Revelations

I've been waiting for my man to propose for over a year. Marriage was not something I initially wanted. But my man convinced me slowly, respectfully and conclusively over a few months that it would be amazing. The day I came to realise it was something I would dearly like to do, I told him and he was elated. We were both glowing for weeks!
Early last year there were multiple ring shopping excursions, discussions about styles, materials, design, shape and the like. My man bought wedding mags home and was talking about a beachfront venue.  Then nothing. Late last year he dragged me into a jeweler to be resized again. Then nothing.
This morning I had a revelation. While in the shower after the gym (not a pretty time for anyone least of all a mere mortal like myself) I realised that I wouldn't want to marry me either. At nearly forty, I don't have my shit together and, while I am motivated, I am not "successful" in the traditional sense of the word. I have a stable job but not really what I would call a career. I am generally fit and healthy but nothing to write home about. I am not stupid but I am not the smartest kid in the class.
This revelation has spurred an internal evaluation of myself. My progress over the last four years has been significant but the emotional upheaval and subsequent personal development that has resulted has left me little energy to devote to career growth (or any other growth for that matter).
Background processing today has, therefore, been on assessing the issues that need attention. There are a number of key areas I want to focus on. Herein is my plan:
- Self development: I would like to try to read a book a month for the remainder of the year. I used to love reading and I miss it but other priorities always seem to get in the way. A new nighttime ritual is required to get half an hour of reading in each night before sleep
- Professional development: Last year I enrolled in a Diploma of Project Management. I now have twelve months in which to complete this. I need to dedicate every second Friday afternoon while the kids are doing school work to do my studies to complete the qualification
- Spiritual development: Mindfulness and gratitude are going to be my focus. I have dabbled in meditation with limited success in the past so I would like to give this some more attention. Once my knee has healed (I have a torn popliteal), I will get back into yoga.
- Physical development: I will continue to work towards my ideal body.
- Health: Clean eating, routine exercise and plenty of water. I am weaning myself off dairy.
- Financial security: A regular savings routine is required to ensure I can take the kids on holidays once a year. I need to cut frivolous spending too.
Now I find myself faced with a plan, I feel like I can move forward (regardless of whether there's a marriage proposal on the horizon or not).