Life is full of choices

Sometimes we make the wrong ones and have to live with them. Sometimes life just sucks.

Kingdom of isolation

I took my daughter to see Frozen recently.  It's the typical bullshit Disney creation fairy tale crap that leads young girls to believe that true love will find them and set them free.

But, as is often the case when under stimulated, I got to thinking.  I think I have possibly swung too far in the other direction. I am so sceptical about men and love that I discount it for everyone but that is not the case.

I watched my two cousins with their respective partners at Christmas and my heart glowed for them. I know it is but a snippet of their lives, I realise that there is always more to a relationship than people present externally but it gave me fresh perspective. Unprovoked these men approached their women to hug or kiss them. I had forgotten that was a thing. They both helped clear plates and their faces were fillies with joy as the girls opened their gifts.

I have been stuck in a certain mindset for so long I had forgotten that there are people in the world that actually care about other people (family doesn't count in this scenario). I was in a kingdom of isolation in my marriage and I let that carry forward afterwards.

I have been like Elsa from Frozen for so long - “Conceal, don't feel. Don't let them know" - that I had actually forgotten that there are good people out there. This reminded me of something my psychologist had repeatedly said, until I am ready to bring down my walls and show people who I really am I will continue to attract the wrong type of person.

To be brutally honest I have been so scared to demolish my protective barrier because I did not like what lay behind it. But my epiphany on Christmas morning has me confident enough to do so. Sure, I will likely get hurt but I hurt easily anyway.

Like Granpa Troll says - "The heart cannot be easily changed but the head can."
It is time to pull down the shield (no doubt it will go back up many times intermittently until it can stay down permanently). Mans is out at all times, no longer just for interspersed snippets.

Bootylicious

A friend of a friend made a comment recently "anyone who has the opportunity to wake next to you, especially with that arse, and doesn't is a total dick". Now, I have known this person for a long time. He knows me well and his comment made me laugh.

One of my favs of the Destiny's Child collection is Booytlicious. Notwithstanding the fact that I would love a top like the one Beyonce wears in the clip, the sentiment of the song is good for building self esteem. Let me be clear, I am not encouraging entitlement here. I do not like princesses. I do not endorse expectations placed on others. However, everyone should have standards. And have the self respect to stick to them. Set whatever standards you want, according to your own criteria but do not settle for someone that is not worthy of you, who does not treat you the way you want to be treated. Doing so will make you feel less important and, more than likely, unhappy.

Women, there is a shortage of quality men. Many are lazy and have little pride in their appearance. They have fucking ridiculous demands for their women yet expect that they can do whatever the fuck they want and have us waiting for them when they get home. Not on.

Again I say set your standards and stick to them. Find what you are unwilling to put up with then do not allow someone to push your boundaries.

And, remember, your body is bootylicious. Bootylicious is not just sex appeal, though that does form part of it. The essence of being bootylicious is not related to size either. It is a feeling, a sense of confidence and happiness in your own skin. Be proud of the person you are. Chase your dreams, fall madly in love, use your body, love it and let it love others. Don't be afraid of it and never be ashamed of it. Your body is your best asset. Look after it. Because, like one of the indiscernable cosmetic companies proclaims " you're worth it".

Casual sex

I read and article this morning. I don't want to link to it and promote it because I don't think is worthy. It was  a proponent for abstinence. I have no problem with people waiting until marriage to have sex. I have a problem suggesting that is the only course of action. There are plenty of people that don't marry but choose to live in committed defacto relationships. There are people that struggle to find someone they want to marry.

I believe that sex is special. I have never had sex with someone I don't love. I could never have a one night stand. I don't judge those that do. It's just not for me. I have body image issues and, on top of that, once I give someone my vagina they also have my heart. I hold both in very high regard and choose very carefully those that have access to either.

But I am in the minority. Most people are happy to shag someone they have just met. Good for them. Sex is a healthy thing and not something to be ashamed of. I have issues with promiscuity that is unsafe - unprotected sex with a stranger in an alley when drunk as a skunk is probably not the smartest move.

