Friday, 28 October 2016

Accountable

I need to take accountability for my situation. I have become lazy. Reverted to bad habits. I've regressed to an unhappy headspace. I've been neglecting myself. I've taken the actions of others and internalised them.

I have no laurels to rest on. I am the heaviest I have ever been. I am miserable and I need to change. 

Time to keep it simple and ensure progress. 

Top three
1. Drink more water
2. Exercise every day
3. Eat clean

I need to stop eating because I'm stressed. Water is the way out. Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. 

Body first. I need a strong, healthy home to live in. Gym five days, run one day and yoga/Pilates on the last. Postural exercises daily. 

No more sugar. My skin breaks out. It makes my irritable. Furry teeth. There's nothing good about it. 

Focus on real food. Fresh herbs - parsley in abundance. Vegetables. So many vegetables. All the vegetables. Lean protein. 

Monday, 3 October 2016

Weekly motivation - week 39

The two most important days of your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why - Mark Twain

With purpose life becomes meaningful. Make yours mean something! Find your passion, follow it.

They sound like simple words but taking the leap of faith can be hard. The perceived security that comes from working for someone else; the familiarity  of having the man dictate what you do brings comfort; the habit of getting up and going to the office is relatively easy. The thought of following your passion is much more difficult. The cost of failure seems too high. The risks, real or imagined, too great. So we do what most people do. We follow the flock like sheeple. We comply with societal norms. We stick to what we know. 

But we rarely grow in comfort. We rarely shine as a part of an organisation. Nope. We are undervalued and therefore underpaid. 

There are few people that truly live life. Most just exist. To live we need, in my mind four things
- love 
- family
- adventure
- purpose

Love gives us two important things - a stable base from which to extend ourselves and comfort (for when we don't have all the strength we require to get through the hard times). 

Family fills our cup. It is what brings us fulfilment in our soul and grounds us when we are getting too big for our boots. 

Adventure shows us that we are small, not insignificant, but part of a wide world made up of lots of different personalities and beliefs. Travel, experiences and food all provide adventure because they take us out of our comfort zone. 

Purpose is our true destiny. Purpose puts our passion to work and produces something beautiful. While some are more passionate than others most people have a passion; something that makes them shine. Something that they willingly dedicate their spare time to. Something that brings them happiness. 

The trick is not finding your passion but living it. Admittedly, not everyone can live their passion. To make a living from something you are passionate about not only takes dedication but a little luck too. You will never know if you don't try though. So make a plan, work towards it and hope for the best knowing that if you 'fail' you gave it your best shot. 

Coke sales averages nine servings per day in the first year. Today, 1.9 billion coca-cola products are sold daily. From humble beginnings big things grow. 

Friday, 30 September 2016

D-tox box




I have to tell you, I am LOVING infrared saunas. Thanks to the awesome staff at d-tox box, I get to enjoy the beautiful heat on a weekly basis.

At a roasty 62.5 degrees, you get up a nice glow. It's actually pretty gross, but so relaxing. I am so relaxed, I fall asleep in there most weeks. I find it soothing. I am warm and safe and away from all the stressors of the world and I can completely relax. It is blissful. Knowing that it is good for my body just makes it even better!

Plus, afterwards I get to have a nice shower with some of the best gym amenities I have ever seen. If you haven't jumped aboard the infrared sauna train, I implore you to do just that. You won't regret it!


Monday, 26 September 2016

Tired, overworked and underpaid

Lately I cannot shake the feeling that I am hard done by. But the truth is that I make the decisions in my life. I am a big girl now. At forty, I should be more in charge of my life than I am.

When I sit in the Qantas International lounge at 0500 on a Monday morning, dousing myself in tea in an attempt to fire up my inactive brain cells I am reminded that I chose this. I applied for this job, I asked for the promotion and I choose to stay. Every day that I ignore the email alerts from Seek, every time I delete that unread email full of other opportunities I make a choice.



I choose to stay in a job that has me travel to New Zealand three weeks out of every four. I choose to work 14-20 hours a day in a position I am about $30k underpaid for. I choose to worry about all the work that remains undone after I dedicate all my waking hours to the office. I choose to put work above my health. I choose to be away from my fiance, friends and extended family. Every day I make a choice to keep myself in this state of fatigue where I am inundated with work and have an overbearing sense that I am completely undervalued.

