Empty

I often feel empty. I miss my kids. I crave them.


But there is love in my life to fill some of the emptiness. I have a fantastic family (my sister is my rock) and some solid friends that I can rely on. And, whenever things get really bad, I always have the gym!

Waking early

I have read a LOT about sleep but I have not heard of either ascension symptoms or the body clock of Traditional Chinese Medicine.


I am intrigued and off to learn some more. Interesting stuff.

Weekly motivation - week 11 - Mindfulness

The practice of being aware of the moment is so hip right now. With its roots in ancient Buddhist practices, mindfulness is a way of finding acceptance through awareness. Concentration on the moment allows us to witness our thoughts and feelings without judgment. 

Mindfulness is touted as one of the best tools for recovery from all sorts of trauma and mental illness by psychologists as a component of CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) but you don't need to have depression or anxiety to get benefit from mindfulness.

Mindfulness has been clinically proven to reduce stress, improve memory, reduce blood pressure, improve the ability to cope with stress, aid digestion, improve stamina and bring greater satisfaction to relationships.

So, rather than reinvent the wheel, I rely on the wise words of one of my favourite humans, Thich Nhat Hanh to demonstrate the ways of mindfulness. Or you could try these tips.

Windows to health

My nails, hair and skin are not in great condition. I would like to blame months of anemia but I really cannot (though it is possibly a contributing factor that needs consideration, it is not the sole reason my nails flake, my hair falls out and my eyes are dull). I know my diet is not up to scratch and I need to do something about that. Seriously. I really need to get off my arse and formulate a better eating plan.


But that is not what this post is about. The focus here is on the knowledge I have gained in recent months. In speaking to various health professionals I have learned a great deal about nail health and how much you can tell about your internal organs from your eyes.


Now, I am a scientist. I was skeptical. But, the information gleaned from my eye assessment that the naturopath could not have possibly known floored me. I was astounded. She asked about my lymph nodes and whether I had problems (I had a major health scare in 2009 that saw me in the Epworth for a number of weeks where I had a 4cm lymph node removed from my neck and a plethora of scans showing enlarged lymph nodes throughout my body. Thankfully it turned out that it was not lymphoma (they still don't know the cause of that outburst)). She spoke about my poor digestion (I had recently changed my diet and transitions from a daily pooper to someone who visited the loo once a week). She asked about family history of diabetes (my Dad had diabetes insipidus for many years but one of the medications for his emphysema has cleared it up). She asked if I had menstrual problems (let's not even go there!!). She said that my lungs had been damaged when I was a kid (I had pneumonia when I was two and spent many weeks in hospital).


I am now a true convert to iridology!

Passion

It is no secret that I am dissatisfied at work. I am under utilized and bored much of the time.


I read this article on finding your passion. It contains a useful exercise in determining where your passion lies (not that I need it because I know where I want to be, I just don't know how to get there yet)

1. I like writing. In fact, I love writing
2. As a kid, I sought out people to help and spent a lot of my time trying to make people feel better about themselves. I picked up the kids that were being bullied and defended them. Then sat with them while they cried and tried to make them feel better.
3. I love to read non-fiction. Not much for a fluffy fairytale (let's not set ourselves up for disappointment), I like to learn. So I spend my time reading. I am drawn to psychology, health-related blogs and cooking.
4. I am never bored talking to people about things that really matter - poverty, environmental issues, equality, wholistic health.
5. I have a very small tribe. I have one friend who truly understands me and my cousin. My sister tries to but she struggles to understand the softness inside me

So, now I need to formulate a plan so I can make money writing about all the things that interest me.

Talent

I hate talented people. I don't, really, but they make me feel bad about my lack of achievement. My lack of devotion to a singular task is evident. But there are some extremely talented people in the world. And the world is a better place because of them.


Here is one.

Healing past hurts through life's little lessons

I read an article this morning that resonated deeply with me. I am all for self assessment and reflection as a means of improving my life; in particular my headspace.


Through the heartache of the last five years, I have come to see that, in life, the same test will resurface and continue to do so, until you pass it.

So, with this in mind, it is time for me to look at my life through a different lens. It is time to see what I am not learning so I can stop retracing the same steps over and over.

I cannot control other people. I cannot make them love me. I cannot, no matter how much I want it, make people treat me the way I treat them.

