been in a gloomy mood all day. My morning started badly and the day just continued to go to shit. I was on the verge of losing it. I could see that if I didn't take steps to pull myself out of the doldrums I was going to do something I would really regret or sink into the pit of despair again. I do not want either.

So, I picked myself up, spoke to my beautiful children then cranked the volume up to eleven and danced, I mean walked, around the block. my current favourite song was playing and I was lost in my own little world. I took myself out of my fucked up headspace and escaped into the music. Rocking away (I am a great dancer in my own head) as I walked down the main street at lunch time I knew I looked like a fool but I did not care. Not one little bit. My sanity is worth more than disapproving looks from people I will never meet.

As I walked along, I saw a guy walking towards me. Careful to move over to the left and give him enough space on the path to pass me I was surprised when he put his arm out and stopped me. Assuming he needed directions or some such, I politely stopped and pulled out one ear piece. He had already started talking so I apologised and asked him what he was saying. He then asked me the most unusual question "Have you ever run motivational speaking sessions?". I was perplexed. I took out the other ear piece and he repeated his question. I told him I had not. He continued saying I looked like a positive person and he was sure that I had value to add to everyone in my life. Having been surrounded by negativity and insults all day I have to admit that the obvious come on was flattering. Who doesn't like being told they're hot?

Although I laughed in his face (yes, I am harsh but in my defence I am continually surprised when people hit on me), he put out his hand and introduced himself. It was in such contrast to my morning I was weak and agreed to meet him for coffee view exchanged numbers and I am well aware that I will never hear from him again but it gave me a confidence boost which is what I needed.

Effort for return

I'm hard work to be around. I like myself less for it. If truth be told, I am too much effort and ain't no one has time for that.

The green eyed monster

I spend a great deal of time trying to work through my issues. One of the niggling character traits I like least about myself is jealousy. I have, in the past, been an extremely jealous person. I know that my jealousy stems from deep-seated  inadequacy which leads to insecurity and me second-guessing my self worth. Fear plays a big part as well; I only get jealous about things I fear I will lose, not only because they are valuable to me but due to a sense of helplessness. When I feel out of control in a situation, I tend to dwell on things more and see patterns of behaviour. My feelings are reinforced easily - an unanswered text (or series thereof), snide remarks of lying and dubious behaviour. The longer this goes on the more sensitive I am to repeat performances and the downward spiral takes hold.

I am mindful of this. I am aware that it is an issue and one I need to work on. But I also trust my gut for I am very rarely wrong.

Plans

Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan. You don't get that job, you have an accident, you fall for someone. Facing challenges and adapting to your changed circumstances is what makes humans so successful.

Our ability to moderate our behaviour means we can squash down anger, suppress rage and reject love. It does not mean that we should. In order to protect ourselves from uncomfortable emotions we walk away rather than try to work through them.

To me that's existing. That's no living. Living is falling in love, getting angry, laughing wholeheartedly and having real, honest relationships. There will be smiles. There will be tears. But I think that's better than plodding through the drudgery of life.

Nut job

I watched The Nut Job with the kids on the weekend. There's a quote at the end
"Life's for sharing. Once you realise that you might find there's a little hero in all of us. After all, we're all a little nuts".

Smart squirrel.

Fashion versus style

I love clothes. And shoes. And jewels. And scarves. I like the way I feel when I get dressed up. Naturally, there are times when I slap on a pair of jeans and a tee but I like being dressed well so I tend to put a little effort into my appearance if I am exiting the house. 

After having had so many restrictions on my wardrobe for such a long time I went a little off kilter a couple of years ago. I am settling in to my style now. I am comfortable in what I wear and how I wear it. As such, I care not a bit when the guys at work give me crap about my attire. I truly like my clothes and, as such, their insults are like water off a duck's back. 

I have been thinking a great deal recently about how I have themes within my wardrobe. Naturally my work wardrobe contains attire suitable for the workplace and most items I would never choose to wear outside of the office. I still try to look good even though I am just sitting at my desk ninety percent of the day. 

I am no fashionista. I would never be able to blindly follow trends (e.g. Leggings are not outerwear). I pick and choose clothes based on what I like. I am not loyal to a specific brand or franchise. I am selective in what I spend my hard earned on and very rarely buy anything full price. I have the luxury of time so I only buy things when they are on sale. 

I'm so fussy that many of the things I would like in my wardrobe are not in stores. So, I keep a list of what I want and remove items from the list as I find them. For example, I had a yellow dress on my list for six years before I found one of the right shade and style. 

I am fussy and I will not apologise for it. Like all the important things in life, I would rather go without than have something substandard. 

