Bat shit crazy

Why is it that when I stand up for myself people think there is something wrong with me? Apparently I am insane, totally bat shit crazy, for maintaining established boundaries. For calling someone on their bullshit I am projecting and have a skewed perception.

I have been a doormat in the past and it will take me years to undo the damage that has caused. My poor self esteem was pummelled and I was so insecure. I have vowed never to allow myself back into that. I find it really difficult. I regress, especially with my family (who I feel obliged to placate at all costs) and my ex. But I keep at it. I have pretty simple requirements - don't cheat, don't lie and follow through on your word.

I can see that a reaction like this when someone stands up for their beliefs is a self defence mechanism. People are generally not fond of hearing something unpleasant about themselves.  Change is difficult and it can be confronting when faced with the truth. I can also see this reaction can become habit.

In this situation, as I see it, the person being confronted can take one of a number of paths. They can ask questions and try to understand the situation (this requires the ability to empathise and is based on respect and care for the other person). They can ignore it and hope the problem goes away (potentially risking the relationship). Or they can throw a barrage of insults at the first person and turn the issue into their own (thereby protecting themself by not having to acknowledge or accept the situation).

Option one is the most difficult but it is the only one that leads to resolution. Either the issue is sorted out and the relationship continues or there is an impasse and the relationship comes to an end.

The second option will only hold up for so long. Like sweeping dust under a carpet eventually the ugly lump will show, someone will trip up and there is likely to be an injury. In this instance, damage for the person trying to maintain the boundaries is usually long-lasting and difficult to overcome.

The third option is the path of the insecure. It is used primarily when the unpleasantness hits a raw nerve and is too confronting for the individual on the receiving end. Rather than see it for what it is they take it as a personal insult and, usually as a result of conditioning, they lash out at the first person; turning things around and highlighting flaws in the person that is trying to stand up for themselves. A slinging match may start and it generally leads to a downward spiral of blame and finger pointing that can be very hard to come back from.