The question begs - why?

Why do I get so much satisfaction from work? Why is it that my worth is tied to a job? What is it about work that makes me prioritise it over my health? I LOVE the gym but if I haven't closed out my to do list for the day I stay in the office well past quitting time.

This is where I do what I do - I assess. I look for motives. I question everything about the choices I make and I analyse the results.

Politics aside, I love my job. I love the adrenaline rush that comes with a tight timeline. I love the sense of accomplishment I get for doing what others consider impossible. I love the challenge.

I think my work ethic comes from my mother who always put work ahead of everything. I like to think I'm not that bad but I am close. I see my mother in me all the time and that's when I reign myself in. That's when I put work aside to make sure I have meal prepped for the week and ensure that I get to the gym at least five days a week.

And, if I am truly honest, I love that people think I'm great for doing what I do. I have a huge amount of pride in the work that I do. It is my signature and I sign it deliberately and with care.

So, I come to a place of acceptance. While I need to work on creating a better balance in my life, I am always working towards that. I have secured an apartment in New Zealand which I will move into next week which will make the world of difference (it's the little things in life that matter the most). While this may seem insignificant, it means that I don't have to iron my clothes on a Monday night, that I can cook in bulk and throw some things in the freezer, that I can do my laundry and have a home away from home.

Life is all about choices. While my life is not easy I am doing a job that I love with people who interest me. I am building up a wealth of experience - not only in my job and life but with myself. Spending time alone is a great way to build character (I am much more resilient after a year of trans-Tasman travel). I am secure in my relationship with my fiance and I know where I stand with my friends; because the real ones always make an effort.

Ultimately, I choose to make the most out of every situation. Ideal or not, I will find something to gain from life. So, rather than focusing on the fact that I am tired, overworked and underpaid I choose to live!

Tired, overworked and underpaid

Lately I cannot shake the feeling that I am hard done by. But the truth is that I make the decisions in my life. I am a big girl now. At forty, I should be more in charge of my life than I am.

As I sit in the Qantas International lounge at 0430 on a Monday morning, dousing myself in tea in an attempt to fire up my inactive brain cells I am reminded that I chose this. I applied for this job, I asked for the promotion and I choose to stay. Every day that I ignore the email alerts from Seek, every time I delete that unread email full of other opportunities I make a choice.



I choose to stay in a job that has me travel to New Zealand two weeks out of every three. I choose to work 14-20 hours a day in a position I am about $30k underpaid for. I choose to worry about all the work that remains undone after I dedicate all my waking hours to the office. I choose to put work above my health. I choose to neglect my kids, fiance, friends and extended family. Every day I make a choice to keep myself in this state of fatigue where I am inundated with work and have an overbearing sense that I am completely undervalued.

The question begs - why?

Forced into politics

I am not a particularly political person. In fact, politics is largely lost on me. One of my failings as an adult is a lack of interest in politics. Naive, maybe. But I generally see politicians as corrupt, money-hungry megalomaniacs who don't deserve to be in a position of power. Sad that the very people that should NOT run countries are those that are attracted to the positions of governor, prime minister and president.

But this, I could not ignore. I have followed the US presidential campaign with loose interest. As an Australian, I held such high hopes for Obama (most of which, sadly, has not come to fruition). In fact, I have been much more impressed with the work Michelle has done then Barack.

America sees itself as a force to be reckoned with (I think we should be concerned more about the Chinese, Singaporean and Hong Kong governments that are buying all our - both Australian and New Zealand - prime real estate, personally). Regardless of my person views on the matter, there is no doubt that many people (and other countries) look to America for leadership. As the fattest and most unhealthy country in the world, I am not sure why (well, I know why - money is why!). Again, I am deviating off track.

When someone is running for President of the United States of America and holds such great negativity towards over half of the population (50.8%) I hold grave concerns. Not only for the country itself but for the world in general. I am no feminist. I am an equalist. I believe that BOTH genders are important; that all races are important; that animals and plants are important. I am pro life (but also pro choice; I don't think a woman should be forced to have a child she does not want but that's yet another discussion).

When a presidential candidate touts about the ugliness of a woman, when he equates her worth to her weight or denigrates someone publicly because of their gender we are in serious trouble. This disgrace of a human is potentially going to be in control of a country. A country that has nuclear power. A country that is already occupying land it possibly shouldn't. A country that, like I have already said, other countries look up to.

