The ultimate day

My ultimate day would start by waking without an alarm, a run in the sunshine, breakfast at a cafe, a session at the gym followed by a long hot shower, cocktails at a funky pub, afternoon sex, perhaps a nanna nap then dinner and a movie.

Rinse and repeat.

Eclectic mix

Last night I went to a friend of a friends poetry reading at the Brunswick Hotel. The friend I was meeting there was late and I was uncomfortable.  I knew no one and it was not the kind of place I would ordinarily choose to stay at if I stumbled across it.

The support acts started and my friend still had not arrived.  I felt like the most insignificant person in the room - there was someone drawing portraits of patrons, hipsters sitting cross legged on the floor, lesbians holding hands, a lady mumbling prayers with her rosary beads, a gypsy with her bike helmet attached to her backpack and a bar tender shedding a tear as the leading poetry act sang a soul mantra.

The establishment was similarly special with fake turf on the ceiling strung with butterflies,fish, dinosaurs and

a flamingo which strongly contrasted a gorgeous bouquet of pink and white lilies.  The guitar light and origami cranes blu tacked to the bar clashed with the martini-imprinted red glass splashback.  The print of cupid drinking Schnitzer Brau (a gluten free beer) was happily displayed alongside state of the art audio equipment.

I did not fit in at all.  Yet I was greeted kindly by those at the bar; a Jewish man offered to pour my water and I was hugged wholeheartedly by the most inappropriately named man I have ever met, Meena, when I left at the end of the night.  As I sat on the world's most uncomfortable couch listening to the stunning voice of a woman I had just met while an old friend played guitar, I felt at peace.  It mattered not that I was exhausted after a long day, without makeup because I had rushed to attend after making an unscheduled trip back to work after gym and dressed down from how I would normally go out. It mattered not that I did not fit in with the crowd of people that were there.

I did not embarrass anyone when I made a 500m dash to 7eleven to get milk so the barmaid could make me a hot chocolate at midnight.  I was not mocked or shamed for not singing (for I have a terrible voice, especially compared to the talent that was present).  I was accepted for my quirkiness without question and it was just what I needed.

So, thank you to the sixty plus year old bikie for telling me that life is short and that a woman like me should not settle for something that makes me "look like I have been run over by a thousand road trains".  Thank you to the lesbian who turned around to me while holding onto her girlfriend's dreadlocks, smiled and told me I was kind of pretty when I smiled.  Thank you to the Jewish man who poured my water and thank you to Meena for showing warmth and kindness.  For me, it is the encounters with randoms that matter most on the days when I am struggling to get through.  Randoms have no back story on me.  They know not what I have been through nor what I currently face.  They have no idea the pain I carry.  They don't know my hobbies, interests or occupation.  Randoms take what they see and judge, as everyone does.  Randoms make me realise that although I feel about as beautiful as the contents of an ashtray; despite the fact that my heart has a thousand punctures and that I don't know which way is up in my tattered and torn existence, there is peace in anonymity.  There is a sense of release in being where no one knows anything about you for then it is okay to be truly who you are - the uncomfortable, self-conscious, ugly duckling who is unworthy of being loved.

Acapella

I am loving Karmin's Acapella.  I had a mixed bag weekend and found that reflective time brought me to a new place.  Acceptance has always been such a hard thing for me.  When I want something I hunt it down like a hound dog.

I am never going to be Cinderella.  There is no fairy tale so "watch me hit it solo".  I learnt this weekend that there is no one I can rely on but me. I will be forever grateful to my sister for helping me see that.  I have to toughen up and provide for me first. I am too nice; I do so much for other people but I am always on the bottom of the pile.  My gorgeous cousin made me realise that if I don't nurture myself first then I am not going to get anywhere.  Another beautiful cousin helped me see that the shitstorm I have been through is nothing that I cannot cope with.  It is not fun but I have the skills to deal with it, piece by piece.

