Nostalgia

Our lives are changed by events and by the interactions we have with others. We can spend endless hours with someone without incident but a single conversation with someone can totally turn your world upside down. 

Our formative years are responsible for defining who we are at our core. The influence our parents and significant others (aunts, uncles, siblings and grandparents) have on us in the first six years of life forms the basis on which our morals, values and ideals rest. Changing those core structures instilled in us is a challenging task to say the least.

There are people that float into and out of our lives with little effect. There are others that leave lasting impressions.

First love is one. You never forget the person you first fell in love with. I was blessed. My first love was energetic, honest and innocent. My parents tried to convince me that, at seventeen, I was too young to be in love but they were wrong. The first man I loved was really just a boy but my love for him was real. As I get older, I realise how lucky I was to have such a great experience with my first love. While he left me because I would not give up my virginity, he did so without being an arse about it. Don't get me wrong, he still broke my heart but I can honestly say that that boy, at seventeen, had more integrity than most men in their forties do. He is the man that I have turned back to in my deepest darkest moments as proof that I am lovable. While I have not been in contact with him for a very long time, the way he loved me all those decades ago is one of the things that pulled me through the darkness post divorce. While my ex was telling me that I was fundamentally flawed, I returned to the time when my first love took me to a cave at a beach where, the summer before, he hard painstakingly carved my name in stone. The thought that it is still there twenty years later as a testament to the way he felt about me gave me strength. He's probably never thought of it since but it is one of the small things he did that has stuck with me throughout my life. It is etched in my mind as a turning point. He melted my heart that day and forever burned his mark on my expectations for how I want to be treated by my partner. That small romantic gesture of a teen was pivotal in my resolve to demand better.

That man, spiderman as my uncle nicknamed him due to his teenage lankiness, wrote me love letters on a daily basis. I saw none of the tough exterior that he displayed to others in our circle of friends. With me, he was tender and thoughtful. We wrote in code, so his friends couldn't interpret our messages on the school bus in the morning. But he wasn't shy - he'd often lean out the bus window as he drove past my Catholic girls' school and yell "I love you Mans". My heart would skip a beat as I smiled back at him, too timid to profess my love in return. That didn't deter him and it made my day, every day!

We'd spend hours on the phone at night and all the time we could around our sporting obligations on weekends. He came away with me and my family and I was welcomed into his with dinners on Friday night after school and trips to his family caravan. I adored his mother who sadly died too young and played heartily with his little sister. We were not like most of our peers - immersed only in bedroom activities. Our love was deeper based on true connection and shared interests. He played basketball and Dad would take me to his games on a Thursday night. I played netball and he'd occasionally catch the bus down on a Saturday so he could spend time with me after the game when I wasn't working. We played pool with his brother for hours listening to heavy metal (which my mother hated and was convinced I was depressed).

I have not thought about spiderman since I started dating my boyfriend but there was something that happened on the flight home from a weekend away with my man, I cannot recall what it was exactly, that brought him back into my mind. While I flew, I reflected on how lucky I was to have shared a slice of my life with him and how grateful I am that he set such a stellar example for me to return to. I have, once again, found a man that treats me like I want to be treated.

Self sabotage

I can't sleep. I've taken my man to Brisbane for the weekend so he can spend time with his bestie. 

I'm lying next to a little snore monster and assessing why I'm not seeing the gains I want with my fitness and diet regime. The truth stings. I am my enemy here. I am the one that sneaks a lolly in the afternoon at work. I'm the one drinking milk when I know it makes me bloated. I'm the one who is struggling to sleep through the night. 

I am responsible for sabotaging my efforts in the gym. Me. No one else. 

I need to step up. I have made the commitment to myself but I'm not sticking to it. I'm cheating on myself with dairy. Not cool me. Time for action. Time to stick to the diet. Just do it!!

