Things you should know

I have been trying to eat well lately. I've never had a terrible diet (MacDonalds is not real food!) but I have recently cut out refined white sugar (mostly) and the majority of carbs. I feel fantastic! My moods are much less intense. I am more subdued in my approach to everything. Nothing makes me really happy but nothing destroys me either.

I recently saw a post about what you need to know when dating a fit chick. I don't put myself in the fit chick category (last night I ate pizza and two scoops of ice cream from Gelato Messina FFS). On the other hand I have been up since five so I can roast pumpkin to go in my salad for lunch and do a home-grown circuit. Before most people are awake I have done 400 sit ups, 150 squats, 100 lunges, bicep curls, leg extensions, tricep dips and planking. I have done two loads of washing, showered, dressed, done my hair and packed my running bag for tonight. It is 0607.

This is who I am

I love Vanessa Amorossi's This is Who I Am. I am getting to a point where I am unapologetically me. I am working hard on liking every bit of me and being proud of the person that I am. I have the best of intentions and I truly care about the people in my life. I am more secure than I ever have been (not to say I'm not insecure about a few things but I am working on that, really I am). I no longer try to please others or care what they think about what I wear, how I dance, the music I listen to or what I say.

I'm not perfect. Far from it! I fuck up all the time. But I strive, first and foremost, to make myself happy. That's not to say I don't love the people in my life, I do. Very much. I treat them well and I like to spoil them with impromptu gifts from time to time. However, I give because I want to not because it is expected or I feel obliged.

I am not the kind of person that works well on a routine. I don't like the mundane predictability of a life like that. While it brings comfort to some I find it stifling and icky. I like to mix things up and regularly do.

I like to stay fit. I like to eat well. Two things I am taking more seriously as time goes on. For me, exercise is critical to maintaining mental health. I've let it slip a bit in the last few weeks and it shows. I need to exercise on a daily basis. Sometimes twice a day. Three times if I have had to deal with the lawyer of my ex. I am working on getting back into exercise and finding new ways to challenge my body.

While I am happy in kicks and a pair of jeans, I love dresses and high heels. I love fresh flowers. I like to keep my house clean and stay on top of the washing. I don't like dirty dishes hanging around and towels should always be hung on the rack. I am particular about everything having a home and being put back where it belongs. I can imagine I will, now that I have realised how important these things are to me, be a right royal pain in the sense to live with.

I am okay alone but I am not truly happy. I want someone to share my life with. Someone I am passionate about and who makes me feel alive. Someone I can discuss anything with. Someone who accepts me for who I am, faults and all (o one is perfect! Even me). Someone who won't judge me when I eat half a pizza and two scoops of ice cream on the weekend but stick to salad during the week. Someone who is not embarrassed to order me food that won't make me sick; who is, in fact, ridiculously considerate of my allergies. Someone who challenges me but will catch me when I push myself too far and fall in a heap, like I am known to do. Regularly. Someone who understands that, when my world is crumbling in around me, I need a hug and will hold on just that little longer to let me know that it's going to be okay. Who realises that, when he's let go, there's still more hurt so hugs me again, a little tighter. Someone who is strong enough to call me on my shit when I fail but man enough to know when I've learnt my lesson and need a little slack.

I accept that there are less than ideal parts of me that I cannot change. When I really care about someone, I am insecure. I need more reassurance than I should because fear is an issue for me. My past means I carry demons I don't yet know how to let go of. One day I will be free of them but I don't have the skills I need right now to rid myself of them. Until that time I will endeavour to surround myself with people that provide me with love and support. Who don't shame me or make me feel inferior for being honest and open. I am actively shutting out people who treat me poorly or make me feel bad about myself for the way they cope with my behaviour. I'm aware that there are times when I'm intense. There are certain topics that trigger me and they are always the things I am most passionate about; the ones that matter most to me - my children and the people I love the most.

I have few friends. Those I have, I love dearly. They're all a little messed up in their own special way.  Nothing wrong with that!! In fact, I love that about them. It makes them human. It makes them real. It means that we can support each other and grow together.

I am spending more time alone than I ever have. I am now home most nights and for stretches of the weekend. My home is slowly being converted into something I am really proud of. A space I like to be in. A safe haven. A sanctuary.

This is me. I like me. Come join me if you please. While I am okay by myself, I enjoy company.

Love thyself - Part II

I have focused the last ninety days to myself. I have followed my dreams and booked a holiday as I desperately want to travel. I have taken up photography again. I am dabbling in art. I have made my home a sanctuary.

I'm not happy. Far from it. I want my babies with me full time but that's not an option right now.  I want mad, crazy, happy, respectful love. But that's not going to happen either. Despite not having the two things I want most, I am content. I need no one. I am okay. I don't feel like I am living but rather existing and I have to be fine with that. I have me and I am enough.