I have started to step out of my comfort zone a little with clothing. Buying items I would have previously shied away from for fear of looking like a dick because I am not getting any younger and I don't want to have any more regrets than I already do. So, I own daisy dukes and skinny jeans. I have white jeans and daring red heels. I am happy that I am building in confidence to be able to wear what I want to. I feel liberated. I feel free. 

I know that my clothes are an outward expression of what's going on inside. If I have a couple of days in a row where I put little effort into my appearance I know that something is amiss and I need to turn to inward reflection to sort that shit out. Like sancing, it is one of my litmus tests that I use to determine my background level of happiness. 

Chance

Chance favours a prepared mind - Louis Pasteur.

I know what I want. If it ever comes around again I will be able to recognise it.

Uncertainty

I've written of this before. I can cope with most things pretty well. Give me a problem and I'm all over it trying to solve it. But, presented with uncertainty I am a mess. I stress so much my digestive system goes into turmoil. My throat feels constricted and I am nauseated. My heart rate is irratic and I get serious abdominal pain. I shake and sweat uncontrollably. My mind races even faster than usual and I cannot seem to slow it down. Situations like this are exacerbated when I cannot exercise the nervous energy away. Running full pelt is the only remedy when I am this distressed.

Risk versus reward

Sometimes, in order to get to a better place, you have to take a risk. Whether it be a new job, a relationship or a lifestyle choice. Change is rarely easy but sometimes the reward for effort is surprisingly worthwhile. Sometimes, stepping out of your comfort zone can lead to wonderful things.

Fear is a terrible thing that so often holds us back from achieving greatness. There are times when you need to put your brave face on and take a leap. Even if you're scared shitless.

Dating a mum

My childhood dreams were shattered when my marriage failed. I had visions that I would grow old with the man I married; hold hands as we hobbled in old age. 'Twas not to be. I still carry a lot of (unwarranted) guilt about that. I know in my heart of hearts that I gave it my best shot. I threw everything I had at it and I failed.

Now I'm stuck. I have two gorgeous children who I adore but there are so few men interested in 'damaged' goods. I have been discarded on the waste heap but I still pine for a mutally respectful, loving relationship with a guy. I'm trapped and there's not a thing I can do to change my predicament.

I know that friends with kids that have hooked up with brilliant guys post divorce. But they're all both confident and demanding. They appear to put a lot if pressure on men to commit. They make demands and, because they believe they are worth it, somehow they get the guy.

Not me. I cannot demand things from others. I need for someone to choose me; make the conscious decision that I am someone they want to spend time with, regardless of the fact that I come as a package deal. Like my caveat that my vagina comes with my heart; my heart comes with my children.

I know that I had no other choice but to leave my marriage. I'd worked tirelessly without reciprocation for five years. I guess I just didn't think that it would mean I would be alone forever. I crave the ability to share my life with a truly special man. Like my psychologist says, I'm the kind of person that needs a significant other. Despite my experiences, I am so full of love and I want to shower a gorgeous, funny, sexy man in it. I love love. I love wholeheartedly. I am loyal. I am generous and I am exceptionally tolerant. I am supportive, compassionate and dedicated. I know, in the darkened recesses, that I am not like most women. I like to make my man feel like they are the only thing alive in the world.

I understand the reservations men have about entering a relationship with a woman who has children. I can see how they'd think they'd have to parent someone else's kids and that there's a real biological propensity against that. I can understand that it might lead to awkward conversations, especially in more traditional families. I understand the sense of responsibility. I can see why they'd look at that and go "just too hard". I understand that children bring with them obligations that single chicks just don't have.

I know this so well that I have often used my children as a means of getting rid of scum at nightclubs. "What are you up to tomorrow?" he says. "Picking up my children from their Dad's". Their whole demeanour changes. I can see the fear in their eye and I smile as they run away for I know they are not strong enough to cope with me if the thought of children sends them packing.

I am not easy. I am intense and I can turn on a dime. I am typical high maintenance bitch. Not when men are with me. But when they aren't. I try to stop myself but I just can't. It's the uncertainty that wears me down. And my insatiable fear that I am not worthy.

But I want a man. Not just any man. A special, kind, generous, fun and funny man. A man that makes me laugh so hard I literally cry. A man that makes me think. A man that sparks a fire inside me and makes me want to be a better person. A man that makes inappropriate jokes with me. A man that is not embarrassed by my dietary requirements and goes to great lengths to ensure I don't get sick. A man that kisses my forehead and plays with my hair. A man that, while at the same time giving me crap, plays the music I like because it makes me happy. A man who is dependable and honest; who is not afraid to talk things through without cracking the shits and throwing household objects at me. A man who loves his family. A man who shows pride in his work and his appearance. A man who knows that shoes maketh the outfit. A man who irons his shirt before meeting with me for casual drinks on a Sunday. A man who looks after himself first. A man that answers my calls. A real man. A gentleman.