America is like the bully in the schoolyard. With disproportionate power comes misappropriation. Trump at the helm? Heaven help us.

Weekly motivation - week 38

 What makes you feel alive? Do that. Today!

It's so easy to get dragged along with the humdrum of daily life and forget to actually live. When was the last time you ticked something off your bucket list? When was the last time you did something spontaneous? How long has it been since you threw caution to the wind and did something truly fun? When did you last take an unplanned day off work to spend with your love?

Life is unpredictable. Life is short. Live every moment.

Weekly motivation - week 37

Self doubt is like dry rot; ruining things from the inside. Doubt is one of the major obstacles to truly living life. Self doubt is unhealthy and drags you down, crushing your dreams and preventing you from achieving all that you could otherwise do. Consistent self doubt leads to anxiety, depression, emotional eating (weight gain), high blood pressure and heart disease.

To combat self doubt, live in the present. Take each moment as a gift; a new start; a chance to do-over. Trust in yourself and your abilities. Have faith that you can achieve your dreams by making a plan to get there - then work towards it step by step.

Whenever you feel the negative welling up, be aware of it. Don't judge or berate yourself but rather focus on the opportunity it presents to put a positive spin on the situation. Remember your strengths. Focus on your achievements to date. Reflect on the things you are most proud of.

Finding the source of self doubt can help undo a pattern of negative feelings and thoughts about yourself. Where does the self doubt originate? Was it in a specific event? Or a sequence of events?

What doubts are holding you back? Where did they come from? Are they realistic boundaries to you achieving what you want to? If so, what can you do to overcome them?

Friday, 16 September 2016

Weekly motivation - week 36 - Become Batman - live your ideals

If you make yourself more than a man. If you devote yourself to an
ideal, then they cannot stop you. Then you become something else
entirely - Batman


What ideal are you chasing? What can you do to head toward that ideal?

When broaching something like this, I like to chunk things up. I look
at my life in discrete parts - kids, fiance, family, friends, work,
fitness, health, home, education and relaxation. Every part of my life
needs attention. Some get more than others. Some out of necessity but
mostly because of choices made each and every day.

I believe in prioritising the important things. I believe that is how
you get to your goal. I blieve that is the key to integrity.

To find my ideal I meditated on what I want to be in twenty years
time. When my kids are starting their families, what kind of person do
I want to be? What kind of house do I live in? What's my job? How do I
spend my spare time? What kind of relationship do I have with my
parents? What does my daily life look like? What do my kids think of
me? What do I spend my time thinking about? How do I feel?

I believe that, once you have an ideal planted and you remind yourself
of it regularly, you incrementally become your ideal. Each day you
work towards your dream is a day spent well.

So, what are your ideals? How are the choices you make each day
helping you to get to your ideal?

Monday, 12 September 2016

Weekly motivation - week 35

Starting is the hardest part. Once you have decided what you want, once you have defined your goals, you need to make a start. You will be scared. You will be daunted. Start anyway. All of our plans and goals are nothing but daydreams if we never act on them - Doc

The secret to getting ahead is getting started - Agatha Christie

What do you need to start that you have been putting off?

Weekly motivation - week 36 - Become Batman - live your ideals

If you make yourself more than a man. If you devote yourself to an
ideal, then they cannot stop you. Then you become something else
entirely - Batman


What ideal are you chasing? What can you do to head toward that ideal?

When broaching something like this, I like to chunk things up. I look
at my life in discrete parts - kids, fiance, family, friends, work,
fitness, health, home, education and relaxation. Every part of my life
needs attention. Some get more than others. Some out of necessity but
mostly because of choices made each and every day.

I believe in prioritising the important things. I believe that is how
you get to your goal. I blieve that is the key to integrity.

To find my ideal I meditated on what I want to be in twenty years
time. When my kids are starting their families, what kind of person do
I want to be? What kind of house do I live in? What's my job? How do I
spend my spare time? What kind of relationship do I have with my
parents? What does my daily life look like? What do my kids think of
me? What do I spend my time thinking about? How do I feel?

I believe that, once you have an ideal planted and you remind yourself
of it regularly, you incrementally become your ideal. Each day you
work towards your dream is a day spent well.

So, what are your ideals? How are the choices you make each day
helping you to get to your ideal?

