Tea for one

A friend gave me a gorgeous oversized tea cup and saucer for Christmas. It takes half a kettle of water, weighs a tonne and requires a second stomach but I fucking love it!

The mug is large enough that if I hold it in both hands it warms them thoroughly. As I sit here in my quiet home looking forward to a day with my family and to picking up my babies tomorrow morning I can breathe. My hands are warm and my heart is full.

I have spent a great deal of time in the last week in quiet contemplation. This time of year is always one for reflection and vowing to do things differently next year. However, I am finally in a place where I am content with who I am inside. I do not need to make New Year's resolutions for I have done the hard work. I have found a place where I am proud of the person I am. I am, at 37, finally surrounded by gorgeous friends who are truly a part of my life. People who I have let in and see me at my worst and shared time with when I am at my best. I have come to realise that I am fun. That, when people say they love to be around me, they are not lying to make me feel better about myself - they actually mean it. I am meeting new people and growing in confidence that, because they are not obligated to spend time with me for they have no connection to me, they actually like me. And these people have met me at a time where I refuse to put on a mask so they like me me; not the facade that I have presented for the last fifteen years. They like me. Despite my flaws they want to spend time with me. I am learning to stand up for myself and make my needs known. I am (mostly) okay with being on my own. Though I yearn to share my life with someone I am not going to fall to pieces if it does not happen.

I have even come to peace with the fact that I do not spend anywhere near as much time with my children as I would like. I still cry every day, yearning to be with them but I have come to accept that there is nothing I can do to change that right now. Countless hours reading the family law act and the equal opportunities act have taught me that the law is against me. I do not have the funds to fight it and expending my energy trying to find a way to change the situation has meant that I sleep for about forty minutes a day. That is not sustainable. It stops now. My children know that I love them. I will fight for them in every way that I can but this is a battle I cannot win.  As they get older they will learn that you don't always get what you want, regardless of how hard you try. They know that I want them with me and that is the best I can do. I will continue to wage battles with their father on their behalf but he is a good Dad and I know that my babies are okay. Of course I would do a better job but I am biased!

So, as I finish my mammoth cup of tea that leaves me with a slooshing sound in my stomach as a move, I realise that I am in a place I need to be. I am free from daily abuse. My children no longer endure the countless arguments over the same thing. I have showed my daughter that women do not need to endure that behaviour. I have shown my son that the behaviour I was subjected to is not acceptable. I hope that they both carry that with them through life.

I sit here in my quiet home on a bright, overcast Christmas morning and I realise that I am worthy. I am but one person in the fabric of life; no more or less important than any other. Except for to me. To me, I am the most important person in the world. I am going to focus on not sabotaging my life as I have done in the past. In thinking I was not worthy of love, affection, friendship and respect I have allowed people to mistreat me. I enabled my ex-husband to consistently take from me, never having my needs met. And because I was not brave enough to speak out, the situation spiraled out of control and I lost something that was very important to me. Moreso, I lost myself. I became a shell of a person willing to do anything to please the man that I loved, hoping in vain that it would mean that he would love me back. But the truth is that he did not love me. He loved the idea of me and wanted to mould me into the person that he needed. It is not fair to ask that of someone. To ask someone to become someone else in order for you to love them means that they are not the one for you.

I have learnt many things in the last few years. The biggest lesson being that if someone does not love me for exactly who I am; if they cannot provide me with the things that I need (not want, I can cater for that myself) then they are not worthy. I am worthy of being loved for who I am - warts and all! I don't ever pretend to be perfect. I have flaws aplenty and I own them. I am transparent. I do not pretend to be someone I am not. I am insecure. I do get jealous. I am fussy when it comes to food. I will jump on the retaining wall and walk along it just for fun. I will put ribbons in my hair like a five year old. I will cry when I get upset. I will get angry when people do the wrong thing. I am passionate about my job and I take pride in the work that I do. I will not reapply lipstick or any other makeup once I leave the house. I will dance. I am affectionate. I love hugs and kisses. I will do yoga. I will go to gym twice in a day. I will walk for pleasure. If any of that bothers you then don't hang around. For I am me and I am worthy just as I am. I am happy with my big yellow mug and my tea for one.

But, for those that do like me for who I am, you will be rewarded with the most loyal, generous and devoted friend. I will stick by you through thick and thin. I will sacrifice for you. I will lie for you. I will prioritise you and I will love you unconditionally.