I want to go to the movies and dine with him. I want to cook for him, play with him, adventure and travel with him. I want to snuggle on the couch. I want to host dinner parties in winter and barbecues in summer. I want to drink and dance. I want lazy Sundays in bed.

My darling children

I have been thinking recently about my hopes for my children. I know their lives are going to be difficult and that the world is not a friendly place a lot of the time. I know that I will be to blame for much of their issues as they grow up but I work hard every day to ensure that I am kind and gentle with my words and actions so as to do as little damage as possible. I will help them work through their issues as best I can and will buy them professional help to undo the crap I have bestowed on them too.

I know that I am unconventional. I know that not everyone agrees on how I parent but I do what I do with an openness and awareness. The decisions I make are well informed and deliberate. I take being a mother very seriously. My children are my priority, my number one concern and they occupy my mind every minute of every hour I am awake.

So, to my darling children,

Life is a cunt. Learn the rules so you can break them without getting caught.  Acquire the skills that will let you play the games to get through as unscathed as possible. I am not good at this. I will introduce you to people that are when the time is right and you are ready.

I hope you have awesome sex. I hope you don't feel guilty about it and that you and your partner can enjoy your body (safely though!). Have as many partners as you want but remember that hearts get easily broken or damaged when sex is concerned. Protect yours and be gentle with the hearts of others. Be respectful of your sexual partners and yourself. Experiment safely.

Have fun. People like being around happiness. Jump, dance, run, play, get messy, jump in puddles, kiss in the rain. Be wild. Enjoy every moment. There is fun to be found all over the place and in some of the most mundane activities. Know the boundaries though, there are times when it is important that you are serious. Funerals are not the place for jokes.

Do what you want. Follow your heart and live your own life. Be independent. Find what matters to you and don't let anyone get between you and those values.

Dress well. Wear good shoes. Invest in quality sunglasses. You are more than what you wear but people judge all the time. Be aware that your fashion choices dictate your personal style.

Be honest. Say what you mean and mean what you say. If you have nothing nice to say, don't say it at all. Issue compliments when you mean them, not out of obligation.

Remember your manners. Politeness is underrated and always appreciated. Reply to invitations. Be on time to appointments. Never be late to a wedding. Wear modest clothing to a funeral; a mini is never appropriate (especially for guys). Say please and thank you (and mean it). Open the door for others. Wait for all meals to be served at a restaurant before starting on your own dish.

Give generously and do so without thought of what you are going to get in return. Be kind and considerate but don't get ripped off in doing so. Give because you want to not because others demand it of you.

Love deeply. Be passionate and spontaneous. Kiss frequently, hug often and never leave in the middle of an argument. Your heart will, no doubt, get broken. I will help you to recover from that. Don't let the risk of heartache prevent you from falling madly in love and giving it everything you have.

Read. You cannot be expected to know it all. Rely on those that have been there before to help you out. Don't believe everything you read though. Take what you know and apply it in every situation. Research but don't let books get in the way of you experiencing real life.

Know that I will always be on your side. Regardless of what you do I will stick by you. I will support and encourage you but I will expect you to take responsibility for your actions.

I love you both, Mum

The power of love

"If a person has never encountered love toward himself or herself from any quarter, it is a very sad thing. But if that person can meet even one person who will show unconditional love - simple acceptance and compassion - if he knows that he's an object of someone else's affection and love it is bound to have an impact and this will be appreciated. Because there is a seed in himself, this act of love will start to catalyse or ripen that seed" - Dalai Lama

Heartache

Sometimes, no matter how much you want it, things just don't work out.

Lost motivation

There are so many days where I just cannot be bothered doing the things that used to really matter to me. I don't cook, my house is not spotless, I no longer go dancing, I eat crap and I am fucking miserable.

Hole in my soul

There is a hole in my soul and I can't fill it

Honesty is sometimes not the best policy

I am an honest person. I don't believe in misleading people. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I rarely withhold information. I am pretty transparent in terms of my emotions and people generally know when I am upset or pissed off. Wearing your heart on your sleeve is a risky game. If you win, no doubt you win big. When you lose, the pain is unbearable.

Still, I persist.

It's the little things

Some days it is the littlest things that get you through. Like the little old man at the pub at lunch today who told me as I went to collect my toasted sammich that I was the prettiest thing he'd seen today.

Trendsetting

I'm ahead of the game. By miles. Dance walking is a thing

Hurdles

I've hit yet another hurdle. I keep tripping myself up. Just as I think I have my shit together I find I am flat on my face again.

Time to pick myself up, dust myself off and soldier on. This morning I keep returning to the same phrase "what is the point"? I am seeking the unattainable and it will only lead to disappointment.