In pursuit of a hot bod

tIt's no secret that my weight has ballooned since falling in love. Not something I am happy about (the weight, not the love!), it is something I have been working really hard at addressing for nearly a year. I have tried to respect my fiances wishes and not skip meals to achieve the desired look. It's not working!

I've read stories from all sorts of fitness models along the lines of "I eat more than I ever have and I am still losing weight" and I want to laugh in their face.

I also want to scream - WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?! I train hard. I lift heavy. I drink plenty of water. I (mostly) steer clear of sugar. I don't eat refined carbs.

I have spent a fortune over the last few years on various training programs from personal trainers, I have had a nutritionist devised diet (which resulted in another 3kg of chub rather than a loss of anything).

About five weeks ago I purchased Zoe Daly's fitness program and nutrition guide. A goddess of the fitness world (and an Aussie to boot), Zoe is the first person that has been simultaneously motivating while understanding that I have the most ridiculous diet. Allergic to onion and garlic and vegetarian, I am also fussy (I don't eat eggplant, capsicum, celery, beans, tofu.... the list goes on). As one friend has been known to tout - it is easier to list the things I DO eat, than the list of things I don't as that list is too long.

However, Zoe has patiently worked with me to get devise a diet that is actually really delicious. As a person who's always hungry (or thinking about food), this diet is fantastic!

I was daunted at the prospect of fortnightly photos but they have proven a valuable tool in shaping the program to get to my desired form. Sculpting the body is hard work. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying or selling something.

As an emotional eater, I really have to be conscious about work stress interfering with my diet plan. Being organised and having my meals prepared the night before (and the astronomical cost associated with eating clean) helps me stick to it. While I am human and I have had a few small deviations, this is the first time that I have been able to get through week on week without cracking the shits and eating a peanut butter wholemeal roll. I can honestly say I have not had to cheat on the diet at all which is always my biggest battle.

The training program is grueling but achievable. My everything hurts. All the time. I have spent a fortune on massages to ease muscle soreness lately! While I love massages, this whole thing is costing me a fortune. However, it seems that whenever I am waning, a picture of @zozofit will appear on my Instagram feed and spur me on to channel my inner Dory and "just keep swimming".

While I have always been active, and I have been lifting weights for over fifteen years (and picked up some pretty intense regimes over the years), this is the first that I have been able to get through the actual training session without too much drama (the last few reps of each set is a challenge) but I feel it in my body the next day. DOMS are my new best friend! I can honestly say that I love that sore muscle feeling. I liken it to a wobbly tooth - where it hurts to wiggle it but it still feels so good.

I am yet to see the results personally but Zoe assures me she can see that my body is stronger and my fiance's behaviour changes recently would suggest he can too (a major motivating factor for me; as the last thing I want is for him to be engaged to someone he does not find sexually attractive). The real benefit is how I feel. Sure, I am tired, but my skin is clear and I feel calmer. I am lifting heavier each week which shows me that what I am doing is working. Because of my commitment to the program, I am working less hours and exercising more. I can't justify missing a gym session (there's no room to make up a session within a week and skipping it is not an option because I really want this to work) so I make time to fit them in around work. For the first time in three years I am going to head out at lunch time to attend a Barre session - something I have been meaning to do since they were introduced at the gym over a year ago. My sincere and heartfelt thanks to Ms Daly for bringing some perspective to my ludicrously hectic, work filled life.

To anyone out there contemplating making a change to their fitness regime, I implore you to go for it!

Weekly motivation - week 34

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself

Your actions and the decisions you make every day combine together to make you who you are. Are you making wise decisions? Are your actions in keeping with your values? Do you live the life you want to?

If not, what can you do about making small, consistent changes to ensure that you create the person you want to be? What can you do to be more patient/compassionate/whatever it is that you want to be? 

Who are your role models? How can they inspire you to create a person you are proud of?

Hot chocolate and a little lie down

Lying down in an A380 is actually quote comfortable. I have four seats to myself this week on my way back from Auckland and it is blissful. It's always the little things. 

Like today, when I was called into a meeting just as the coffee can was due to arrive at the office and a colleague bought my Friday treat day hot chocolate. It honestly made my day! Such a small gesture but so good for the soul. 

New York New York

On my way to NYC, on a plane at an altitude of 11,885m a mere 1,149km while my sister happily snoozed next to me; while watching city after city pass by underneath the plane I was so so excited. Not normal excited; crazy, stupid, kid-at-Christmas time excited. 