Another year I didn't die

Yesterday was my birthday. It was the happiest birthday I have had since I was a teen. I was spoilt rotten. Not only in gifts (where I was given some stunning and very generous presents) but in outpourings of love from family and friends alike.

I can honestly say that I had no idea so many people cared about me. The texts and messages I received warmed my heart and gave me courage and strength to continue.

I am amazed and pleasantly surprised. I am so very grateful for the gifts I received but so much moreso for the sentiments that came with them. My heartfelt thanks go to each and every special person in my life. I am blessed; for I have many.

Obligatory respite

I recently booked my first holiday in over a decade. In mid October I will spend eight nights in a tropical resort. This is a holiday of obligation. It is not a destination I have been dreaming about going to. It is a holiday because I am run down. I am heartbroken and tired. I am severely sleep deprived and I am craving warmth. 

I am trying to look at it in a positive light. It is the cheapest holiday EVER. My eight nights' accommodation and breakfasts is costing me a grand total of $321. I am going to try to cross some things off my bucket list while I am there which will be satisfying. And I am going to be warm! No numb fingers or toes for me.

I am going to have eight full days where I am free to do as I please. Apart from flights, I will not be required to be anywhere at any particular time. I will be able to eat when I am hungry, run when I want and walk everywhere. I will be able to read my book in the sunshine, paddle on the aqua sea and hike in the rainforest.  I know I am travelling in the wet season and I am going to try to nap when it is rainy. I  have no expectations of the trip, because it is not a lifelong dream, therefore I have no chance of being disappointed.

I have always wanted to travel but I see this as obligation with perhaps the potential for adventure. I am going to try to take things as they come. Being a natural planner, I am really struggling with that idea. But, to be honest, I am finding making decisions very difficult at the moment. So much so that I cannot decide what to do with the time that I have available. This is disturbing me greatly. One of the reasons I am going on holiday is that I will be forced to make decisions every day and I am hoping I can build some confidence with that. 

I am not excited about my holiday but I am relieved for the opportunity it presents.

To blave

Love, true love is so rare. More often than not one person in a partnership is more heavily invested than the other. Truly committed, loving relationships are one in a million.

My full heart is longing to bloom in love. The reality is that my heart and soul are badly damaged. I have come a long way and I am much happier with myself than I have been since I was a teen. But there's still that yearning for a deeply committed, honest, open, respectful relationship. One where both people grow in a nurtured space. Where there is understanding, forgiveness, compassion and warmth. Where hugs flow freely and kisses abound.

Aunt Flo

I have come to terms with what being single means - no hugs at the end of a hard day, no support when life inevitably goes to shit and no sex.

Equally it means no drama, no conflict and the ability to do whatever I want whenever I want. If I feel like roasted broccoli that's what I do. I don't have to compromise and I don't have to be considerate of someone else. 

I'm okay with being on my own three weeks a month. The one week I have my period, though, is awful. There are tears, snot and so much sadness. 

My loves

My children are my greatest loves. My heart aches to spend more time with them. I miss them so much.

While I've created a busy life in Melbourne, it is not full without them.

Shameless flirting

Today I was flirting with a guy from work. All innocent stuff but, still, I am trying to develop some kind of skills in dealing with the opposite sex.

Soothe thy soul

I've been focussing on me for a long time but missed the mark. In the last few weeks I have been mindful of my mood and actively trying to soothe myself with healthy, constructive pursuits. Today, I lay in the sun and read. I find concentration an issue so only read a few pages at a time before my mind wanders into unhealthy territory.

So, I picked myself off the newly mown grass and decided to tackle some hard core gardening that I have been putting off for ages (I hate gardening). I sawed until my bicep was throbbing; filled the garden waste bin and made a neat pile of clippings to put in the bin next week.

This simple task occupied my body for well over an hour. As I concentrated on making sure I didn't fall the heavy branch into the fence, all other thoughts faded. I was truly in the moment. I escaped my woes and was transported to nothingness. The sun warmed me while the healthy endorphins flooded my body with contentment. Plus, I was rewarded with a sense of accomplishment at a job that does not need to be done again for at least a few months.

One day

One day I will wake up and feel able to face the world. One day I will be able to look in the mirror without wanting to vomit with disgust. One day I will get through twenty four hours without crying uncontrollably. One day I will smile and it will be genuine. One day I will not feel pain with every breath. One day things will be less hectic. One day I will find the scars of my past no longer weep. One day I will have healed from this trauma. One day I won't have to fake it because I will truly like the person the I am. One day my values will fully align with my actions.

I know this because each day I am getting stronger. Each day I make a little bit of progress. Some days I fall into a heap. Some days are just awful. But I have worked a long time on many issues and I'm determined to win.