I know that my choices around sex is possibly one of the reasons men find me in attractive but I am done changing for others. I love sex. I miss it. But I am not about to hop in bed with someone to get my needs met because that is not the right thing for me. Moreover I don't share and there are plenty of men out there playing the field. Not my thing. Considering I have children I am okay with living apart together but, like a friend of mine says, loyalty is key.

I am happy for people to make their own choices as long as those choices that make them happy. Just don't impose your opinions on me.

Tea for one

A friend gave me a gorgeous oversized tea cup and saucer for Christmas. It takes half a kettle of water, weighs a tonne and requires a second stomach but I fucking love it!

The mug is large enough that if I hold it in both hands it warms them thoroughly. As I sit here in my quiet home looking forward to a day with my family and to picking up my babies tomorrow morning I can breathe. My hands are warm and my heart is full.

I have spent a great deal of time in the last week in quiet contemplation. This time of year is always one for reflection and vowing to do things differently next year. However, I am finally in a place where I am content with who I am inside. I do not need to make New Year's resolutions for I have done the hard work. I have found a place where I am proud of the person I am. I am, at 37, finally surrounded by gorgeous friends who are truly a part of my life. People who I have let in and see me at my worst and shared time with when I am at my best. I have come to realise that I am fun. That, when people say they love to be around me, they are not lying to make me feel better about myself - they actually mean it. I am meeting new people and growing in confidence that, because they are not obligated to spend time with me for they have no connection to me, they actually like me. And these people have met me at a time where I refuse to put on a mask so they like me me; not the facade that I have presented for the last fifteen years. They like me. Despite my flaws they want to spend time with me. I am learning to stand up for myself and make my needs known. I am (mostly) okay with being on my own. Though I yearn to share my life with someone I am not going to fall to pieces if it does not happen.

I have even come to peace with the fact that I do not spend anywhere near as much time with my children as I would like. I still cry every day, yearning to be with them but I have come to accept that there is nothing I can do to change that right now. Countless hours reading the family law act and the equal opportunities act have taught me that the law is against me. I do not have the funds to fight it and expending my energy trying to find a way to change the situation has meant that I sleep for about forty minutes a day. That is not sustainable. It stops now. My children know that I love them. I will fight for them in every way that I can but this is a battle I cannot win.  As they get older they will learn that you don't always get what you want, regardless of how hard you try. They know that I want them with me and that is the best I can do. I will continue to wage battles with their father on their behalf but he is a good Dad and I know that my babies are okay. Of course I would do a better job but I am biased!

So, as I finish my mammoth cup of tea that leaves me with a slooshing sound in my stomach as a move, I realise that I am in a place I need to be. I am free from daily abuse. My children no longer endure the countless arguments over the same thing. I have showed my daughter that women do not need to endure that behaviour. I have shown my son that the behaviour I was subjected to is not acceptable. I hope that they both carry that with them through life.

I sit here in my quiet home on a bright, overcast Christmas morning and I realise that I am worthy. I am but one person in the fabric of life; no more or less important than any other. Except for to me. To me, I am the most important person in the world. I am going to focus on not sabotaging my life as I have done in the past. In thinking I was not worthy of love, affection, friendship and respect I have allowed people to mistreat me. I enabled my ex-husband to consistently take from me, never having my needs met. And because I was not brave enough to speak out, the situation spiraled out of control and I lost something that was very important to me. Moreso, I lost myself. I became a shell of a person willing to do anything to please the man that I loved, hoping in vain that it would mean that he would love me back. But the truth is that he did not love me. He loved the idea of me and wanted to mould me into the person that he needed. It is not fair to ask that of someone. To ask someone to become someone else in order for you to love them means that they are not the one for you.