As someone who struggles to sleep, heading to the city that never sleeps - was potential disaster!  I couldn't. Fucking. Wait!!

From the very first glimpse, I was not disappointed. The black rectangle of Central Park amid the neat grid of the most organised city I have ever been to made my heart race. With the Hudson to the left and East River on the right, the Big Apple was a sight to see. I was amazed that you could even make out Harlem River from the air. I was bouncing in my seat like a toddler who had been told they were getting a lollipop. I gawked out of the plane window (ignoring the motion sickness) and I am sure my eyes were popping out of my head. They were like that for most of the trip!

When I was fourteen when I read Dickens' account of his first trip to America when he and his wife spent a month in New York; I was hooked. A dream was born that would take over twenty-five years to come to fruition. Planning was required. A four year saving schedule was set. Six months out flights and accommodation were booked. Slowly but surely throughout the start of 2016, I started scheduling in all the essentials - Broadway show (The Phantom), high tea at the Plaza, the sun and stars tour at Rockefeller, a fourth of July boat cruise and the ever impressive Lady Liberty crown tour. I planned to the nth degree so as to ensure time to take in all the must-see sights - Grand Central Station, Magnolia Bakery, the High Line, Central Park, Times Square and the September 11 memorial plus a trek to the heart of Brooklyn for one of their world famous rainbow bagels complete with funfetti with an obligatory walk across Brooklyn Bridge on the way back.

The bonus was a short stay in San Fran where Golden Gate (complete with a foggy walk along Baker Beach) and Alcatraz were ticket off the bucket list with side trips to Lombard Street, the painted ladies, Pier 39 and Coit Tower; a sundae frm Ghirardelli's, breakfast at Mamas plus a trip on the infamous Powell-Hyde tramcar.

Naked stretching

Let's put it all out on the table. Naked stretching is not something I would ordinarily do. But I found myself with a horrid migraine (probably one of the worst in my life) in a hotel. Alone. Under no other circumstances would I even consider such a pursuit. Sure, I know that naked yoga is a thing. A thing people love, apparently. But it is not for me.

I did learn some interesting things about my body in my pursuit for pain relief

• I'm not as fat as I think I am. Sure, my yummy is a little podgy and my thighs and arse have some chunk to them but I'm doing okay
• I am not as flexible as I was a year ago. Too much work is not a good thing! 
• I am never going to have a perfect body, and that's okay. My body has borne two beautiful children and that's good enough for me
• I have more stretch marks than I realised - one of the risks of not looking at your own body is that you don't know your body
• Being tired all the time is not good for you. My skin tone is morphing and it is not pretty

Weekly motivation - week 33

Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change - Jim Rohn

What do you need to change in order to make your life better? If you are brutally honest with yourself, where are you failing? What are you doing (or not doing) that will make each and every day of your life a happy and healthy one?

I'm so lucky I have

• Energetic, intelligent and kind children
• A supportive and loving sister
• Good health, an active mind and creativity
• A sweet, strong, sexy boyfriend 
• A warm, safe and secure home
• A job
• Great friends 

Gratitude makes for a great attitude. I am starting this week on a light and happy note in the hope of carrying it forward throughout the week

Sweating out the bad stuff

Today I experienced my first infrared sauna. Even sitting in a 65 degree wooden box, it took my stupidly cold body a good half an hour to heat up. After thirty five minutes I began to bead sweat on my cheeks. Not disgusting swear like I do when at Zumba but little droplets of poison-soaked water oozing from my face. Nowhere else. Just the ridges of my cheeks.

Sitting cross legged atop a towel on the little wooden bench I let my mind escape from the reality of work and kids and fiancé and family. I allowed myself time to reflect on me. A selfish indulgence not permitted frequently enough in my hectic life, I delved into my heart and soul. Searching the darkest depths of my psyche. I found some demons I thought I had fought and conquered long ago were still lingering. Following on from a deep and confronting conversation with my cousin recently that super heated little wooden box gave me the opportunity to explore feelings that had been dredged up to the surface.

As my body warmed up from the inside I let my heart open. I released more than sweat. I let go of expectation and welcomed honesty. As I watched the blood vessels in my feet swell to the surface knowing that my circulation was getting a healthy (and much needed) boost, I breathed deeply and let the warm dry air fill my lungs. Although Melbourne is expecting twenty one degrees today the warmth was a welcome change from the cold o have felt for the last few months. I took note of the changes I could feel my body going through with the high temperature. Though my heart was beating faster, I felt peace sweeping through my body. Pure relaxation. Not what most people would expect in a super heated environment, I found it soothing. It was like a warm hug for my insides.