That is the lesson. Right there. In black and white. LEARN IT YOU STUPID BIATCH!

Focus

Feminazi

I cannot proclaim to be a feminist. I'm pro equality.


These two articles came to my attention in quick succession (from the same magazine, that should probably not be too surprising). It is refreshing that a men's publication is promoting women in such a positive and honest light.

If there was one thing that stuck with me in these two articles, it is that women talking a quarter of the time is considered equally balanced. What the actual fuck? And, if we ACTUALLY talk half of the time, we are considered to be dominating the conversation. Is that an accurate portrayal of our society?

This got me thinking. I consider myself to be pretty shy most of the times. My job requires me to talk in meetings, often times to exec (all males, I point out). My (female) boss recently took a secondment and I am temporarily reporting to another (male) manager in the department. Now, I wouldn't usually discern the gender of the person I report to. To me, it makes absolutely no difference. I have had male and female bosses in my time and the rating I give them is on performance not the classification of their private parts.

However, since my reporting lines have changed, I have been dumbfounded by the amount of times my boss points out how strong I was in a meeting; how vocal I am; that I don't appear to be "scared" (his word, not mine) of the Managing Director. Of course I am not fucking scared of the man! He may be three rungs up the ladder but he's still a person. My boss has also pointed out that he loves the fact that I am not afraid to speak up. I will stand up against idiocy to ensure the success of a project regardless of the stature of the person I am facing.


I thought that these things were why they paid me. I'm an analyst. It is my job to point out issues and obstacles. It is my job to highlight risks to senior management. I am expected to use my brain. Right?


But his reaction made me take a step back. Even in 2016, my behavior in the boardroom is considered strange. I find that terribly sad.

What to do when you're stuck

Watching Thor over the weekend the following line stuck in my head "When you find you no longer have all the answers; you start asking the right questions".

I am so far from having all the answers so it's about time I started asking myself some pertinent questions:
- Where do I see myself in one, two, five years?
- What makes me happy?
- What is important to me?
- What do I want to spend my time doing?
- What do I want to spend my money on?
- Where do I want to go? And with whom?
- Are my dreams worth pursuing? Or am I deluding myself?



I believe the answers to these questions are likely to lead me forward. It's time to be honest with myself. It's time to dig deep and answer the hard things to find true meaning.

Mummiversary

On this day twelve years ago I became a mummy. On that day, my heart was filled. The love I have for my son runs so deep. I am, quite literally, the luckiest mother in the world. I consider myself to be blessed beyond measure.


Happy birthday to my gorgeous boy xx

The figures are in

My boyfriend has let me use his Fitbit and, on the first night, it is showing some interesting information.

It is no wonder I feel zonked. There's less "awake" time than I thought but it presents a pretty startling view of my night. And last night was one of the better nights - hate to see it when I have what I would consider a restless night.

Little things

I strongly believe that it is the little things that matter in life. A cup of tea. A hug. A smile. A kiss on the forehead from the one that you love. And hot air balloons gracing the sky as you walk back to work after a hard session at the gym

Weekly motivation week 10 - Gratitude

Being grateful has received a lot of noise lately. It's a buzzword that is not likely to leave us soon. Gratitude has been touted as a way to escape the negatives of the consumer-driven world we live in. But, unlike the wheat grass fad, it will hopefully stick around. Based on positive psychology, gratitude has been proven to increase not only our happiness but our well-being.  

The act of acknowledging what are you grateful for and showing an appreciation for those things leads to greater satisfaction with life. People who show gratitude are generally better at controlling their life - they know what makes them happy and they tend to seek that out. Showing gratitude has been proven to help people avoid stressful situations. Furthermore, grateful people are more likely to be able to cope with stress when it does occur. Because gratitude reduces negative thinking, people who practice this technique have stronger mental health and lower rates of depression.

While grateful thoughts are good, it has been proven that writing about what you are grateful for has even greater benefits.

Keep in mind that someone is happy with a lot less than you have. 

What are you grateful for right now? What is going right in your life? What are you thankful for? Looking back in time, what are you grateful for in the past? 

Life is a sequence of choices

Life is defined by choice. Not red dress, black dress kind of choices but real choice. Study after school or get a job, marry or don't, have children or not. The sequence of choices lays the path for your life. Looking back you are either proud or ashamed of your choices.