I have learnt many things in the last few years. The biggest lesson being that if someone does not love me for exactly who I am; if they cannot provide me with the things that I need (not want, I can cater for that myself) then they are not worthy. I am worthy of being loved for who I am - warts and all! I don't ever pretend to be perfect. I have flaws aplenty and I own them. I am transparent. I do not pretend to be someone I am not. I am insecure. I do get jealous. I am fussy when it comes to food. I will jump on the retaining wall and walk along it just for fun. I will put ribbons in my hair like a five year old. I will cry when I get upset. I will get angry when people do the wrong thing. I am passionate about my job and I take pride in the work that I do. I will not reapply lipstick or any other makeup once I leave the house. I will dance. I am affectionate. I love hugs and kisses. I will do yoga. I will go to gym twice in a day. I will walk for pleasure. If any of that bothers you then don't hang around. For I am me and I am worthy just as I am. I am happy with my big yellow mug and my tea for one.

But, for those that do like me for who I am, you will be rewarded with the most loyal, generous and devoted friend. I will stick by you through thick and thin. I will sacrifice for you. I will lie for you. I will prioritise you and I will love you unconditionally.

Merry Christmas

For all those people who asked why I didn't have a tree - they don't see Ryan at Kmart:

And for those who believe in Santa:

And to you all, a very merry Christmas to you and your loved ones.

Made with love

I believe all food should be made with love. Last night my nephew made my 'dinner' with love. It consisted of Oreos, Freddo frog biscuits, junbie lollies, honey, chocolate fudge sauce and ice cream. It was loaded with sugar and totally inappropriate for dinner but it was delicious and, best if all, it was made with love.

Let me live!

I caught up with one of my favourite friends on the weekend. She came down from Gippsland sans kids. We shared a lovely meal at L'amina (which I can thoroughly recommend). We then went dancing and it was so much fun. We've only known each other post children (our daughters are besties) so we have not done the nightclub thing together before. Our loss! Damn, we had so much fun!

One of the things she shared with me over the course of the night was an expression she and her husband use "let me live". It's something that came about after an incident which left them exasperated and his response to her was "why won't they just let me live?".  It's something they have subsequently adopted to all manner of situations - someone's blocking traffic "let me live"; someone takes too long to serve you "let me live" and, in our case, someone won't leave you alone on the dance floor "let me live!".

"Let me live" is my catch cry for 2014. I am going to try to stop berating myself, punishing myself and holding myself back. In 2014 I am going to give myself permission to live. I deserve it just as much as anyone else.

The naked truth

I don't love my body but I work hard - I go to gym, do yoga and walk. I used to run, which I miss because it is good for my emotional health (and it has a positive effect on my arse).

This morning I got out of the shower and could not decide what to wear; a common occurrence on a work day. I lay on my bed, nekkid, trying to decide what to don for the day and I was reminded of something I saw recently. It was a gorgeous piece about a girl accepting her body for what it is, imperfections and all. No one has a perfect body. No one.

Every child has fallen over and scraped their knee or sliced themself open. We are all scarred. Skin is a living, breathing organ - it discolours; it stretches and shrinks; eventually it sags.  No one is perfect. We all have hair in places we may or may not want it to be. And our hair will go grey or fall out or both. We are, all of us, imperfect.

I have been working hard to accept my imperfections. Not only the superficial ones - the stretch marks, the hair, the cellulite, the chub, the wrinkles, the dimples and the scars - but also the fundamental ones - the insecurities, the low self esteem. The list goes on.

As I lay on my bed, I thought about my imperfections. What I noticed, however were the muscles on my stomach, the curve of my hip and the lines of my legs. I may not be perfect but, for a chick with two kids nearing forty, I am doing okay.

Fuck the naysayers! They shall have no part in my life.

Face About Frinspiration

I have been in a foul mood for days. I know why and I am processing as best I can. I find these tips helpful most of the time when I am cranky but this time is different. I can't yet figure out exactly why it is so and I know that I will most likely be in a cranky mood until I can get to the bottom of it.

So, in an effort to pull myself out of the doldrums I shall turn to the Dalai Lama:

"Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions"

Insults abound

So. I had a work Christmas party last night. One of the guys from work told me I need a boob job and another guy I met told me I am single because I am old and dull. 

