Cyclone warning

Holy fuck.  I feel like shit today.

I am absolutely shattered. I am surrounded by chaos.  Every time I think I have hit the darkest point something manages to turn the lights down a bit more.  I am overwhelmed.  The cascade of shit is coming at me from every angle.

I was just beginning to feel like I had a handle on things. It was still a daily struggle but one that I could work through.  I had coping strategies in place and was just managing to keep my head above water.  However, a combination of events on Sunday and yesterday have me reeling again.  The cyclone has hit and I am swirling round and round in circles achieving nothing. 

I get advice from every motherfucker and while I appreciate the intention behind it sometimes it is just not helpful.  I know I am in a cesspool of filth.  Pointing it out serves no purpose. And, unlike the proverbial old dog, I just cannot seem to learn new tricks.  My intelligence has gone AWOL and I want it back.  I used to be able to plan, organise and think ahead.  Now I struggle to make simple decisions - down to what to have on a bagel!

My kids are, and always have been, a ray of sunshine in my day.  Lately, however, I have been missing the mark with them too. I just cannot seem to connect to them at the moment.  They are fragile, argumentative and angry.  I know that all these emotions are normal and natural. The hard thing is following through with actions that are in their best interest even when what I want is contrary to that.  When every fiber of my being just wants to act differently, I will take the steps against the prevailing winds that mean that my children are protected. I will stand out in the rain.  I will dry myself off and hope that I come out of it a little cleaner.  Furthermore, I will teach them the skills I am learning at the moment and they will be better equipped for life as a result. 

Following recent events, I wrote a very carefully worded and painfully constructed e-mail overnight and sent it off to their father this morning.  I am dreading the fallout but I am a mother first and foremost and I will continue to do what is best for my children for the rest of their lives.  When it comes down to it, this is not about me and, while it causes me ultimate sadness to be apart from them, my children are my priority. 

I know I was no use to them previously.  I was a shell of a being who was checking out of life in order to cope.  I just hope that, with time, they will understand the reason behind my decisions.  I keep having to remind myself that they are better off having a happy, healthy and emotionally available mother on a daily basis from afar than having an unhappy, unhealthy, emotionally unavailable zombie in their house. And the time we spend together now is just so beautiful.  We laugh, play and have fun.  I was not like that with them previously.

One of my problems is that I am not a patient person.  I hate waiting.  I need to constantly remind myself that some things are worth the wait.  My children are intelligent, considerate and reasonable (they get that from their Mum!).  In time they will see that I have stood by them, supported them and never left their side.  I may not be close geographically but I am now emotionally available.  I am putting up walls all over the place but there will never be anything between me and my children.  I will fight against them when they construct walls and I will tear them down like the vines that try to pull me back.  I am determined as fuck.  This is one fight I will not back down from.  There are battles I will lose but I am going to win this war.