For now, I am going to believe in others until such time I can believe in myself.  According to the people I love and trust the most I have a lot to offer the world.  I am smart, pretty, compassionate, motivated, talented, reliable and trustworthy.  You better totes believe that when I hit the runway at full strength the world won't know what to do with me.

I am worth being treated with respect.  I have boundaries and they are to be reinforced so I never get overrun again. I am going to be fine by myself.  I have passion.  I am powerful and I am going to fucking knock this shit out of the game park.

Watch me put me first.  Watch me treat myself like I treat the ones that I love.  And watch them fall over when I hit it solo.  I will need for no one.  I will be impenetrable.  I will be invincible.  I will be me and those who don't like it can GGF.  I am worth it and I am the only one that can do it.  I've been preparing myself for this for months.  Time to get off my arse and deliver.

I am not naive in thinking that there won't be bumps in the road but I am committed and once I set my mind to something there is not a thing that will stop me.

Emotionally draining

My ex told me recently that he couldn't contribute to running the family home when we were together because I am emotionally draining to be around. While I acknowledge that he is hurting and possibly says things out of fear, rejection and anger I am also investing a lot of energy into addressing my issues. I am concerned that I am fundamentally flawed and incapable of being loved. That I am not worth being treated well.

I have a standard that I expect from someone I share my life with - honesty, respect and compassion being uppermost on my list. The thing is, I don't believe I deserve that. As I am not demanding I don't get it.

I stayed in my marriage for many years trying to get respect but it just was not there. Now that I am not with him, he's doing all the things I asked of him. The hurtful truth is that it I was not worth his time and effort. He says this is because he no longer has to deal with my shit.

I know I am not perfect and I have been spending a great deal of time lately trying to work on my issues. I am concerned that I am flawed at the deepest core of who I am and that I cannot change that. It's akin to asking me to change the colour of my eyes.

Regardless of what I do I am unable to deal well with rejection. I am not secure in myself so I tend to get jealous. I worry about everything and tend to overanalyse the world. I am too kind. I am not a good conversationalist. I am pretty boring; I don't have a suite of hobbies or skills. I lack motivation and tend to make bad decisions. I am programmed to seek validation. I am fussy and tend to be hard to please. It's no wonder I'm where I am.

Bricking up

I am starting to build some pretty fierce walls. Each time someone lets me down or treats me badly I manage to add another brick to the wall. I am fighting all my natural instincts. I am relying on music, dance and distraction to get me through.

Acceptance is powerful. Once you accept something it is much easier to cope with. My mantra is working: I am not worthy of love and never will be. Once the truth is acknowledged the only way is up. So , go on, shit on my heart. I'll encase that shit in teflon coated bricks so each subsequent steaming dump penetrates less than the last.

Enough

I struggle with self esteem and I have serious worth issues. I work on these on a daily basis. I am obviously doing it wrong because I am still fighting the same battles I was a year ago. In fact, there are times when I think I am actually losing ground.

But I am determined to win this battle. I will be enough. One day I will be able to look myself in the mirror and not cringe in disgust. One day I will have the strength to stand my ground and be treated with respect. There will come a day when I will be better able to let negative comments wash over me. One day I will be secure enough in myself that I will be less jealous and needy; for these are merely symptoms of a degraded ego.

Prioritising the important things

I have been working on many facets of my life in the last eighteen months and I am just starting to see some forward progress. There are days when I falter.  There are days when I fall flat on my face.  But, for the most part, I am keeping it together more and more.   My sense of humour is coming back and I can generally pull myself back from the chasm of despair before I fall headlong into it.  I am stronger in dealing with other people and getting what I need from life. A gorgeous friend has a phrase that is repeated often; "prioritise the things that are important". I spent some time reflecting on this today.