What the fuck makes people think it is okay to say that kind of shit? What happened to the old adage "if you don't have something nice to say don't say anything at all"?

I know I'm far from perfect but I don't need my flaws shoved down my throat!

Body image

I don't like my body. I don't hate it as much as I used to but I see the flaws first. My fears that no one is going to ever find me attractive were highlighted recently when at the pub with some coworkers. Apparently one of them saw fit to appraise my physical form and the results were not pretty.  Needless to say, the doubts creep in a little further and I once again find myself cursing the fact that I cannot run at the moment.

Sleep

Sleep is a real issue for me. I can't seem to do it anymore.

I saw a gorgeous story about a toddler and his pup sleeping together today and it made me so happy. I firmly believe that humans are meant to be touched and that sharing sleep is a natural extension of that. Evidence abounds regarding the synchronisation of sleep cycles when people share a bed. It does not surprise me - sharing a bed means sharing body heat, security and love. Who doesn't want that?

Comfort zone

I have been outside my comfort zone for 18 months or so. It's frightening, challenging, disappointing and terrifying but I have grown and changed as a result. I can do things I have not been able to previously. I am okay with most of me now. Previously I have hated every aspect of myself. I am now able to see that my opinion of myself is the only one that matters.

Who cares if the guy in the office thinks I'm a dick? So what if the dude in the bar says I am too old to be out dancing? What does it matter if the barista thinks I have food issues? What bearing does it have on anyone else's life if the only man I am interested in is not interested in me? So what if people don't approve of what I wear?

I own my shit. I am mot perfect. I never will be. But for the first time in my life I can hold my head up when a group of people diss my outfit. Fuck you guys! I wear clothes for me. I wear what makes me happy. If you don't like it don't look.

I am learning to stand up for myself. When someone tells me I to do (or not do) something I no longer automatically comply. I will take a minute to determine what I want and then I do that. Regardless of what that person may think.

I used to be such an attention whore. I was only happy if I had reassurance from someone else  - do I look okay? Did I say the right thing? Did I do something wrong? I realise now that those habits were formed as a response to the constant negativity I was exposed to. The insecurity I displayed were a reflection of my deep seated hatred for myself; for my inability to stand up for myself and because I was scared. Fear is a terrible thing.

I now do as I please rather than doing what I think others want me to do. I worry a lot less. I am living more in the moment. I relive situations and conversations less often. I don't stress about tomorrow as much and I am finding inner contentment.

I am finding that I am able to constantly and consistently stretch myself. I try to step out of my comfort zone regularly so as to continue to flourish. It's not pretty but it will be worthwhile.

Frinspiration

I have selected the Frinspiration for this week in the hope that the lady I witnessed in the assault has been strong enough to stay away from her abusive partner.

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter - Martin Luther King Jr.

Love, true love

This is one of the most simultaneously beautiful and nauseating things I have ever read. Hoax or no, the cynic in me thinks this is just publicity at its best. The optimist knows that love is what pulls people out of the depths of despair. I know. I have been there. Thanks to those friends and family who have been with me on this tumultuous journey. The road is long. 

Pure simplicity

I love this

Wake the fuck up

I've been contemplating my last post. People take advantage of me because I let them. I am too generous because I am still seeking approval. I crave affection. I am lacking physical contact. Due to this deprivation I am vulnerable. I make poor decisions. I am looking for something that does not exist. I need, as a friend aptly pointed out, to get over myself.

Generous to a fault

I am overly generous. I give more than I should and more than most deserve. I give because it is my way of showing I care. I don't mean financially (though I would be that way inclined if I was wealthy). I mean in terms of my time, labour and love.

Most of the time I have not issues with it. I know that others are not that way inclined and I do not expect reciprocation. There are times, however, where I feel somewhat used. I get angry at myself for  putting myself in that position. I put not responsibility on the other person but I often wonder whether they are even aware of it. For example, I was going to get sushi for lunch today so offered to pick some up for a coworker. It bothered me that when I had the courtesy to let him know there was a huge queue and that I would be a while his response was that he didn't care whether I returned or not. Don't ask me to do something for you if you're not interested. It is a waste of my time and effort. That disrespect is unnecessary.