Friday, 9 September 2016

Engaging

I'm relatively newly engaged. Almost five months ago my man got down on bended knee under fairy light in front of a stream of taxi drivers and asked me to be his wife. My heart kept so high I thought it would burst out somewhere near my clavicle. Surprisingly, it stayed in my chest. The smile on my face was so enormous my cheeks were at risk of cracking. Everything after that is a bit of a blur but I am pretty sure I told him it would be a privilege then he pulled out the ring and I responded in typical inelegance with "HOLY FUCK!". The ring was a-maz-ing. It's quite honestly the prettiest piece of jewellery I have ever seen. Ever! It is exquisite. 
Three brilliant cut diamonds (which I am told are representative of past, present and future and makes the ring even more special) set on a tapered white gold band inlaid with more diamonds. It's classy, elegant and stunningly beautiful (bit like me😉). 

And it fits! 

I stare at it all the time. Yep, still. 
But I digress.
After I told him he had to put it on me (why is this man marrying me?), we walked back to our hotel. My gorgeous new fiancé and me, the Cheshire Cat. I could wipe the stupid grin off my face. I'd had a pretty shitty day at work. And I had to drag my sorry carcass out to dinner a couple of hours earlier. I had been stifling yawns throughout the meal but it was like someone had pressed "restart". I was burning with energy. 
My fiancé suggested we drop into the casino for a cocktail and a dabble on the pokies (it's tradition that we splurge and spend a twenty on the machines whenever we go to the casino and he said it seemed fitting). We walked through the casino, my fiancé trying to find a five cent machine (we're big spenders) and me, the Cheshire Cat, gawking at the diamonds on my left ring finger. 
We played until the money ran out - about half an hour or so then found a bar to grab a cocktail. He caught me staring at the ring and asked if I liked it. So flustered at being sprung admiring my new bling, I gushed like an illiterate schoolgirl some incoherent garble about it being "beautifully stunning" (I meant stunningly beautiful). He didn't seem to notice and as he drank his cocktail the conversation moved onto something else. 
When we returned to our hotel he asked who I wanted to tell first. "The kids" shot out of my mouth before he even finished the question. But I told him I wanted to Skype them so I could see their faces. It was at that moment we realised the time. Though we were in New Zealand and the two hour time zone difference was in our favour at night it was still too late to call the kids. So I told him I wanted to tell my sister next. I called her and gushed at her over the phone for ten minutes then sent her a photo of the ring. Oh. My. God. The ring. 
We were due to catch up with his family the next day. We went out for a lovely breakfast and I insisted we find the time to get a manicure. He dutifully found a nail salon and made an appointment while I got ready. He occupied himself for the half hour it took for the manicure and we headed off to meet his folks. 
It was at this point he said I should take the ring off and he would find the right time to tell his parents. 
Cue tantrum. 
Step aside radiant fiancé (the Cheshire Cat had departed overnight, thankfully), enter raging beast woman from Irrational City. 
And the accusatory-laced questions fly "Why would you give it to me only to take it back?"; "Are you just playing with me?"; "When do I get it back?"; "How long is it going to take until the ring is back on my finger?" and so on. 
Woah... Where did SHE come from?!
Gorgeous man that he is, my spunk of a fiancé calmed me down with "my folks are old, if we turn up and tell them straight away my mum might keel over with excitement". I laughed at his ludicrousness and told him that they're his parents and if that's how he wanted to tell them then that was what we would do. So I gave him back the ring that had been mine for a little over twelve hours and sulked a little more (but with less intensity) until we arrived. 
After the usual greeting and putting our luggage away, we milled about the kitchen a bit (my man needs to eat regularly lest he morph into some crazy beast man or fade into nothingness with hunger - either response is normal). 
'Well', I thought, 'he's obviously not going to do this in a hurry'. So I grabbed my computer and set up on the kitchen table to do some work. 
About an hour later my patience was wearing thin and I tried to communicate my intentions in silent eye gestures. Ten minutes later my fiancé cottons on to my darting eye movements and shakes his head. My eye movements change to rolling and I return to work. 
What feels like an eternity slowly and painfully ticks by. 
When I can no longer concentrate on work I get up to make a cup of tea and finally get the nod. A very casual announcement was made and my mother in law to be cries with happiness. He then texts his sister a picture of the ring.  No words. Just the image. She's into it in a flash and calls him up to get the story. 
He's now in charge of telling the proposal story whenever anyone asks. He sets the scene by detailing the polished wooden floors and round booths at the restaurant; the degustation meal; the cocktails; the fairy lights and him getting down on bended knee. Which is a win win win - he tells the tale, people love it and I get to hear his account of one of the three happiest days of my life (together with the ones on which my children were born). 