I'm putting myself first. Something I haven't done since I was in my teens. I'm focusing on building my foundation. I'm bound in my lighthouse, licking my wounds and healing them cleanly. The scars will forever be there but I refuse to be held down. I'm eating well. I'm taking time for me. I'm worrying less about others (my children aside; as they will always be my priority). I'm saying no. I'm not entering into the drama of others' lives.

I'm trying to focus on the positive. I'm not taking on board the opinions of others. It matters not what people think of me. What matters is what I think of me. My battle now is to become the person that I am proud of.

I am proud to be kind, caring and generous. I am proud that I am giving and thoughtful and sweet. I like that I am funny and easygoing. I like that I don't take myself too seriously. I like that I have my own life - my independence is important to me. I like that I'm healthy and fit. I like that I take pride in my appearance but I'm not conceited. I'm proud that I'll do anything for the people I love - friends and family alike. I'm glad that I am truly happy when people I love are happy, even if that is to my detriment. I have managed to hold down a job while going through a traumatic separation. I've endured when everyone thought I would fail. I'm resilient.

I am starting to see that I have plenty to like about myself. Now it is a matter of practice and reinforcement. All that's left is to constantly and consistently protect myself from negative external forces while reinforcing the positives.

One day at a time.

Be still my crazy mind

I over think everything. I take offence easy, apparently where none was intended. I feel constantly misunderstood - like I speak a different language to everyone else. I am continually disappointed in myself for I form attachments too easily; leaving myself open to intense feelings of rejection and abandonment.

I have been on the cusp of entering into the big bad roller coaster ride of dating.  I loathe online dating so I'm not keen on going there but it seems no one meets organically anymore. Friends and family are unwilling to introduce potential partners anymore for fear that the relationship will fail and the initial friendship suffers. This is compounded by the fact that I am somewhat socially  awkward which means no guy is ever going to approach me in public. There are days where I feel completely trapped by myself.

So, I turn back to the fact that I'm mostly okay by myself. I'm not miserable with my own company. I'm focusing on finding hobbies that quiet my mind and take me out of the space where I realise my life is completely fucked and to a calm, tranquil space. I managed to do some photography during the week. And the kids and I painted yesterday. I've never been particularly creative or talented at any pursuit. I've not been blessed with any skills. So, this is trial and error. An adventure in getting to know myself again. A way of exploring new ideas to try to get my mind to shut the hell up.

Forget the numbers

I have never been a fan of the numbers society uses as a gauge. I rejected it forcefully when pregnant with my first after being told that I was "failing to progress" in labour. Who the hell has the right to tell me I'm taking too long to dilate my cervix? A child has to fit through there you crazy psycho! Of course it's going to take a while. Then there was the amount of sleep, weight gains and head circumference measures. Whoa! Hold up there captain. Tens of thousands of years of evolution and we're reduced to assessing the health of our children by weight gains? Heard of a little epidemic called obesity?

It was then that I realised how driven by numbers we are - height, weight, wage, age - they're what we use to measure someone's worth. Hell, we even assign a score to people - apparently I'm a seven. Who does that? Since when have stats meant more than values, principles and behaviours? Why do people tolerate an arsehole because he earns six figures? Where's our own sense of worth gone? That we will put up with abuse (whether verbal or physical or both) at the hands of a man who cheats and lies just because he drives a nice car?

No more with the numbers peeps! Come on. We all need to take a serious look at ourselves and the people we associate with and determine whether they're the kind of people we want in our lives. Money and looks aside; are you surrounding yourself with loving, caring, genuine people? People who will come to your aid if you need them. People who keep their promises. People who respect you and treat you with compassion and consideration.

Or are you surrounded by people who let you down? Lie, cheat and make you feel bad?

I need to remind myself that I would rather be single forever than be verbally or physically abused. I would rather be alone forever than with a liar and a cheat. I would prefer to die having never had sex again than to wake up to a man who does not appreciate me and treat me with respect.

For the first time since I was a teen I am starting to sit back and assess the people that are in my life and objectively assess whether they treat me in the manner in which I deserve. I don't expect people to change but I am culling people from my life that don't makers feel good about myself; people that keep me in a place of misery and people that are unreliable. Don't make promises you can't keep!

I figure this is a good sign. I figure it means that I am, very slowly, getting stronger and more resilient. I feel more robust. I am less tolerant of misbehaviour. I am more honest about what I want, what I like, what I don't like, and what I deserve. I expect nothing. From anyone. But I have standards  now where I had none before.

So I refuse to judge people on the amount of money they earn, their postcode, their weight, or age or how really, really good looking they are. Instead, what matters to me are honesty, integrity and reliability. People who value their family and friends. People that talk not about celebrity hair style but of the things that matter in life - family, friends, love, sex and food.