I am angry that I don't learn though. I know that next time I head out I will feel obliged to offer and I will kick myself for it.

Plan B

It always pays to have a backup plan. While chatting to a girlfriend, I have decided that I am stranger than most. I am living my plan B, waiting for my plan A to eventuate.

Pain in the butt

I have injured myself. Specifically my gluteus medius or piriformis (the "experts" cannot agree). It is, quite literally a pain in the arse. I cannot find comfort. It hurts to sit. It hurts to stand. There is no way I can sleep on my side and I can't sleep on my back. I miss running; I feel terrible without it. I have spent way too much money on therapy - osteo, physio and massage as well as doctor and waiting to spend hundreds on an MRI. I feel like my body is failing me.

In reality I wonder whether it has reached saturation point. I have been emotionally exhausted for the better part of a decade. I worked three very stressful jobs to support my family; moved to Melbourne and endured the greatest heartbreak ever. I have survived physical and emotional abuse and separation from my gorgeous children. I fell into a pit and have pulled myself out. I am not surprised that my nails are splitting, my hair does not grow and my muscles are fatigued.

Domestic violence

I was fortunate enough to witness a domestic violence act tonight. My gorgeous friend and I were departing a particularly ordinary public event when we saw a man put his hands around a women's throat, push her backwards into a van and then punch her so hard in the face she fell to the floor. I say fortunate because, having both been exposed to domestic violence, we were in a position to assist this women in her battle against assault. No one deserves to be treated like that. Not by a stranger and definitely not by someone that is meant to love you.

If you are exposed to domestic violence, seek help and get out. He's not going to change. Hitting, punching, pushing, throttling or grabbing are not okay acts for one person to do to another. Please respect yourself enough to walk away from that. There is help available to identify domestic violence or get assistance.

First rule of Mandy

It is Thursday. Bring on the dancing. Escapism at its finest

The whole package

There is an episode of Friends where Joey is given word of the day toilet paper. His response is a confident "Look out ladies, Joey Tribbiani's got the whole package". I have a friend, two actually, who regularly tell me they wish they were lesbians so we could hook up. They seem to forget that I like penis and am about as far removed from lesbianism as it is possible to be. Anyhoo... I have digressed. My point is thus; there are (scant and scattered) days when I think they might be right. There is little I cannot do. When asked I used to respond with "pee standing up" but I've since managed to cross that off the list of things I cannot do. I am not a great singer (but I don't let they stop me).

I was chatting to a friend tonight and I had to see his point. I'm pretty amenable to learning new things and I am not averse to doing "manly" jobs. I may not have big breasts or the voice of an angel but I do alright. I'm finding that I don't detest myself with as much vigor as I once did and I am okay if people don't like me. Whet matters is that I like me. I am comfortable on my own. I would like someone to share it with but not at the expense of my morale or values. I will hold true to me first. No one is to use me as a doormat again.

I think people can see the shift, too. I don't need anyone in my life. There are plenty of people I want as a part of my life, everyday if possible, but I don't need them. I can look after myself and if they don't like me I am sure to find someone who will. For I am pretty damn close to having the whole package and nobody's perfect so this may be as good as it gets.

Bat shit crazy

Why is it that when I stand up for myself people think there is something wrong with me? Apparently I am insane, totally bat shit crazy, for maintaining established boundaries. For calling someone on their bullshit I am projecting and have a skewed perception.

I have been a doormat in the past and it will take me years to undo the damage that has caused. My poor self esteem was pummelled and I was so insecure. I have vowed never to allow myself back into that. I find it really difficult. I regress, especially with my family (who I feel obliged to placate at all costs) and my ex. But I keep at it. I have pretty simple requirements - don't cheat, don't lie and follow through on your word.

I can see that a reaction like this when someone stands up for their beliefs is a self defence mechanism. People are generally not fond of hearing something unpleasant about themselves.  Change is difficult and it can be confronting when faced with the truth. I can also see this reaction can become habit.