Anaphylaxis hits again

Last night I had another bout of exercise-induced anaphylaxis. I followed the same routine I follow every Monday night after work - dinner, a couple of loads of washing then zumba. Only, in the last few years I have had three instances of anaphylactic reaction at Zumba on a Monday night.

Now, I do Zumba twice a week every week so, when the doctor in emergency said I should stop exercising, I nearly exercised my hands around her throat. I can't even begin to imagine WHY a doctor would say such a thing. She must see so many overweight and unfit people come through the doors with various ailments that could be been prevented or minimised with healthy eating and an active lifestyle. To hear a medical professional respond in such a way makes me want to go back to uni to study med so I can throw my proverbial weight around and affect some change!

I have done all the right things. I spent nearly $500 getting a swathe of allergy tests done to try to ascertain the cause of the allergic reaction. The thing is, I am not allergic to whatever it is when I am not exercising. I have a pretty restricted diet anyway and everything I ate last night I have eaten on multiple occasions in the past without effect.

So, the quandary remains.  I could stress about it or I could lead my life as I am - finding joy in the beauty of dance and marvel at the therapeutic benefits it provides me. For today, however, I went to work, picked up my laptop and returned to the sanctuary of my home. I set up came in the warmth of a beautiful spring day and took it easy (something that, for those of you readers who know me, I am not very good at doing) but when your heart is racing at over a hundred beats per minute and your blood pressure (as at 0330) was 97/59, you don't have a lot of choice in the matter. You are forced to take it easy.

There is a bright side to everything!

And, no, I will not be taking the doctor's sage advice and stopping zumba any time soon!

When you are proud of something - flaunt it

While the media may put it's negative spin on Sofia Vergara sharing her recent nuptials to Joe whoeverheis (okay, my curious nature could not let it go and I had to google his name - Joe Manganiello for the initiated), I think it is an innocent way to show the world how proud she is that he is her man.

After reading the news article, I couldn't help but search for Sofia on Instagram and follow the shit out of her. She is one of the most beautiful women on the planet (probably why I have not followed her previously - looking at that every day rouses up some deep insecurities about my lack of feminine appeal) and absolutely shone on her wedding day.

 The joy on her face here is palpable. You can almost hear her Spanish squeal from Melbourne.

And if this photo doesn't scream "love" then it doesn't exist on the planet. They are looking at each other with such tenderness. Yes, I know they are both actors and they get paid squillions to pretend shit all the time so it could be a farce but I like to maintain hope. I like to think that true love is possible

The side effects of waiting

I hate waiting. While I am a reasonably patient person, being a proactive and enthusiastic, I find it hard to understand people who don't jump at their dreams. Especially if they are easily attainable.


I am currently struggling emotionally with the uncertainty that comes from the inaction of others. While I am trying to adjust my ways and not let the actions of others colour the way I feel, I am frustrated by my inability to influence the future.
On two accounts, I feel like I am in limbo and dependent on others to find my way forward.  I hate feeling like this. Individually, I would probably cope but with two concurrent similar situations I start to wonder whether the problem is actually me rather than the other people involved. Am I actually an awful person? Am I no worthy of being treated with respect and love? Am I a play thing that others get joy out of manipulating?


I am struggling to find the logic to support the wait. I just cannot get my head around it.


So as to better understand the way I am feeling at the moment, I recently read a number of papers on the psychology of waiting; many of which were based on the same study, the marshmallow experiment.

While the articles mainly deal with queues for service and delayed gratification, the principles are the same regardless of the wait period involved. 

As a grown woman, my experience has not supported the adage that 'good things come to those who wait'. In fact, I have learned that waiting leads to disappointment. Broken promise after broken promise have made me doubt the world. I have learned that words mean nothing. Now, action is the only thing that matters to me. Don't promise me the world if you have no intention of following through. And if you do make promises, get your skates on and act on them. I have spent many long years waiting for things that were promised to me without the action that goes to support the claims. It was one of the ways my ex kept me hanging. I don't like the way it makes me feel and I refuse to maintain relationships that are based on those behaviours.