I can honestly say I'm not proud of many of the choices I have made. I could've made more money if I skipped the fiver years at uni. My double degree means nothing and it took me nearly a decade after I finished to pay it off.

I should have travelled more. There's so much to see in the world.

I shouldn't have waited for all the things I wanted. I have lost so many years of my life waiting. While I know that you can't always have something straight away; I have been too patient. I think people see my kindness as weakness and they feel like they can just leave me hanging as a result. I'm not good at standing up for myself. I'm weak. I'm foolish and I get taken advantage of as a result.

Thing is, I have no idea how to change that without becoming a bitch. How do you forcefully stand up for yourself without being awful?

Big sis

My big sister is amazing. Though I cannot claim that she drove me around when she got her licence; she has been pretty incredible. I am so lucky to have my sister as my friend.

The big C

Last month I found a lump on my right breast. This month, when the lumps was still there, I made an appointment with the GP expecting that she'd tell me all was okay. But she didn't. Instead she said there were actually two lumps and I need to get an ultrasound. Stat.

Being a long weekend in Melbourne, the first appointment I can get is for Tuesday. It really is going to be a long weekend.

The thing everyone's talking about

On International Women's Day, Kim Kardashian West posted a naked selfie on Instagram. The world went crazy. Celebs came out of the woodwork commenting about the photo. There were copycats and it was what over 1.5 million people were talking about, including Ellen.

On International Women's Day, the world responded not in favour of brains and skill but on the nudity of a rich chick. And we've seen it all before! It's not new. Kim has no issue showing off her body and has done on a number of occasions. In fact, her website opens with a naked picture (with a strategic few streaks of paint) of Kim seductively leaning back on the scorched earth (which must be so comfortable and, no doubt, sexy).  Good on her for being proud of her body. But the caption under her most recent post ("When you're like I have nothing to wear LOL") doesn't even have correct grammar!!

This women is naked in her marble-clad bathroom; hair and makeup on fleek and complaining to the world (where she's in the richest one percent) that she has nothing to wear. Fucking completely disrespectful.

I suppose I should not expect much from a woman who's fame stems from a leaked sex tape but, sheesh! Show some class. Surely she can afford to buy some? Isn't there anyone that can offer this delusional, self absorbed society some direction? There's a business opportunity if ever I have seen one.

Pink's International Women's Day tweet sums up my views on this point better than I can

Practice

Love this

Melbourne shines

Melbourne in all her glory

Dick sand

My sister and I went to see How to Be Single on the weekend. I love Rebel Wilson - her humor and execution is incredible. She brings so much life and energy to the screen that she is a joy to watch. In one scene, she talks about dick sand. Like quicksand, dick sand is when a woman falls for all the bullshit that the guy she's seeing says.


While I laughed out loud at Rebel's explanation of dick sand but the gravity of the point she was making was not lost on me. Being a trusting person, I tend to lean on the gullible side of life. But this cute analogy is so succinct and accurate in it's description that it hit home. Hard.


It reminds me of Katy Perry's line in Roar 'I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything'. I saw SUCKER in bright white flashing light in front of me during that scene. Rebel talks about knowing yourself enough to not lose yourself when you are in a relationship. 


Guilty as charged.


This is something I have desperately tried to fight in my current relationship. I have actively considered every decision I have made, knowing that I have made decisions in the past just to please my partner. Loving someone means wanting them to be happy. It should not mean losing yourself in the process. I have constantly pushed back on myself to ensure that I don't lose my essence. Yet I look back and I see that nothing much has changed. I can see the dick sand this time but I still step into it.


Watching that movie got me thinking. My man wanted to get married and spent weeks trying to get me to see why that would be great. I come around to the idea and then nothing. Dick sand. At the start of our relationship he talked about buying a place together near the city and renovating it; having babies and creating a life for us together. Then nothing. Dick sand. He took me on so many shopping trips looking for an engagement ring. Fourteen months later.... nothing. Dick sand.


When he is busy at work and asks for help, I drop  everything to help him. When I ask for something he will often wait an hour to respond (by which time I have already worked it out myself). Dick sand.


When he wants coffee, I let me tea go cold and join him. Dick sand.