Tuesday, 6 September 2016

That first world issue of being overwhelmed

Today I am feeling intensely overwhelmed. I have too much going on and too little time. A symptom of modern society, being overwhelmed is a privilege. I have a job, two adorable (and healthy) children, a spunky fiance and a loving family. I have a three bedroom home in the suburbs. I am in good health. I have money to buy good food. I travel internationally for work on a regular basis.

All of these things are a blessing. But they bring with them a sense of obligation. I work hard at my job - long hours and weekends when needed. I want to spend time with my kids - taking them to the park, playing Lego or board games, Sunday breakfast (because it it the little things they will remember when they are old). I like to go to the movies with my man. I love the gym. I see my family every week.

The problem is trying to fit it all in and stay sane. We all have the same twenty four hours in a day. The only thing we can do to set ourselves apart from others is use the time we have wisely.

I am not doing a good job of that at the moment.

I define "good" by looking at the things that matter to me and assessing the state they are currently in. I like to look presentable (but I have really chunked up in the last few years); I like to live in a neat house (but the garden has been neglected lately - weeding and mulching need to take a priority in the next month or so before the weather warms up - I definitely do not want to dedicate any of my twenty four hours a day to watering plants). I would like to live until I am in my nineties but don't get enough sleep (my fiance's pet peeve about me and something he regularly reminds me of paying more attention to (all with the best of intentions)).  I like to be fit (but struggling to fit in twice daily exercise with the fitness challenge I have embarked on for twelve weeks. While I love it, it is a challenge. It has meant a complete overhaul of my diet as well as a new gym routine. It has also highlighted that I may have "inflammation" (whatever the fuck that is) which meant that, being the kind of person that has to know everything, I had to do some research. It appears that all this stress could be what's making me fat!!

So, the long and the short of it is that I need to learn to slow the fuck down. I need to breathe. Ironic, really, that I need to juggling things to find time to fit yoga into my weekly schedule to force a slow down.

Friday, 2 September 2016

What I have learned crossing the Tasman

Almost weekly travel between Melbourne and Auckland over the last four months has given me some valuable life lessons.

Travel for work is not glamorous. There is nothing sexy about balancing your laptop on the crappy airport lounge seats as you frantically try to keep to a deadline even though you've spent an hour battling the crowds 

Get up to pee before you are desperate. You never know when turbulence might hit and you are told to return to your seat. Queues for the loo can be long (I have NO idea what people are doing in the airplane bathroom but it sure takes them a long time to evacuate their bladders and bowels) and there are always less facilities than are required in economy class.

While we are talking urine, use the end stall in the airport lounge. That way your carry on bag can safely lean against the wall. Make sure you use the bathroom before collecting luggage from the carousel on arrival at your destination. It's much harder to visit the ladies with a suitcase in tow.

The window seat is the way to go. You get a view. No one will have to wake you if they need to go to the toilet mid flight. You get to lean on the wall for naps. 

Seats over or just behind the wings are the most stable. The back of the plane tends to bounce around and the front will the the first to hit if there's a crash. 

If you are a frequent flier with a regular route, take a handful of exit papers from both destinations and complete them before you get to the airport

Wear something comfortable but not trashy (leggings are not outer wear!). Jeans are good but skip the belt. Layers are the way to go and a good scarf can double as a blanket if needed. Some planes are on the freezing side of chilly. Don't wear heels - metal detectors hate them. Wear flats. Not only for comfort and speed walking through the airport. It's bad enough to have to spend endless hours sitting still (in cramped conditions) without having to point your feet

Always say yes to water when it is offered. Hydration is key to staving off fatigue and dry skin. Say yes to a blanket and a pillow too - even if you don't plan on sleeping. They can be used to provide cushioning behind your back while you work making the flight just a little less unpleasant. 