We are all a product of our collective experiences. Life teaches us lessons whether we like it or not. As Robin S proclaims, "Heartbreak and promises. I've had more than my share. I’m tired of giving my love and getting nowhere. What I need is somebody who really cares. I really need a lover, a lover who wants to be there... I can’t put my love on the line... Words are so easy to say... you’ve got to show me love ... Don’t you promise me the world, all that I’ve already heard. This time around for me, actions speak louder than words"

Now, I am not so naïve as to think that I can have everything I want straight away. There are constraints in life to getting to where I want to be - money is the biggest. I am actually quite a patient person. Within reason. But an unnecessary wait is, to my mind, by definition, unwarranted.

In an ideal world, people would live up to their promises. They would not play with the emotions of others. Nor would they string them along with false pretences.
I realise that it is my responsibility to ensure that people don't mistreat me. Problem is, I am so used to this type of treatment that I am completely unsure as to how to change the situation.
More research and reflection is required. I will make this my beach time task over the summer break. If actions is not forthcoming beforehand, I will while away the hours pondering how I am going to make forward progress on these two items.

Toltec philosophy

In the pursuit of self mastery, I have discovered the Toltec spirit. The Toltec spirit is said to be in the pursuit of one's personal freedom, love and happiness. The four agreements fundamental to Toltec philosophy are:

• Speak with integrity
• Realise the actions of others are not your responsibility
• Don't assume 
• Do your best

Committing to these four goals means agreeing to put your values first with consideration for others.

Letting go of the actions of others means that you are not dependent on the opinion of others. You are, therefore, free to move on with your own life. You are not imprisoned by the suffering that other people can bring into your life.  Learning that you are not responsible for others but only for your reaction to their actions is empowering and liberating. It brings a sense of freedom that allow you to live authentically, focusing on what's important and allowing time that would have been spent in a state of stress for meaningful activities.

When you stop making assumptions, you start asking more questions. You are more open to the opinions of others. When you stop making assumptions, you are able to show gratitude for what is rather than focusing on what could be.

When you live with integrity, take responsibility for your own actions while not taking on the emotions that can come with what others do to you and stop making assumptions, you are well on your way to being the best that you can be. You are living an authentic life. One where you have nothing to hide. One where you follow your morals with conviction and pride. You live a life where you can accept that what others do is rarely a reflection of who you are. You are able to find happiness in the little things in life - a message of love, the brush of a hand across your back, the warmth of a kiss.

When you live according to the Toltec spirit, it follows that you are free to work hard because emotions are dampened. There is deep contentment in your life - the peaks and troughs even out and you find yourself in balance with the people around you. Drama starts to walk away from you. You don't entertain it so it doesn't bother to hang around. When you work hard you are bound to achieve your best. Creativity will flourish. Life will be rewarding. You will gravitate towards happy, successful and healthy people. You will be drawn to people who hold the same values as you. You will seek out motivated and interesting people that stimulate your mind and nourish your soul. You will reward yourself by eating clean and exercising.

The price of being lean

Fitness models are everywhere these days. Facebook and instagram are covered in images of ripped guys and girls touting their wares. Biceps, shoulders and, the most popular of all - abs.

If you are in a gym or around fitness buffs, you've probably heard the saying "abs are made in the kitchen". Unfortunately, for those of us who are not genetically blessed this saying is true. I have trained since I was sixteen. I started in the aerobics room with my Mum in my teens and have progressed since then. I picked up weight training when I was 18. While I am not hardcore, I do hit the gym for a weights session every work day. I do zumba twice a week and I am about to get back into yoga after a bit of a hiatus.

Problem is, I love food. I might actually be (according to the clinical definition) in love with dairy. Milk, ice cream, yoghurt, cheese - I am not fussy. But abs don't show if you eat like I do. It does not matter how hard you train, if your body fat percentage does not drop to about 15% for women and 12% for men, your abs will be hidden under a layer of blubber. Now, I am not saying that you should aspire to that, it is just the truth.