Even today, when my man said he was looking for a place to have coffee I immediately stopped what I was doing and dedicated ten minutes to find somewhere for him. He ignored every message I sent. So absorbed in his own day, he had already found a place. And I was left feeling like a dick.


Dick sand.


I just keep falling into it.


I struggled for so long to find who I am, to regain my confidence and to make sure that I was honest in my appraisal of myself that I don't want to let that go. So, the last couple of days have included a lot of deep reflection for me and an assessment of my current situation and analysis of what I actually want from my life right now.  The jury is still out - some further thinking is required - but I am can see now how vulnerable I still am (even after all my hard work to regain myself following separation and divorce). Awareness brings with it a certain power. I can now look for instances where I am falling into old habits and make steps to correct this.


Baby steps around the dick sand. No more leaping straight into it for me!!

International Women's Day

I am reliably informed (Facebook told me) that today is International Women's Day. I'm all for equality, don't get me wrong but  this led me to think, is there an International Men's Day. And there is! Yay!


Now I can happily celebrate women, knowing that in November I can celebrate men (and I lurve men!!). So, here's to peace, liberty and justice to all. No. Wait, that's not right. Here's to women having the same power as men - in the playground, at work and in society in general. May we raise strong women who believe that their opinion matters. May they find their passion, follow their dreams and live in safety.


Here's in celebration of all the great women who have brought us so much - Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Mary Wollstonecraft, Margaret Fuller, Marie Curie, Florence Nightingale, Elizabeth Blackwell, Harriet Tubman, Amelia Earhart, Maya Angelou, Millicent Fawcett, Helen Keller, Coco Chanel, Eleanor Roosevelt,  Eva Peron, Audrey Hepburn (for UNICEF not acting), Germaine Greer, Jane Goodall, Odette Sansom and Indira Gandhi. The world would be a very different place without these influential women who have graced the earth and fought for equal rights, made scientific breakthroughs, spread joy and generally made our lives better for having existed. Cheers!

Fusion

This is fusion at it's best.

Sleep to get thin

Further to my weekly inspiration post about an evening routine, this little gem about sleep facilitating weight loss adds fuel to the "get some sleep, bitch" fire.


I know that sleep is a major issue for me. Partly conditioning and partly my inability to cope with stress (yes, I see the circular issue where poor sleep makes it harder to cope which increases stress which makes it harder to sleep which makes it harder to cope with the stress); sleep is an area I desperately need to focus on.


I can see that my superwoman complex is also contributing to my problem. I want to have it all. I want to be invincible. But, alas, I am not!


It is time to face the music (before it is too late and I succumb to illness again) and find a way to get more sleep. Though I have taken steps recently to follow my dreams there is more work required to ensure that I find peace that leads me to the land of nod.


My jeans need me to. The pressure on my vastly expansive waistline when I try to don them is reason enough that I need to get more sleep. And not the kind that is marred by nightmares which leaves me less refreshed than before I entered the land of nod.

Consent

This came across my news feed on Facebook. Akin to the UK version, this video aims to get the message of consent across to teens. While I am all for anything that might reduce the rates of rape and sexual assault, I think we are missing the point. Our children are, obviously, inconsiderate fucks.


If they are getting to their teens and are not aware that no means no we have seriously missed the mark. Our children need to be taught from a very young age (think toddlerhood) that people are entitled to say no to anything pertaining to their own body. It is the starting point of respect, surely?


How are our children getting to be young adults without this basic understanding? It continues to astound me.

Weekly motivation week 9 - Evening routine

Like a morning routine, a nighttime ritual prepares your body for the restorative benefits of sleep. It's no secret that sleep is important. It improves memory, attention span, cognitive abilities (therefore less risk of injury), rational thinking and reasoning. Sleep promotes creativity. Sleep affects our quality of life by improving our ability to deal with stressful situations, increasing brain plasticity and reducing the likelihood of depression and anxiety. Sleep sets us up to be healthy from the inside - it is paramount to heart health, promotes skin cell rejuvenation (thereby making you look younger), reduces inflammation and decreases blood pressure. Moreover, sleep helps build muscle more easily. Sleep also reduces the risks of obesity, diabetes and infections. Extrapolate this further and you will see that those with high quality sleep are less prone to colon and breast cancers. Therefore, the right amount of sleep actually helps you live longer. (Not to mention that those who have high quality sleep have more sex (this can probably be correlated to healthier testosterone levels in men which are promoted with sleep)).