As beads of sweat developed under my arms and between my boobs I felt at home. Warm and safe with music from the adjoining gym room filtered through the walls and the bass reverberating the walls of the sauna I was totally chilled.

Having never been in a sauna, I expected it to be uncomfortable. I thought it would be hard to breathe. I imagined dripping in sweat and feeling like some kind of slime monster but this is actually blissful. I am in a form of heaven. I'm a tropical bird at heart and it feels like I am in my natural environment.

I will definitely be doing this again!

One reader

I watched 5 to 7 and there was a part that resonated so strongly for me - "No matter how much you want to write when you are happy; you have to write when you are miserable".  In my experience, the passion has to go somewhere and writing is the only place for it. I also believe that suffering has to be good for something. The pain I went through for many years (and some of which I still carry) has brought me to a place in my life where I know who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my likes and dislikes. I know and live my values.

I would love to write that story one day. The journey into, through and out of darkness.

As Brian says in 5 to 7, "Your greatest story, whatever it might be, is written for one reader". I truly believe that.

Times they are a changing

I'm feeling lost at the moment. Unfulfilled. Undernourished in the soulful sense of the word. 

I feel like my relationships have degraded. I'm not healthy. I'm stressed and tired all the time. I'm borderline anxious; I can feel rising pressure in my chest every Sunday night as I anticipate another week of torture at work. 

One contributing factor is travel. I love to travel. I love exploring the world - my ultimate job would be to travel the world taking photos and writing of my experiences. But travel for work is a different beast altogether. Travel for work involves early flights, long hours in a strange office, crappy meals (often at odd hours), lack of routine and disconnection. Travel for work puts you at the mercy of the organisation. Seen as a perk, managers expect you to be grateful for the opportunity. Rather than show appreciation, senior company officials are more likely to expect gratitude for giving you the "opportunity" to travel. Like you look forward to being away from home and the people you love. Like its an honour and privilege to spend no more than two consecutive nights in your own bed. 

Sure, occasional travel for work IS good. I don't doubt or rebuke that for a second. But weekly travel to the same destination week in week out for months is nothing but exhausting. It's not glamorous to come home at ten on a Friday night, spend your weekend washing clothes to repack into your suitcase and leave again at three on a Monday morning. Without enough time to unwind the coil gets spun tighter and tighter. 

Things that ordinarily wouldn't be an issue become serious. Fights. Tension. Lack of communication. It all takes its toll. 

And when the benefit goes to the company, no one is a winner. Except maybe the CEO who's on a bonus scheme. 

Personally it's the definition of madness. Giving your entire week (not the standard 9-5) to work is unhealthy at best; psychopathic at worst. 

Eventually something snaps. Usually it's relationships and generally that with your significant other. 

Sadly I can see that railroad and the crash is coming. 

Being tied to a job is hard at the best of times. Having to work to pay the bills and support children is part of being an adult and I accept that responsibility. But when your job morphs into something different to what you signed up for without any movement to compensate you for that change then something is going to break. Either it's home life or work life. The choice is yours. Well, the choice is currently mine, actually. 

I have tried to make my situation work. I have laboured for months with late nights and early mornings to do the job well. I take great pride in my work. I am diligent, loyal, punctual and dedicated. I'm determined and thoroughly committed to the work that I do. I insist on doing things well. I'm proud of the work that I do and the standards I uphold. I produce quality work, I meet deadlines and I take responsibility for my downfalls (no one is infallible). I'm the closest to a model employee as I have ever seen (this is hard to admit as I am also excessively critical of myself). 

But when work starts to jeopardise the things that matter most to me; I will not choose work. I will not let a job ruin my relationship. I choose my children, my partner, my family and my friends.  Every day. 

While I am loyal I am not stupid. I'm a smart, honest and pragmatic person. Sure, most of the time I follow my heart but I am blessed with a level head that I can rely on in times like these. 

Times like these call for action. This situation could go one of two ways. I'm honestly not fussed which path is opened up to me but I am no longer staying on the one I have been trudging along. 

Imaginings

I saw a psychologist when I was going through separation. He set me a task and it took me literally eight months of daily deliberation to be able to answer it. A seemingly simple question, he asked "what do you want your life to look like in three years?".