A little ray of sunhine

Instead of turning to my standard 'quick fix' (sugar in it's various forms, exercise or alcohol), I bought myself a vase as it will last forever and some gorgeous ranunculus because they are one of the first flowers of spring. I planted about $10,000 worth of bulbs at the block as a part of one of my ex's schemes to make money from the property but never managed to take advantage of the money or time spent in the depths of winter planting out five acres of paddock with a little princess in a sling on my back.

C'est la vie!

Passion rekindled

Today I took a mental health break, dug my camera out and hit the Tan. The results aren't brilliant but I'm not unhappy.

It's all perspective

I was told by a guy at work "you looked very Lois Lane this morning with your hair tied back and glasses on. Hot!". Hilarious because I felt like shit. I was wearing my glasses because I'm so tired I can't see and my hair was tied back because I was too late this morning to dry it after my run.

Just goes to show how differently people can see things. 

I'm going to try to accept things on face value rather than try to guess at what people are thinking and feeling. I tend to get it wrong when I do the latter anyway so clearly that's not working for me.

Awash with pain

I have realised that I need to write. I need to write because I think too much and writing helps me prioritise and process things. I have survived what my psychologist has referred to as "one of the worst cases of emotional abuse" he has seen. In fact, he has said on a number of occasions, when I have entered his rooms wanting to return to my ex so I can see my children more and claiming that the emotional attacks could not have been as bad as I remember, that my behaviour is demonstrative of extreme abuse. Apparently the brain does crazy things in trying to rationalise abuse - the ultimate form being Stockholm syndrome. 

To be honest, I do not believe that my ex husband is an awful man. He was just not the right man for me. Or I was not the woman for him. Either way, we didn't work. He tried desperately to mold me into someone I was not and I dutifully complied until such point as I had lost all semblance of myself.

The last three years have been a very gradual and extremely painful journey to try to not only heal but grow as a person. In my usual fashion, I have run at it like a bull at a gate. Rather than batten down the hatches and lick my wounds, like my darling cousin has recently suggested I should have, I desperately tried to fix myself. I abused alcohol. And exercise. I ignored the pain and I tried to power on through. It was my way of avoiding falling into a pile of decaying mess. I did achieve the latter goal but the former was unattainable. The skin may have grown over some of the wounds but the infection has grown underneath. Like dry rot in timber, I am infected.

My wake up call came to me on the weekend. An unlikely sequence of events sent me spiraling into the pit of despair again. I have not visited that hole for many months. I have been soldiering on relatively comfortably for some time but on the weekend I had a good friend let me down. He had good reason to and I respect his decision but I still felt abandoned. Then I had a social event to attend with people I generally don't see often. They all had the same questions for me and, listening to my own voice as I told my story time and time again, I was hit like a bolt of lightening with the realisation that I am utterly miserable. While I thought I was doing okay, I was wrong. It was all superficial bullshit.

So, on Monday I ended a relationship with someone I adore. He's been a friend to me over the last three years and was a rock when my life turned to shit. But, if I am honest, he was unhealthy for me. While he said all the right things he could not back them up with action. I have spent all of this year and the majority of last trying to wean myself off him. He had been a reliable crutch, propping me up from afar but never really there for me when I needed him. When I finally realised that this was going to continue ad nauseam, I took the path of self preservation. As a result, I am in pain. I am once again awash with sadness and feeling a sense of failure that I cannot budge.

I do not feel guilt or regret; just sadness. An emptiness and quiet has washed over me. Quite literally, the silence has created a void. The lack of text conversation during the day has made me realise how lost I am. 

I am now taking stock. I am focusing on the things that make me happy. I am reassessing all the relationships in my life. I am being totally honest with the people that I love. I accept that I love in many different ways and that most people don't understand that about me. I have found a peacefulness in my solitude. 

I have been keeping myself in this place because it is familiar. As uncomfortable and painful as it is, I have made my home here. My cesspool of filth has become entrenched in the way I operate. I have been brutally honest with myself this week.

I recently booked a holiday. Travel is important to me but I keep putting it off. I have been in a pattern of self sabotage and I am taking every step to remedy that.

I have had a number of lengthy conversations with my father recently. I have cried silently while he talks to me. He is a wise man and I am very grateful for his insight and perspective.

Change is hard. I've said it before and I am sure I will say it again. I find myself making progress only to slip back into old habits. I have to continually pull myself up on my behaviour. I struggle with putting priority on my needs. I find it very difficult to look after myself. This week I have done better - I have been eating well, trying to sleep more and exercising less. I have again picked up my books - after clearing my bedside table of the pile of novels and reference material I have been wanting to read I now have only one to focus on. I pulled my camera out of storage and will try to fit some photography into my weekend. I am trying to remember the things I was passionate about as a kid and reconnect with the activities that I love; those things that bring me peace and happiness.