If you want to be healthy, sleep cannot be ignored.

Is your evening routine sufficient to set you up for the land of nod? Going to bed at around the same time helps condition your body for sleep. Journaling can help rid your mind of negative thoughts before you turn off the lights.

Or is there something you could do to aid the transition from day to night? Meditation, chamomile tea, a warm bath with epsom salts, burn lavender oil, play soothing music, practice deep breathing and reading/listening to books on tape have all been reported to assist in falling asleep. Staying hydrated during the day (but not too close to bed time) can also help promote a fast transition to sleep.

What can you do to ensure you get quality rest at the end of a busy day? Exercising early in the day can help, as can exposure to sunlight during the day.

Are there changes to your sleeping environment you can make to ensure more comfort? Do you need to invest in a new pillow? Is the doona the right warmth rating for the season? Does your bedroom need to be de-cluttered to encourage the right head space when you go to bed?  Reducing ambient light, removing electronics and setting the temperature to between 15 and 19 degrees Celcius all assist in promoting good sleep. Weighted blankets are also said to improve sleep.

Flat lining

Sleeplessness is getting progressively worse. I'm obsessing about my worth. Like a ring on my left hand will somehow prove that I'm a good person! It's fucking ludicrous. Logically I know I'm a moron but I can't help it. My mind keeps asking over and over - "what are you waiting for?" (cue Ellie Goulding).

I feel like my relationship has flat lined. We're not going anywhere. We're treading water. Covering the same ground month on month with no plans for forward projection. Static and gathering moss, I wait. And wait. And wait.

Islands of gore

With the increasing stress in my life lately, I have acquired a new nervous habit. I pick at my nail polish (detaching it forcibly from the nail bed) resulting in chips of nail polish on my lap and leaving islands of gore on the ends of my fingers in the wake of my destruction.

Thanks to iron deficiency last year, the unhealthy state of my nails means I cannot confidently go to work with naked nails. Ergo I am now restricted to selecting pale shades of nail polish. No more bold blues or roaring reds (and black is definitely out!). It's nude, pale and pastel pink only for me until I can retrain my brain.

Even with pale polish the result of my actions is not appealing, just less obvious.

FriYAY!

Thanks to Self Magazine for this beautiful image that popped into my Instagram feed. I am so thankful today is Friday!

Body changes

We all have fat days. You know, pre-menstrual or menstrual and feeling like shit? I am in the midst of that at the moment. Last night as I drove home from work I could actually FEEL my stomach wobble as I crossed the tram tracks. Water retention is my best friend at the moment. It is unattractive and leaves me feeling sorry for myself, depressed and very unappealing.


But reading this today made me reflect on how important perspective is. If I look at my body with a snapshot right now I am mortified. But if I look back on my body last week, it was okay. And next week it will be okay again. I just have to ride out this natural cycle.

Emotional eating - time to face facts

I've struggled with emotional eating all my life. I turn to (or away from) food when I am stressed. Cutting the ties to emotional eating is harder than longitudinally slicing a carrot.


Logically, I know that food does not hold the answer. I know that I should not seek comfort through my stomach. I know that the resultant guilt that comes from emotional eating far outweighs the instant gratification I receive from indulging. I know that I have to be careful as I have seen family members and friends slip into the world of eating disorder. I know all that, yet I still do it.


By the very nature of it, comfort food brings with it a sense of satisfaction and release. Like a warm hug, dairy and starch carbs bring me a rush of endorphins. I feel momentarily better about the shitty thing that led me to seek respite in the sanctity of the kitchen.


But it is not healthy, neither physically nor emotionally, to seek condolence from a doughnut and thick shake. They cannot solve my problems. Neither option helps me grow (apart from out of my clothing). Dairy will not stand by me. It merely leads to bloating and weight gain.


They say understanding and acknowledgement is the first step in any change process. I understand the reasons I turn to food (I feel alone in the world, I am overwhelmed, I am stressed). I also acknowledge that food is not the answer. In fact, turning to food is counterproductive to my goals of a healthy lifestyle. If only I found solace in carrot sticks.....