Unless you are willing to count every calorie and macro-nutrient, lean is not for you. Dedication is required to get to the point where you look like a fitness model. The side effects of being extremely lean (10% body fat for women and 6% for men) are well documented. In my opinion, being that lean is unsustainable (nor attractive). No one wants to hug someone who feels like a steel pole! But I do consider lean muscle healthy and aspire to that for myself.


Like most things in life, it is about balance. I try to eat clean Monday through Friday and relax a little on weekends. For me, that means no dairy during the week apart from some skim milk at breakfast.

My week day menu looks like this
Meal 1 - 1/4 cup oats and a teaspoon of LSA with a little skim milk and half a teaspoon of honey
Meal 2 - 100g blueberries
Meal 3 - 15g raw nuts
Meal 4 - 1/4 cup brown rice, 1/2 an avocado and a 65g boiled egg
Meal 5 - two pieces of pana dark chocolate
Meal 6 - 20g mix of pepitas, sunflower seeds, sesame seeds and chia seeds (in equal portions)
Meal 7 - 100g carrot and cucumber sticks or 100g strawberries or 100g kiwi fruit
Meal 8 - 1/4 cup brown rice and 250g vegetables plus 1 teaspoon of olive oil

Skinny fat

The new buzzword of the fitness industry and a common pitfall of the unwary, skinny fat describes people with high body fat and low musculature. The big component here is that, the lower your body weight and the less muscle you have, the more likely you are to look "skinny fat".

The 10% body fat comparison images in this article demonstrates skinny fat well.'

Muscle mass is generally quite easy for most people to obtain. Lifting weights is very quickly becoming mainstream. There are more and more people hitting the squatting rack (and the male to female ratio is dropping). Hooray I say!

Weight training, and load bearing activities in general, are good for the body and the mind. The strength gains are a real confidence booster. Being physically strong makes facing life's hardships a little easier - the endorphin rush from a good session in the gym is hard to top.

So, avoid the skinny fat this summer. Get thy booty to the gym. If you are new to the game, a couple of sessions with a (good) PT (personal trainer for the uninitiated) is well worth the money spent. Ask the gym for recommendations for a PT that has worked with newbies to ensure you get the right technique. Correct form is everything when it comes to protecting your assets (by this I don't mean your girls or the crown jewels, I mean your back and knees in particular). If you have preexisting injuries and you're returning to the gym after some time off, I would again recommend some time with a trainer to ensure you don't aggravate your injury. Maintaining momentum is hard for some and an injury early in the game when you are returning to the gym floor can thwart progress and kill motivation.

Reward psychology

Reward psychology is one of the biggest obstacles I need to overcome. I have tried really hard to break the habit with my kids - food is not a reward. We are not dogs!

Gem Gem Boobalem

Today is my not-so-little girl's birthday. She's nine. One of the worst things about being divorced is that I don't always get to see my babies on their special occasions - whether it be a birthday or an award or the perfect cartwheel on the lawn.

I find it personally very hard to be separated from them on a daily basis but on days like today - the pain is immense. The desire to hug her and hold her tight is overwhelming. Friday seems like a long, long time away.

So, here's a tribute to the sweetest, most creative, generous, cheeky monkey I know. May your heart stay strong, may you retain your tenacity and may all your wildest dreams come try my gorgeous, intelligent little lady. I am so proud of the lady you are growing up to be and love you with all of my heart.

Insomnia - restoring balance

I had an hour of sleep last night. Sleep has been an issue for me since I was pregnant with my first child. I could not financially afford to take time off before he was born so I worked until the day I was induced (at 41 weeks). I had three months of part time work from home after his birth before I went back to full time hours.


This started a cycle of me caring for him during the day and working at night. When my second child was born life was even more hectic. I could no longer sneak a twenty minute nap during the day when my eldest had a rare day time sleep. I formed a habit of not sleeping. Over 11 years, I got used to living on 1-3 hours of sleep a night.