My kids come first. No exceptions, no questions, no negotiation. In fact, family fills the top spots in my priority list.  My sister has been a rock for me.  She's always there, day or night, and has never let me down.  There are things we don't agree on but I respect her and she supports me regardless of the decisions I make. I have been so pleasantly surprised with how the rest of my family have banded together to support me and we have such a blast when we are together. I will be forever grateful for that.

There are few friends that have stood by my side during this tough time and, for them, I would move heaven and earth.

It is important that I spend time with people who build me up.  I can tear myself down better than anyone else; I don't need to be around others that do the same.

I am learning that prioritising myself occasionally is not selfish but necessary.  If I don't exercise, I fall in a heap.  I need that endorphin rush to cope.  Therefore, I prioritise going to the gym as I know that if I skip it, life is much harder to cope with.  Likewise, I need time to write.  Without the release I get from writing, I cannot let things go.  There's something about seeing my feelings written coherently that makes them easier to cope with or move forward from.

Healthy food makes a difference too.  I have not been eating enough fruit lately and I notice how sluggish I feel.

Rest and sleep present an issue for me.  I am incapable of rest; it is just not in my constitution. With adequate sleep I cannot turn off my brain so my body enters protective mode and I only sleep for a couple of hours a night; regardless of what time I go to bed.

A clean home is important to me so I take the time to maintain it.  I like to dress well and I am making a plan to move forward.

I am a couch

I adore my children. They are like little mirrors. They reflect back at me all my flaws. They also shine a beautiful light on my strengths. They are such a delight to be around.

There are times, however, like every parent where I am reduced to chef, chief negotiator and couch. When my daughter uses me as a chair I am forced to be still. Usually at a time when I would much prefer to be active (as is my modus operandus).

Even after nine years as a mother I am surprised at the things I will do for my children that I would never consider doing for anyone else. From storing bird carcass to caring for a garden spider to throwing water balloons in winter. Everything changes when you become a parent. For the next 102 minutes I will be a couch while my children enjoy Epic.

Staying tired

I realised this morning that I think less when I am tired. I think I keep myself busy as a protective measure so I can dull my thoughts and am better able to turn my head off.  It's not healthy. It's probably why I have had a sequence of illnesses but it is the best I can do right now. Probably not good enough for everyone else either. But hell, it's all I have

Lucky bastard

I realised this morning that any guy would be lucky to have me in his life. I am generous, thoughtful, loyal and fun. I am worthy of being treated well for I treat others well. 

Occlumency

I am learning occlumency as a defense against my own legilimency. I have a way of fucking myself over all in the confines of my head. I can make a lie the truth. I can turn a simple act or non-act into some gigantic deal. I am my own worst enemy. I am an expert at degrading myself and setting off a downward spiral.

I have low self esteem and am a sensitive soul which proves to be a lethal combination. I need a lot of reassurance which can be tiring for others.

I am working really hard on not needing other people. I am hardening my heart and building walls but that goes against my natural instincts. I am using breath, music and exercise to cope when my head starts to take over. I am also trying something my cousin suggested - thinking about something positive about myself each morning and focusing on that for the day.

I choose to surround myself with people who build me up.  Blocking those who drag me down out of my life for now.  I need to surround myself with positive thoughts that will bolster my ego.

My biggest battle is to turn my thoughts around.  Every time doubt comes niggling in, I squash it like a bug and try to move forward.  I am looking for positive things about me.  I am a warrior against my own negativity.  I will beat it back with a stick until it gets the idea and runs away.

Run, negativity, run!

Repulsion

You know you're repulsive to someone when they accidentally touch you and retract their hand like they have held hot coals.

Profile

I would never join a dating site but I was lying in bed last night thinking about what I would put on my profile if I did. This would be thus:
I am mother of two gorgeous children who will always be my priority. I'm a fun loving, sensitive bitch. I run, dance and do yoga. I can cook but prefer others to do so for me. I am fiercely loyal.  I am exceptionally fussy but totally worth it.  I am seeking someone who looks like Enrique Inglesias, thinks like Sheldon Cooper, talks like Morgan Freeman and has a large expendable income.