Essentials only in carry on. You might end up carrying your bag a long way from a 'rural' terminal and those walks can feel like an eternity if you're weighed down (especially after a long flight or a big day). Lip balm is essential. As too is chewing gum. A small packet of tissues, a pen, phone and USB charger cable are not negotiable. A print out of hotel address and onward flight details are a god send if you are travelling to a new destination or somewhere you don't speak the language. Sunglasses are required if you are arriving at your destination in daylight hours. In my opinion a book is always a good idea - no battery needed and easy to pick up and put down for a short pause in your travel plans

Buy a bottle of water before you board. Hydration is important all the time but with the dry air in the cabin lips crack and skin loses its lustre - not a pretty look.

Make sure your passport is easily accessible. Customs and immigration are much easier to negotiate if you don't have to rummage through your bag to find the necessary documents. It also helps if you memorise your passport number (and expiry date) for ease of completing immigration documents mid flight and online checking.

Wear light makeup only; especially for longer flights or if you are planning a nap. And please nap if you can. Cat naps are gold. A snooze on the plane will set you straight for the day, especially if you have had an early start.

If travelling for business don't bank on working on the flight. Turbulence can truly fuck you over. If you have a deadline you need to meet, make sure you have done all the necessary work before you board. If you travel a lot, a Qantas club (or equivalent) membership will pay itself back in no time. It is so much more pleasurable to be able to sit in comfort, have a (relatively) healthy snack and pre-hydrate before you fly. Just make sure you steer clear of the sweet treats, though tempting there's nothing worse than a sugar crash as you take off and hit a bank of clouds.


Tuesday, 30 August 2016

In pursuit of a hot bod

tIt's no secret that my weight has ballooned since falling in love. Not something I am happy about (the weight, not the love!), it is something I have been working really hard at addressing for nearly a year. I have tried to respect my fiances wishes and not skip meals to achieve the desired look. It's not working!

I've read stories from all sorts of fitness models along the lines of "I eat more than I ever have and I am still losing weight" and I want to laugh in their face.

I also want to scream - WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WRONG?! I train hard. I lift heavy. I drink plenty of water. I (mostly) steer clear of sugar. I don't eat refined carbs.

I have spent a fortune over the last few years on various training programs from personal trainers, I have had a nutritionist devised diet (which resulted in another 3kg of chub rather than a loss of anything).

About five weeks ago I purchased Zoe Daly's fitness program and nutrition guide. A goddess of the fitness world (and an Aussie to boot), Zoe is the first person that has been simultaneously motivating while understanding that I have the most ridiculous diet. Allergic to onion and garlic and vegetarian, I am also fussy (I don't eat eggplant, capsicum, celery, beans, tofu.... the list goes on). As one friend has been known to tout - it is easier to list the things I DO eat, than the list of things I don't as that list is too long.

However, Zoe has patiently worked with me to get devise a diet that is actually really delicious. As a person who's always hungry (or thinking about food), this diet is fantastic!

I was daunted at the prospect of fortnightly photos but they have proven a valuable tool in shaping the program to get to my desired form. Sculpting the body is hard work. Anyone that tells you otherwise is lying or selling something.

As an emotional eater, I really have to be conscious about work stress interfering with my diet plan. Being organised and having my meals prepared the night before (and the astronomical cost associated with eating clean) helps me stick to it. While I am human and I have had a few small deviations, this is the first time that I have been able to get through week on week without cracking the shits and eating a peanut butter wholemeal roll. I can honestly say I have not had to cheat on the diet at all which is always my biggest battle.

The training program is grueling but achievable. My everything hurts. All the time. I have spent a fortune on massages to ease muscle soreness lately! While I love massages, this whole thing is costing me a fortune. However, it seems that whenever I am waning, a picture of @zozofit will appear on my Instagram feed and spur me on to channel my inner Dory and "just keep swimming".

While I have always been active, and I have been lifting weights for over fifteen years (and picked up some pretty intense regimes over the years), this is the first that I have been able to get through the actual training session without too much drama (the last few reps of each set is a challenge) but I feel it in my body the next day. DOMS are my new best friend! I can honestly say that I love that sore muscle feeling. I liken it to a wobbly tooth - where it hurts to wiggle it but it still feels so good.