As I approach the big four-o I can no longer afford to keep that up.


So, I took the liberty to extend my horizons, engage my cerebral cortex and did some research on insomnia. Did you know that the emotional centre of the brain (the amygdala) is 60% more active in people who are sleep deprived?


I know a lot about sleep (in relation to drive fatigue in particular) and have even written a couple of papers on the subject but I have not before delved into the emotional side of lack of sleep. I am officially frightened. Are my emotional outbreaks (to, admittedly, a stressful time in my life), a result of lack of sleep? Is sleep deprivation the reason I am putting on weight despite having engaged a dietician? Is my lack of night time rest the reason I am not getting results from the effort in the gym? Is the conditioning I have been exposed to in the past why I have a shorter temper than I used to?


I feel like a basket case at the moment. My life is generally pretty good. I have two beautiful children, a supportive partner, a great relationship with my sister and some amazing friends. Sure, I have issues with the father of my children and I wish I wasn't powerless to affect change in that area. My children are my first priority and it causes me great pain to know that they are not living to the standard that I would afford them if they were with me - unwashed linen, lack of water for showering and different values around diet means that I feel like I am constantly trying to 'undo' what happens when they are with their Dad. I am trying to re-educate them the basics of hygiene every time they are with me. It is a losing battle but one I am not willing to give up on.


The stressors in my life at the moment are unlikely to go away in the near future. Accepting that, I have always just soldiered on. Life keeps coming at you and you have to move with it. However, following my research I am determined to make some changes to ensure that I get more sleep.
I am going to pick up yoga on a routine basis. I was previously quite dedicated but have lost that discipline over the last year. It is something I need to focus on.


I have also stopped running in the last twelve months. Now that the weather is picking up and there are longer daylight hours, I have more opportunity to bring that back into my life. Running is therapy for me. It gives me the headspace I need to find my way through the myriad of problems that face me on a daily basis and the endorphin rush to be able to cope with the negative emotions that go flying around inside me.


I have not made the time to write over the last year either. I have prioritised other things ahead of the creative pursuit that is writing and denied myself of a healthy and valuable outlet for my over-active brain. I am going to make the time to divulge my thoughts before work in the morning when I need to. I acknowledge that this does not need to be done on a daily basis but if I have the time allocated, I can use it when I need to.


Recently I have had some success with guided meditation so I am keen to do more of that. As stress is a great contributing factor for insomnia, I need to deal with that in a more constructive way.
On reflection in the car on the way to work this morning, I have realised that the balance I worked hard to establish in the three years after my marriage fell apart has been lost. I met a great man who provided me with a sense of security and I let go of the discipline I had in my life that maintained my emotional stability. I realised yesterday that I am totally responsible for my own mental health. Relying on someone else for that is unhealthy and unwise (he could pack up and leave at any time and I would be in a world of pain but, if I am reliant on him for equalising my emotions, I am opening myself to a massive recovery effort).


I have known for a long time that I need to take responsibility for my own life but I have slipped into old habits. It is time now for me to make sure that I re-establish balance. The right balance. So that I find the point where I am looking after myself AND not using exercise as an escape. I am not as far off balance as I used to be, but there are adjustments that need to be made to ensure that I am at optimal health. Mental health is just as important as physical health and the combination of the two will, hopefully, lead me to a place where I am more at peace with the world and able to let go at night time. I look forward to using the quiet of the night for sleep so I can wake up every morning with the energy to face this cruel world. With sleep, I should be unstoppable!

The war against rape

A family member posted the above on Facebook asking for thoughts. This was my initial response -

Do the crime. Do the time. I imagine a woman would only go down this path if pushed. Most women would not wear one permanently. So, to know when to insert means that you are expecting to be raped. No on should live life in fear like that.

Barbarian behaviour deserves a barbarian punishment.

