Dating a mum

My childhood dreams were shattered when my marriage failed. I had visions that I would grow old with the man I married; hold hands as we hobbled in old age. 'Twas not to be. I still carry a lot of (unwarranted) guilt about that. I know in my heart of hearts that I gave it my best shot. I threw everything I had at it and I failed.

Now I'm stuck. I have two gorgeous children who I adore but there are so few men interested in 'damaged' goods. I have been discarded on the waste heap but I still pine for a mutally respectful, loving relationship with a guy. I'm trapped and there's not a thing I can do to change my predicament.

I know that friends with kids that have hooked up with brilliant guys post divorce. But they're all both confident and demanding. They appear to put a lot if pressure on men to commit. They make demands and, because they believe they are worth it, somehow they get the guy.

Not me. I cannot demand things from others. I need for someone to choose me; make the conscious decision that I am someone they want to spend time with, regardless of the fact that I come as a package deal. Like my caveat that my vagina comes with my heart; my heart comes with my children.

I know that I had no other choice but to leave my marriage. I'd worked tirelessly without reciprocation for five years. I guess I just didn't think that it would mean I would be alone forever. I crave the ability to share my life with a truly special man. Like my psychologist says, I'm the kind of person that needs a significant other. Despite my experiences, I am so full of love and I want to shower a gorgeous, funny, sexy man in it. I love love. I love wholeheartedly. I am loyal. I am generous and I am exceptionally tolerant. I am supportive, compassionate and dedicated. I know, in the darkened recesses, that I am not like most women. I like to make my man feel like they are the only thing alive in the world.

I understand the reservations men have about entering a relationship with a woman who has children. I can see how they'd think they'd have to parent someone else's kids and that there's a real biological propensity against that. I can understand that it might lead to awkward conversations, especially in more traditional families. I understand the sense of responsibility. I can see why they'd look at that and go "just too hard". I understand that children bring with them obligations that single chicks just don't have.

I know this so well that I have often used my children as a means of getting rid of scum at nightclubs. "What are you up to tomorrow?" he says. "Picking up my children from their Dad's". Their whole demeanour changes. I can see the fear in their eye and I smile as they run away for I know they are not strong enough to cope with me if the thought of children sends them packing.

I am not easy. I am intense and I can turn on a dime. I am typical high maintenance bitch. Not when men are with me. But when they aren't. I try to stop myself but I just can't. It's the uncertainty that wears me down. And my insatiable fear that I am not worthy.

But I want a man. Not just any man. A special, kind, generous, fun and funny man. A man that makes me laugh so hard I literally cry. A man that makes me think. A man that sparks a fire inside me and makes me want to be a better person. A man that makes inappropriate jokes with me. A man that is not embarrassed by my dietary requirements and goes to great lengths to ensure I don't get sick. A man that kisses my forehead and plays with my hair. A man that, while at the same time giving me crap, plays the music I like because it makes me happy. A man who is dependable and honest; who is not afraid to talk things through without cracking the shits and throwing household objects at me. A man who loves his family. A man who shows pride in his work and his appearance. A man who knows that shoes maketh the outfit. A man who irons his shirt before meeting with me for casual drinks on a Sunday. A man who looks after himself first. A man that answers my calls. A real man. A gentleman.

I want to go to the movies and dine with him. I want to cook for him, play with him, adventure and travel with him. I want to snuggle on the couch. I want to host dinner parties in winter and barbecues in summer. I want to drink and dance. I want lazy Sundays in bed.