Having completely lost myself in the decade prior to that question, I found it so incredibly hard to answer. Hell, it took me weeks to choose mugs for my house because I honestly did not know what I liked. I had to learn, or re-learn (I'm still not sure which), everything about myself. From what foods I liked, to how I wanted to dress and how I spent my time. That period of self discovery was painful, challenging and confronting in its rawness.

It was only when I pulled myself out of my life and took myself off to Thailand and ran for three hours over a mountain that I was able to answer that question. And the response came flooding. I sat on the beach, drenched in sweat and my vision poured from me without hesitation.

I could see the house I wanted to live in, the colour of the picket fence, the depth of the deck, the shape of the pillars on the verandah. I could describe the man I wanted to share my life with. I could imagine the relationships in my life - my children, my sister and her kids, my mum and dad, my cousins and aunts and uncles and my nearest and dearest friends. I could see my office where I would write. I visualised the life I wanted - active, healthy and happily balanced.

That exercise which haunted me for months was my turning point. As soon as I had a clear idea of what I truly wanted, my life started to transform. I had a destination. I knew where I wanted to get to and it was easy to carve a path towards that. Nearly two years have gone past since that day and, while I don't have the house of my dreams and I am still working for the man, I am pretty damn close to where I want to be. And I am proud of that.

Peace come at me

Sleep is not my friend at the moment. We've had another falling out and my nights are now filled with nightmares. One  after another, my slumber is interjected with sweat, tears and waking multiple times in panic. 

I'm frantic during the day and restless at night. My heart must be under so much pressure. I'm always on the verge of tears with the slightest thing easily upsetting me. Even though I am reading Ariana Huffington's "The Sleep Revolution"; I'm not getting closer to fitful slumber. 

I once again find myself on board a plane for another early flight. Another disruption to the flow of daily life. Diet, sleep, exercise and rest are all out of whack. I feel like I'm running from pillar to post. I'm always tired, always wired and it's a perfect storm for emotional breakdown. 

Olympic beauty

Today I watched the world's fastest man, Usain Bolt, run the hundred meters in the Rio Olympics. Sure, I was at work and it was on the screen in the kitchen but the electricity that charged through my body when that man strode out in the last twenty meters was amazing. Goosebumps! Over in 10.07 seconds he's a sight to behold.

At twenty nine he's probably considered a little over the hill for athletics but the man is an entertainer without being a show off. The way he hushed the crowd before the race demonstrated to me that despite his prowess he still needs to concentrate on the task at hand (a brief insight to his human side). He knows he's good, no one doubts his claim to fame, and he is rightfully proud of his achievements. But, he's not gloating; he is genuinely happy and it is a delight to see.

I am in awe of the man. Congratulations to you Mr Bolt (if ever there were a more apt name, I don't know it)! Thank you for gracing my eyes with your perfect stride and impressive form and for coupling it with a great attitude - you are a pleasure to watch and epitomise why I love to watch the Olympics even though I shun from all other sport at all other times.

Weekly motivation - week 32

If you wait for the perfect conditions you will never get anything done. What can you do today to work towards your goals? What can you achieve this week that will make you feel better about yourself? What are you going to do this month that brings you closer to happiness?

Eat the elephant one bite at a time - sometimes progress can only be made slowly. There are so many things going on in adult life that it's easy to get carried away in them. Consistency is key. Therefore, dedicate time on a daily or weekly basis to the pursuit of your goals. Plan it. Schedule it. Put a reminder in you me calendar or on your phone to ensure you don't forget. Do whatever it takes to make sure that you find time for your goals for that's what turns them from dreams to reality. Slow, consistent attention. 

Make time daily to get to where you want to be. If you have to, reduce to weekly. But make your goals your priority. No one else will.

Weekly motivation - week 31

The only way you can do great work is to love what you do - Steve Jobs

Weekly motivation - week 30

You are only confined by the walls you build yourself. We are all prone to self-sabotage from time to time. What do you do to stand in the way of yourself? How can you step aside to move forward? What habits can you change to reduce the frequency of this happening in the future?

Weekly motivation - week 29

Dream big. Then work hard to make your dreams a reality

They say that if your dreams don't scare you, they aren't big enough. So, what are your deepest dreams for a full life? What are the things you want to achieve? What can you do now to work towards those goals? What steps can you take to h achieve your dreams? Chunk it down. Make the steps to your dream achievable. With a plan, dreams do come true!