Comfort zone

I have been outside my comfort zone for 18 months or so. It's frightening, challenging, disappointing and terrifying but I have grown and changed as a result. I can do things I have not been able to previously. I am okay with most of me now. Previously I have hated every aspect of myself. I am now able to see that my opinion of myself is the only one that matters.

Who cares if the guy in the office thinks I'm a dick? So what if the dude in the bar says I am too old to be out dancing? What does it matter if the barista thinks I have food issues? What bearing does it have on anyone else's life if the only man I am interested in is not interested in me? So what if people don't approve of what I wear?

I own my shit. I am mot perfect. I never will be. But for the first time in my life I can hold my head up when a group of people diss my outfit. Fuck you guys! I wear clothes for me. I wear what makes me happy. If you don't like it don't look.

I am learning to stand up for myself. When someone tells me I to do (or not do) something I no longer automatically comply. I will take a minute to determine what I want and then I do that. Regardless of what that person may think.

I used to be such an attention whore. I was only happy if I had reassurance from someone else  - do I look okay? Did I say the right thing? Did I do something wrong? I realise now that those habits were formed as a response to the constant negativity I was exposed to. The insecurity I displayed were a reflection of my deep seated hatred for myself; for my inability to stand up for myself and because I was scared. Fear is a terrible thing.

I now do as I please rather than doing what I think others want me to do. I worry a lot less. I am living more in the moment. I relive situations and conversations less often. I don't stress about tomorrow as much and I am finding inner contentment.

I am finding that I am able to constantly and consistently stretch myself. I try to step out of my comfort zone regularly so as to continue to flourish. It's not pretty but it will be worthwhile.