Self reliance

I love Pink.  I think she's awesome - intelligent, interesting, insightful, honest and talented.  I love that she inspires me to rethink things.  I know I have a screwed up headspace.  I accept that most of the issues I have are in my head.  I know that I have a lot of work ahead of me.  I know that I will be forever scarred, damaged and, perhaps, unlovable as a result.

I also know that "I don't need no jean to take care of me".  Sure, there are plenty of things I hope for in the future - love, compassion and respect - but monetary support is not something I need.  I don't expect anyone to pay for me.  Ever.  Is it lovely and sweet if someone does?  Hell yes!  But I have zero expectation on other people.  I have no sense of entitlement.

I have no issues in paying for other people.  I do it as frequently as I can afford to.  It brings me great joy.  I wish I could afford to do it more often to be honest.

Following a comment from one of my most treasured friends earlier in the week, when I take a step back and critically analyse myself perhaps I don't scrub up too badly.  I realised today that I am not like most women.  Not only do I have zero expectation for someone to pay my way; I am pretty self-reliant too.  I can mow the lawns (in fact, apart from the wipper snipper part, I actually like mowing).  I can change a light globe, a fuse and a tyre.  I can make minor modifications around the house.  I have no issue with carrying heavy stuff or with getting dirty (when appropriately attired) and I have even learnt to deal with spiders!  I   can give myself a (passable) french manicure.  I hold a professional job.  I love wholeheartedly; once someone holds a space in my heart I will love them forever.  Not necessarily in the same capacity, relationships change over time, but I will never let them go. I am loyal. I am dedicated.  I am determined.  I truly care about people.  I want good things for the people I love; whether it is with me or not.  And, according to interactions in the last few months, apparently I have a sense of humour too; something I was not aware of previously.

When I came to the realisation today that I might have something to offer the world, despite my broken state, I found a sense of relief.  Acceptance of my current predicament is easier when I take objective stock of my 'skills'.  I have been pleasantly surprised at what I have been able to come up with.  I will, no doubt, need to constantly remind myself of the results of my investigation as my confidence constantly waivers but I continue to see more light.