I have recently spent a lot of time looking back over previous relationships. They all follow the same pattern. The guy finds me beautiful and funny. He can't keep his hands off me; wants to spend lots of time with me. He gets to know me and that pattern continues. Until something happens. I don't know what. Then it's like a switch is flicked and that all changes.
I am a scientist first and foremost. I work on evidence and the evidence stacks up pretty high on this one. I can only assume that, once they actually see the real me, I don't stack up. They have this illusion in their head about the person I am and I can't actually meet their expectations.
I know I can be needy, I know I get jealous but I am human. I am not infallible. I never claim to be perfect, although I do tend to have perfectionist traits. Apparently I am cold and confrontational too. I had no idea. In fact, I would have said the exact opposite - I hate conflict and avoid it like the plague.
Perhaps it is that the veneer is attractive but what's underneath is so broken and battered that it's just not worth it. What they initially find irresistible is paper-thin at best and tears with the slightest touch.
Perhaps it is that, when I love someone, I love them unconditionally. They can sniff that shit out and take advantage of that. They know that I am loyal and dedicated so they run with it and see how much they can get away with. And, because I love them, I let them. I don't put up boundaries or enforce rules. I don't make demands on their time or behaviours. As a result they do what they want when they want. I enable them to pick and choose. For them, it's all conditional.
For example: I ask, are you free on Thursday? They respond with what did you have in mind? Rather than push the matter, I oblige. They then have the ability to decide whether my plans are worthy of their time. It's not that they actually want to spend time with me. It's that what I have in mind is something they want to do.
This has me rethinking the way that I am. To be honest, I don't want to change. I have finally started to come around to the fact that I like who I am. But I m sick of being treated like this. It is heartbreaking and soul destroying. And it shatters my fragile, minute fragments of self esteem. It reinforces to me that the essence of me is unlovable. That the true heart of me is fundamentally flawed.
If I want to be treated differently; with respect, love and affection that lasts more than a couple of months then I need to address this shit. I need to get to the bottom of what is wrong with me and fix it. What is it that makes men turn off all the things I love? The random touches, the hugs, the sneaky kisses, the email/text conversations. the desire to spend time with me (and putting in the effort to initiate same). Why is it that the compliments stop? Am I so rotten on the inside that what attracted them to me in the first place is no longer pretty? Do my personality flaws mean that my physical attractiveness diminishes over time? And what is it about me that makes people think it's ok to consistently let me down? From friends who make plans and cancel at the last minute, to those that make promises to call/email/Skype and never follow through. I believe they all have the same basis. They say these things to appease me, to shut me up but actually have no intention of following through. I need to put an end to it. I don't cope well with disappointment. I'd rather be told the truth straight up. I can't handle uncertainty. My imagination is incredible (trust me, no one wants to know what's going on in my head) and I, while I am sure it doesn't stack up to the reality, I would prefer to know the truth. I need to get that message across effectively as it is a self protective mechanism.
So, I am going to try to explore this further. I am going to seek out answers through experimentation. Science holds the answer. I just need to sharpen up those skills again as I have not used them in years.
I am a scientist first and foremost. I work on evidence and the evidence stacks up pretty high on this one. I can only assume that, once they actually see the real me, I don't stack up. They have this illusion in their head about the person I am and I can't actually meet their expectations.
I know I can be needy, I know I get jealous but I am human. I am not infallible. I never claim to be perfect, although I do tend to have perfectionist traits. Apparently I am cold and confrontational too. I had no idea. In fact, I would have said the exact opposite - I hate conflict and avoid it like the plague.
Perhaps it is that the veneer is attractive but what's underneath is so broken and battered that it's just not worth it. What they initially find irresistible is paper-thin at best and tears with the slightest touch.
Perhaps it is that, when I love someone, I love them unconditionally. They can sniff that shit out and take advantage of that. They know that I am loyal and dedicated so they run with it and see how much they can get away with. And, because I love them, I let them. I don't put up boundaries or enforce rules. I don't make demands on their time or behaviours. As a result they do what they want when they want. I enable them to pick and choose. For them, it's all conditional.
For example: I ask, are you free on Thursday? They respond with what did you have in mind? Rather than push the matter, I oblige. They then have the ability to decide whether my plans are worthy of their time. It's not that they actually want to spend time with me. It's that what I have in mind is something they want to do.
This has me rethinking the way that I am. To be honest, I don't want to change. I have finally started to come around to the fact that I like who I am. But I m sick of being treated like this. It is heartbreaking and soul destroying. And it shatters my fragile, minute fragments of self esteem. It reinforces to me that the essence of me is unlovable. That the true heart of me is fundamentally flawed.
If I want to be treated differently; with respect, love and affection that lasts more than a couple of months then I need to address this shit. I need to get to the bottom of what is wrong with me and fix it. What is it that makes men turn off all the things I love? The random touches, the hugs, the sneaky kisses, the email/text conversations. the desire to spend time with me (and putting in the effort to initiate same). Why is it that the compliments stop? Am I so rotten on the inside that what attracted them to me in the first place is no longer pretty? Do my personality flaws mean that my physical attractiveness diminishes over time? And what is it about me that makes people think it's ok to consistently let me down? From friends who make plans and cancel at the last minute, to those that make promises to call/email/Skype and never follow through. I believe they all have the same basis. They say these things to appease me, to shut me up but actually have no intention of following through. I need to put an end to it. I don't cope well with disappointment. I'd rather be told the truth straight up. I can't handle uncertainty. My imagination is incredible (trust me, no one wants to know what's going on in my head) and I, while I am sure it doesn't stack up to the reality, I would prefer to know the truth. I need to get that message across effectively as it is a self protective mechanism.
So, I am going to try to explore this further. I am going to seek out answers through experimentation. Science holds the answer. I just need to sharpen up those skills again as I have not used them in years.
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