That was this yesterday. Now that I have had time to think about it. I am both delighted and devastated that this product exists. I am glad that women that are in this shocking situation now have an option for recourse (though, if it is someone known to them, are they likely to use it? Would the repercussions be worse for the victim? Would it mean that the offender would turn to other, more violent and destructive ways once the device has been medically removed?).

However, I am saddened that we need this in our society. We are not raising our boys to be gentlemen. We are not giving them outlets for their testosterone-fueled bodies. We are not giving them healthy, constructive options when they are angry or frustrated. Instead, we are creating a war. A war in the world of domestic violence and, like very aggressive response, I cannot see how that is going to end well.

Will our women now be raped then murdered for their retaliation? Will this actually teach our men and boys to treat women with respect? Are we belittling the problem to yet another commercial quantity?

While on the outside this seems like a way for women to protect themselves, are we not setting up our society for penal recourse rather than education and nurturing? Are we (as society has a tendency to do) ignoring the root cause and creating a salable product as a bandaid solution for an epidemic cultural issue?

Like our addiction to fast food as a means for coping with the stresses of overwork in modern society, are we not putting our faith in a product as a way of addressing a fundamental flaw in the way our society operates and the values we place on our children, our women and our men?

I fear this is a quick fix for something that needs an overhaul. Like a bandaid for a heart attack, I worry that this is unlikely to have the desired effect. This product creates a market for some other 'smart' individual to design a tool that can be used to remove the Rapex which will be sold on the black market so as to allow the perpetrator to avoid having to seek medical attention.

I need to take note of this

Solitude

Time alone is rare for me these days. I am generally only alone when I travel to pick the kids up once a fortnight and on my daily commute to and from work.

For me, solitude means time to think. Being the person I am, I need time to think about things. I am not the kind of person that leaps into action without thorough consideration. In fact, I have the tendency to overthink things.

While, on one hand, I love that I have a true partner in life, someone who stands by me regardless of what is going on, lately I find that I am lacking time to think. In the morning, my commute is filled with mind-mapping the day ahead. On the way home, I usually call my mother, sister or a friend as it is dedicated time to keeping in touch with the people I love.

Most of the time, I am fine with being around my man 24/7. I have found recently, however, that I am struggling to wind down at night. I still have things playing around in my mind that are unresolved.

I am craving some alone time to find a way forward in my head. Once I have this position, I will then be able to act on whatever answers I find.

I always find the festive season hard. My ex-husband was not particularly social so I used to feel very isolated, when I was single there was the dread of yet ANOTHER year where I was attending events with the stigma associated with a single mother, this year I am finding everything frantic. There are too many things on the go. Added to that is the fact that work is hectic. I have not had time to study for months and I feel like a complete failure. I had a full year to study my diploma and I have not managed to submit a single unit for assessment. I can console myself with the fact that illness marred much of this year and that next year (should) be better in that regard.

My man and I are heading to New Zealand in mid December to spend Christmas with his family and I feel like I need a little 'me' time before we embark on that. He has organised a BBQ so I can meet his friends (which I am both really looking forward to but also dreading for I know the judging that will go with it and I really hope I cut the mustard). I have wild dreams of losing 5-10kg before we taxi down that runway and those dreams are fast becoming a fairy tale.

So, in among the frantic rush that is the pre-Christmas season, I am also going to attempt to cut back on eating crap AND increase how much exercise I do. Seems crazy, I know, but I don't do things by halves.

In an attempt to grab a little 'me' time this week, I have booked a massage for Saturday morning. Hopefully that puts me in a good brain space for the rest of the weekend and I can recharge before another hectic week at work.

Back and forth

I have serious body image problems. My body is far from perfect but, having carried two babies and working full time in a nine day fortnight, I am probably not doing too badly. Being a perfectionist has so many downfalls. I hold such high expectations for myself that are almost impossible to achieve unless I had a career that paid me to work out.

Admittedly, I eat too much crap. I know what I need to do to get the body I want but I cannot help myself. My self control is just not there.

So, I am in an endless loop of disappointment. And I don't know how to get out of it.