Nighttime treasures

There's no secret to the fact that I love Melbourne.  I love the atmosphere and the people.  I love the look of the city and way I feel when I am in it.  I am so thankful to live near such a vibrant city.  I love the endless possibilities that await.  I love how an evening can meander through the bluestone laneways; finding little gems where you can buy handmade leather goods; drink cocktails or climb a mountain of stairs and admire the view.  I love the rooftop bars, fairy lights and eclectic mix of quirky behaviour of the people you meet.

Melbourne is a beautiful city.  But, as Rupert Brooke so succinctly puts it"cities, like cats, reveal themselves at night".

Miss Understood

I seem to miss the mark with people.  They misconstrue what I say and misinterpret what I do.

I am genuinely a nice person.  I want good things for people, especially those that I love.  I am generous and kind.  I go out of my way to make people happy.   I am thoughtful and reliable.  I am honest and fiercely loyal.  Most of the time, I see these traits as strengths.  There are plenty of times, though, where I see that life would be a hell of a lot easier if I didn't care. There are days when I want to build up my walls and harden my heart to protect myself from getting hurt.

There is also a side of me that is cheeky.  I have a strong sense of fun, something that I am allowing myself to experience again after a long period of seriousness.  My cheekiness is often misunderstood and taken as passive aggression.  I am in no way an aggressive person.  There are plenty of situations where I possibly should be more aggressive and vindictive but it's not who I am and I am done pretending.  I am done with trying to please people by proclaiming to be something I am not.  It has not served me well in the past and I will not go back over the same ground again.

I would much rather be Miss Understood.

I am me.  Understand it or not; it is not going to change again.  I am not going to make excuses for who I am.  I am not going to apologise for being needy or sensitive .  I am not going to stop dancing just because someone tells me I am no good at it. I am not going to sign up to a dating site. I am not going to stop chasing the things that I love or seeking fun in life.  I am not going to become a couch potato to make other people feel more comfortable about the choices they make.  I will not relinquish my morals because other people believe that I should.  I am not going to sit home and mope.

I am going to run at Oh My God o'clock and go to the gym twice in one night.  I will cook my meals from scratch, bake and mow my own lawns.  I am going to paint my nails at midnight then sit and watch a movie until they dry.  I'll wear jeans rather than tracksuit pants when I am at home and dress up to go to the movies.  I am going to eat what I want, when I want (even if that means lunch at 1900).  I will retreat into my own thoughts when I need to mull things over.  I will spoil the people I love and give more than I should without any thought for payback. I will treat others with respect.  I will tell the people I love that I love them, often so they are well aware of where they stand.   I will write whether it makes me laugh or cry because I find it therapeutic.  I endeavour to take life by the balls and squeeze it until every last drop is gone even if that means I only sleep a couple of hours a night.

Like it or lump it, I really don't care.  I will not tolerate being anything less than who I am because I am pretty great.  I will never again relinquish my authenticity.  If people like me then that's great.  If they don't then that's okay.  There are plenty of other people in the world and they are sure to find someone else that suits them. But when people stick around and want to spend time with me, I will know that it is the real me they like; not a cheap veneer.  Those that stick with me will be treated well for that is how I roll.  

A touch of happiness

Yesterday my cousin and I took the kids down the Great Ocean Road in search of whales.  We didn't find any (in fact, the only animal we saw was a deer) but we had a great day.  It was awesome to be in the company of an intelligent, interesting and energetic male.

We travelled for hours in the car, enjoyed the coastline, played with the kids and chatted.

We spent time jumping off the sea wall into the sand trying to take levitation photos and built a stone bridge across a river.

It was refreshing to get out of the city and head towards adventure.  The day was relaxed and thoroughly rejuvenating.  My cousin is good for my ego, boosting me up and setting me straight on many points.  Our conversations were inspiring and honest.  He told me frankly of my downfalls and I took them squarely on the chin.  There were no tears or tantrums (from me or the children) and we topped it off by going to my parents and sharing a lovely family dinner.