However, I am smart enough to see that drinking milk leaves me physically unwell. My tummy swells and I get abdominal pains. I am well overdue to break up with dairy. Like a really good lover, I have allowed dairy to come back into my life over and over again for the cheap thrill and fleeting satisfaction it brings me. But, like a lover, dairy is not a keeper. It is time for me to stop sleeping around and be an adult about this. No more teenage behavior. No more sneaking around to hook up with something that is bad for me. I have made a conscious decision that I don't want that unhealthy relationship anymore. I am severing ties. Akin to deleting and blocking a toxic man from my phone, I am removing dairy from my life. I will resist temptation. I am determined to remain firm. I know that I can be a strong-willed person when I set my mind to something. That time is well overdue. This is my open letter to dairy.


Dear dairy,


You have served me well over the years. You have pulled me through some of my darkest times. You have provided me great comfort when I was all alone. Your ice creamy goodness has cooled me on hot days. Your hot chocolatey heaven has warmed me to my core in winter. Your thick vanilla custard has comforted me. Your yoghurt has been a breakfast favourite; starting some of my most difficult days. And milk, you have covered my cereal, soaked into my oats and padded out my thick shakes.


But, my old flame, you no longer have a place in my diet. I am stronger than I have ever been and I don't need you anymore.


Thank you for the good times we have had. I will remember you fondly (but, when things get bad, and I look to you for solace I will remember the terrible things you did to me - the bloating, the cramps, the constipation - and I will chose not to go back to that).


Love me

Nature always wins

These collection of images graced my phone screen and I could not resist sharing them. They demonstrate the tenacity of nature. The sheer determination of life to persevere in the face of adversity shines through these images

Shortly afterward, I read this article. I love it when nature gives a big "fuck you" to the world. The black tip shark cares not a wit that Florida beaches are teeming with tourists. They are going to migrate anyway.

Best gym tees

The following are a collection of gym tees that I would love to have in my wardrobe. Nothing like a little comedy when you are sweating your tush off.

Revelations

I've been waiting for my man to propose for over a year. Marriage was not something I initially wanted. But my man convinced me slowly, respectfully and conclusively over a few months that it would be amazing. The day I came to realise it was something I would dearly like to do, I told him and he was elated. We were both glowing for weeks!
Early last year there were multiple ring shopping excursions, discussions about styles, materials, design, shape and the like. My man bought wedding mags home and was talking about a beachfront venue.  Then nothing. Late last year he dragged me into a jeweler to be resized again. Then nothing.
This morning I had a revelation. While in the shower after the gym (not a pretty time for anyone least of all a mere mortal like myself) I realised that I wouldn't want to marry me either. At nearly forty, I don't have my shit together and, while I am motivated, I am not "successful" in the traditional sense of the word. I have a stable job but not really what I would call a career. I am generally fit and healthy but nothing to write home about. I am not stupid but I am not the smartest kid in the class.
This revelation has spurred an internal evaluation of myself. My progress over the last four years has been significant but the emotional upheaval and subsequent personal development that has resulted has left me little energy to devote to career growth (or any other growth for that matter).
Background processing today has, therefore, been on assessing the issues that need attention. There are a number of key areas I want to focus on. Herein is my plan:
- Self development: I would like to try to read a book a month for the remainder of the year. I used to love reading and I miss it but other priorities always seem to get in the way. A new nighttime ritual is required to get half an hour of reading in each night before sleep
- Professional development: Last year I enrolled in a Diploma of Project Management. I now have twelve months in which to complete this. I need to dedicate every second Friday afternoon while the kids are doing school work to do my studies to complete the qualification
- Spiritual development: Mindfulness and gratitude are going to be my focus. I have dabbled in meditation with limited success in the past so I would like to give this some more attention. Once my knee has healed (I have a torn popliteal), I will get back into yoga.
- Physical development: I will continue to work towards my ideal body.
- Health: Clean eating, routine exercise and plenty of water. I am weaning myself off dairy.
- Financial security: A regular savings routine is required to ensure I can take the kids on holidays once a year. I need to cut frivolous spending too.
Now I find myself faced with a plan, I feel like I can move forward (regardless of whether there's a marriage proposal on the horizon or not).