In this situation, as I see it, the person being confronted can take one of a number of paths. They can ask questions and try to understand the situation (this requires the ability to empathise and is based on respect and care for the other person). They can ignore it and hope the problem goes away (potentially risking the relationship). Or they can throw a barrage of insults at the first person and turn the issue into their own (thereby protecting themself by not having to acknowledge or accept the situation).

Option one is the most difficult but it is the only one that leads to resolution. Either the issue is sorted out and the relationship continues or there is an impasse and the relationship comes to an end.

The second option will only hold up for so long. Like sweeping dust under a carpet eventually the ugly lump will show, someone will trip up and there is likely to be an injury. In this instance, damage for the person trying to maintain the boundaries is usually long-lasting and difficult to overcome.

The third option is the path of the insecure. It is used primarily when the unpleasantness hits a raw nerve and is too confronting for the individual on the receiving end. Rather than see it for what it is they take it as a personal insult and, usually as a result of conditioning, they lash out at the first person; turning things around and highlighting flaws in the person that is trying to stand up for themselves. A slinging match may start and it generally leads to a downward spiral of blame and finger pointing that can be very hard to come back from.

Music therapy

I have the most wonderful friends and I am so thankful for them all. One in particular has been instrumental in my life. Mostly literally. He accepted me exactly as I was and still does. He knows my imperfections, more so than most, yet he is unperturbed. He has fostered my love for music and is the reason I now take every opportunity to attend concerts. My appreciation for live music is totally attributable to him. When we were in our teens he'd play guitar while I laid on the floor of his room and just listened. Those are some of the happiest memories of my life.

This man is a true gentleman. He is sweet, kind, strong and adventurous. He is a loving son, devoted husband and will make a fantastic father. When I think of him I see him travelling Asia with random children on his shoulders. He has, and always will, make me smile and laugh until I cry. He is smart and exceptionally talented.

When we were at school he made me a mixed tape. I still remember and adore much of the songs that were on it. When I hear them now they make me smile because they remind me of him. Today, I came home to a carefully selected mix of music. I lay on my floor in the dark with the smell of fresh summer rain coming through the open windows and listened. Just like I did when I was a teenager. As tears stream down my face my heart feels simultaneously lighter and fuller.

Future wanted

Today I decided that perhaps I am not unwanted but future wanted. Maybe there's someone out there that would find me attractive, fun and interesting. I just have not met them yet.

Clean sheets

There is a special joy in having a shower and getting in to clean sheets. I am trying to avoid ifs but I feel it would be nice if there was a sexy man as well.

Beggars cannot be choosers as they say.

Power hug

I've spoken previously about the power of human touch but the quote sums it up so nicely.

Love my vejayjay

Jamie McCartney has created the Great Wall of vagina. Jamie has moulded 400 vaginas of 400 women aged between the ages of 18 and 76 to create a nine metre long tribute to the vulva.

I have strong objection to genital mutilation. I am against circumcision for males and female genital mutilation. Removing body parts to achieve a cosmetic end is questionable at best. Female genital mutilation is not straightforward and can involve removing part of all of clitoris, labia minora and/or labia majora; narrowing the vaginal opening by creating a cover or seal as well as pricking, scraping or cauterizing the genital area.

I have a poor self image. It is something I am working really hard on. I hate being naked but have been forcing myself to try not to be repulsed by my body. If I cannot accept my body then I cannot expect to stand up for what I want if I have an intimate relationship.

While I can see that Mr McCartney may have had ulterior motives with this work of "art" I like the sentiment behind it. All vaginas, like all noses/feet/teeth/ears, are different. Accept it or move on. No one should tolerate their partner telling them that they are imperfect/unattractive/not worthy because of the shape/colour/length/lumpiness of their lips, the depth or width of their vagina or the location of their cervix. The clitoris is the most sensitive erogenous zone in a women's body and should be revered not severed.

Women, love your vejayjay!

Love

Dr Seuss is one smart man