Being around a strong and sensible man Yesterday built up my strength and resolve to keep fighting, keep moving forward and to aim for better.  Because I deserve it.

Demons

Fear is my biggest demon.  My biggest fear is that I am not good enough.  Today, my demons are taking over.

Tame

I am an exceptionally passionate person.  I easily get fired up (though I wouldn't say I have a temper); I care more than I should and, all too often lately, fear tends to get the better of me.  Where I once saw this as a serious character flaw, I am starting to see how valuable it is.

I am far from normal - I dance in the kitchen at work (hell, I dance when I am meant to be running in the morning); I flip out and go bat shit crazy to make a point; I swear like a sailor; I sing off key; I am willing to admit my mistakes (and I am getting better at taking bold steps to correct them); I put others needs ahead of my own.

I have learnt that worrying about what other people think of you is a form of imprisonment.  I am getting better at letting go and enjoying the moment.  I am no longer afraid to flail my arms madly when  one of my favourite songs starts to play on my run.  I dance for me.  I wear what I like, even if it means that my feet are freezing all day.  I no longer look over my shoulder as I walk down the street, panicking about who may or may not be looking at me.

The truth is, I just don't care anymore.  If people don't like me then that is their problem.  I am quirky, I am crazy and I am sensitive.  But I have character and I am unpredictable.

While I am striving to be more than I have ever been before, I have realised that I am reverting to the person I was before he fucked me up.  Never again will I be tamed by someone.  I am wild at heart and deserve to be free.

Positivity

My brilliant friend sent me a hilarious text last night encouraging me to seek more because I deserve it. I am so thankful for the reminders my friends and family provide me from time to time when my confidence waivers.

Today I am, as she suggested, putting on my positive attitude and choosing to believe that shit.  I am a fucking awesome catch.  Anyone who cannot see that is a moron.

Skin and bones

I am running low.  I have been battling for a long time and I am just exhausted.  I want to have the energy to keep fighting but I just don't.  I can't.  I have nothing more.  I am spent.

The truth is that good people finish last.  I have given so much and I just keep getting screwed over.  People mistake my kindness for weakness and they feed on it until it becomes just that.  I have too many battles raging at the moment.  I just don't know where to start.  And I am hitting brick walls at every turn.  People say I need to be smarter, more ruthless, tougher, stronger, firmer.  Don't they realise that if I could be those things I wouldn't be in this fucking position?

I know they are trying to help but I am constantly amazed at the lack of consideration.  Or perhaps it is just a complete lack of understanding.  I feel like the Foo Fighters "Skin and Bones", all worn out and nothing fits; the more I give the less I get.

I find people always misunderstand my intentions.  I am not a mean or vindictive person.  Perhaps there are times when I should be more like that but it does not sit well with me.  I am generous and caring.  I am thoughtful and energetic.  I mean no ill to anyone.  Not even those who may deserve it.

This is not how I want my story to end.  My psychologist wants me to picture what I want my life to look like in five years.  It's not an easy thing to do.  I want to be running my own business; I am not built to take direction from other people and it's the only way to make money.  And I seriously need to rebuild. I want to be surrounded by my children.  I want to be me.  I want to continue to find the things that I enjoy and do them as often as I can.  I want to travel - New York, Paris, Ibiza, the tulip fields in the Netherlands, rainforests of the Amazon, Okavango Delta.

I'm ok with doing that by myself but I would love to share it with someone.  Problem.  I now have standards that I will not relinquish on.  They are exceptionally high.  I have been spoilt and I will not be able to settle for something of lesser quality.  I doubt that there is anyone out there that meets the bill.  And what's the chance that they are single?  And then there are the demons that race in shouting "he'll never choose you anyway".  I need to paint a new picture.