Worth in a free market

At the heart of personality is the need
to feel a sense of being lovable without
having to qualify for that acceptance.
Paul Tournier

On the surface it may look like I have something to offer the world.  However, I have never been a confident person.  I have very little self esteem and no self worth.  I am constantly fighting the demons inside my head.  It is a circular argument: if I was worthy I would be treated better but if I was treated better then perhaps I would believe I was worthy. 

However, because I am a scientist I cannot ignore the evidence.  No matter how I look at it, the truth is glaringly obvious.  Although I'd like to think that I am worthy of playing the leading role, I actually deserve nothing more than a bit part.  Moreover, I'm actually a fill in.  An understudy.  A temporary distraction.  A conquest that, once won, no longer has a purpose. 

Worth in a capitalist society with a free market is determined by what people are willing to pay.  And while I am not necessarily talking in monetary terms, evidence would suggest that my worth waivers between nil and negative value.  In fact, I should 'pay' for the privilege to spend time with people.  The longer I spend with them, the more it costs.  

My previous dreams of a loving family unit have been shattered and will never be reformed.  I have accepted that.  I adore my children and I am heartbroken by the circumstance we are in but I have accepted that I fought a major battle to retain that dream and I lost.  I can hold my head up knowing that I did everything I possibly could and went beyond what would be reasonable to expect anyone to do to keep that together.  I fought for years longer than I should have in an attempt to hold onto those dreams.  Not only for me but for my children.  I have accepted that.  I know that there is nothing more I could have done to hold it all together.  I accept that there are consequences for that choice despite how much I hate them.

I realised yesterday what I want in life.  I am, however, powerless to get it.  I love love.  I find it very easy to love people.  I find it immensely difficult to find people who meet my standards but loving them once I find them is easy.  I am willing and capable of unconditional love (perhaps that is the very reason I get mistreated).  I am saddened that I am not worthy of that in return.  I am saddened that, at the root of my inner self, I am not worthy of people's time; of their affection and their ongoing companionship.  I end up looking pitiful.   A little lost puppy hanging around and waiting for scraps.

Accepting that is going to take a long time because, at the heart I am a romantic and I want to be loved.  I am not expecting someone to take on my shit.  I am not looking for a father for my children - they already have one and he's a pretty damn good Dad.  I am not looking for someone to do stuff for me; I am pretty self reliant.   I don't want someone attached to my hip but I do want to be hugged and kissed; I believe touch is healthy.  I don't expect 24/7 attention either, I am a mother and my children are my priority.  Plus, I have my own interests and I don't ever want to lose sight of that.  I like spending time with my friends and I would want anyone in my life to do the same.  I never again want to be stifled nor would I want to do that to someone else.  Freedom is important and healthy.

I want to find someone who accepts me for me, despite my many flaws, and wants to spend time with me anyway. Someone who is willing to put in a little effort to meet my needs occasionally.  I am a pretty generous person and I don't think I am unreasonable in my requests.  I do not expect to be cherished or worshiped.  I do no expect gifts or pampering.  I do, however, expect not to be trampled on.  I deserve to be treated with respect.