I had an hour of sleep last night. Sleep has been an issue for me since I was pregnant with my first child. I could not financially afford to take time off before he was born so I worked until the day I was induced (at 41 weeks). I had three months of part time work from home after his birth before I went back to full time hours.
This started a cycle of me caring for him during the day and working at night. When my second child was born life was even more hectic. I could no longer sneak a twenty minute nap during the day when my eldest had a rare day time sleep. I formed a habit of not sleeping. Over 11 years, I got used to living on 1-3 hours of sleep a night.
As I approach the big four-o I can no longer afford to keep that up.
So, I took the liberty to extend my horizons, engage my cerebral cortex and did some research on insomnia. Did you know that the emotional centre of the brain (the amygdala) is 60% more active in people who are sleep deprived?
I know a lot about sleep (in relation to drive fatigue in particular) and have even written a couple of papers on the subject but I have not before delved into the emotional side of lack of sleep. I am officially frightened. Are my emotional outbreaks (to, admittedly, a stressful time in my life), a result of lack of sleep? Is sleep deprivation the reason I am putting on weight despite having engaged a dietician? Is my lack of night time rest the reason I am not getting results from the effort in the gym? Is the conditioning I have been exposed to in the past why I have a shorter temper than I used to?
I feel like a basket case at the moment. My life is generally pretty good. I have two beautiful children, a supportive partner, a great relationship with my sister and some amazing friends. Sure, I have issues with the father of my children and I wish I wasn't powerless to affect change in that area. My children are my first priority and it causes me great pain to know that they are not living to the standard that I would afford them if they were with me - unwashed linen, lack of water for showering and different values around diet means that I feel like I am constantly trying to 'undo' what happens when they are with their Dad. I am trying to re-educate them the basics of hygiene every time they are with me. It is a losing battle but one I am not willing to give up on.
The stressors in my life at the moment are unlikely to go away in the near future. Accepting that, I have always just soldiered on. Life keeps coming at you and you have to move with it. However, following my research I am determined to make some changes to ensure that I get more sleep.
I am going to pick up yoga on a routine basis. I was previously quite dedicated but have lost that discipline over the last year. It is something I need to focus on.
I have also stopped running in the last twelve months. Now that the weather is picking up and there are longer daylight hours, I have more opportunity to bring that back into my life. Running is therapy for me. It gives me the headspace I need to find my way through the myriad of problems that face me on a daily basis and the endorphin rush to be able to cope with the negative emotions that go flying around inside me.
I have not made the time to write over the last year either. I have prioritised other things ahead of the creative pursuit that is writing and denied myself of a healthy and valuable outlet for my over-active brain. I am going to make the time to divulge my thoughts before work in the morning when I need to. I acknowledge that this does not need to be done on a daily basis but if I have the time allocated, I can use it when I need to.
Recently I have had some success with guided meditation so I am keen to do more of that. As stress is a great contributing factor for insomnia, I need to deal with that in a more constructive way.
On reflection in the car on the way to work this morning, I have realised that the balance I worked hard to establish in the three years after my marriage fell apart has been lost. I met a great man who provided me with a sense of security and I let go of the discipline I had in my life that maintained my emotional stability. I realised yesterday that I am totally responsible for my own mental health. Relying on someone else for that is unhealthy and unwise (he could pack up and leave at any time and I would be in a world of pain but, if I am reliant on him for equalising my emotions, I am opening myself to a massive recovery effort).
I have known for a long time that I need to take responsibility for my own life but I have slipped into old habits. It is time now for me to make sure that I re-establish balance. The right balance. So that I find the point where I am looking after myself AND not using exercise as an escape. I am not as far off balance as I used to be, but there are adjustments that need to be made to ensure that I am at optimal health. Mental health is just as important as physical health and the combination of the two will, hopefully, lead me to a place where I am more at peace with the world and able to let go at night time. I look forward to using the quiet of the night for sleep so I can wake up every morning with the energy to face this cruel world. With sleep, I should be unstoppable!
No comments:
Post a Comment