I am yet to see the results personally but Zoe assures me she can see that my body is stronger and my fiance's behaviour changes recently would suggest he can too (a major motivating factor for me; as the last thing I want is for him to be engaged to someone he does not find sexually attractive). The real benefit is how I feel. Sure, I am tired, but my skin is clear and I feel calmer. I am lifting heavier each week which shows me that what I am doing is working. Because of my commitment to the program, I am working less hours and exercising more. I can't justify missing a gym session (there's no room to make up a session within a week and skipping it is not an option because I really want this to work) so I make time to fit them in around work. For the first time in three years I am going to head out at lunch time to attend a Barre session - something I have been meaning to do since they were introduced at the gym over a year ago. My sincere and heartfelt thanks to Ms Daly for bringing some perspective to my ludicrously hectic, work filled life.

To anyone out there contemplating making a change to their fitness regime, I implore you to go for it!




Monday, 29 August 2016

Weekly motivation - week 34

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself

Your actions and the decisions you make every day combine together to make you who you are. Are you making wise decisions? Are your actions in keeping with your values? Do you live the life you want to?

If not, what can you do about making small, consistent changes to ensure that you create the person you want to be? What can you do to be more patient/compassionate/whatever it is that you want to be? 

Who are your role models? How can they inspire you to create a person you are proud of?

Friday, 26 August 2016

Hot chocolate and a little lie down

Lying down in an A380 is actually quote comfortable. I have four seats to myself this week on my way back from Auckland and it is blissful. It's always the little things. 



Like today, when I was called into a meeting just as the coffee can was due to arrive at the office and a colleague bought my Friday treat day hot chocolate. It honestly made my day! Such a small gesture but so good for the soul. 


Thursday, 25 August 2016

New York New York

On my way to NYC, on a plane at an altitude of 11,885m a mere 1,149km while my sister happily snoozed next to me; while watching city after city pass by underneath the plane I was so so excited. Not normal excited; crazy, stupid, kid-at-Christmas time excited. 

As someone who struggles to sleep, heading to the city that never sleeps - was potential disaster!  I couldn't. Fucking. Wait!!

From the very first glimpse, I was not disappointed. The black rectangle of Central Park amid the neat grid of the most organised city I have ever been to made my heart race. With the Hudson to the left and East River on the right, the Big Apple was a sight to see. I was amazed that you could even make out Harlem River from the air. I was bouncing in my seat like a toddler who had been told they were getting a lollipop. I gawked out of the plane window (ignoring the motion sickness) and I am sure my eyes were popping out of my head. They were like that for most of the trip!

When I was fourteen when I read Dickens' account of his first trip to America when he and his wife spent a month in New York; I was hooked. A dream was born that would take over twenty-five years to come to fruition. Planning was required. A four year saving schedule was set. Six months out flights and accommodation were booked. Slowly but surely throughout the start of 2016, I started scheduling in all the essentials - Broadway show (The Phantom), high tea at the Plaza, the sun and stars tour at Rockefeller, a fourth of July boat cruise and the ever impressive Lady Liberty crown tour. I planned to the nth degree so as to ensure time to take in all the must-see sights - Grand Central Station, Magnolia Bakery, the High Line, Central Park, Times Square and the September 11 memorial plus a trek to the heart of Brooklyn for one of their world famous rainbow bagels complete with funfetti with an obligatory walk across Brooklyn Bridge on the way back.























The bonus was a short stay in San Fran where Golden Gate (complete with a foggy walk along Baker Beach) and Alcatraz were ticket off the bucket list with side trips to Lombard Street, the painted ladies, Pier 39 and Coit Tower; a sundae frm Ghirardelli's, breakfast at Mamas plus a trip on the infamous Powell-Hyde tramcar.













Wednesday, 24 August 2016

Naked stretching

Let's put it all out on the table. Naked stretching is not something I would ordinarily do. But I found myself with a horrid migraine (probably one of the worst in my life) in a hotel. Alone. Under no other circumstances would I even consider such a pursuit. Sure, I know that naked yoga is a thing. A thing people love, apparently. But it is not for me.

I did learn some interesting things about my body in my pursuit for pain relief
  • I'm not as fat as I think I am. Sure, my yummy is a little podgy and my thighs and arse have some chunk to them but I'm doing okay
  • I am not as flexible as I was a year ago. Too much work is not a good thing! 
  • I am never going to have a perfect body, and that's okay. My body has borne two beautiful children and that's good enough for me
  • I have more stretch marks than I realised - one of the risks of not looking at your own body is that you don't know your body
  • Being tired all the time is not good for you. My skin tone is morphing and it is not pretty




Monday, 22 August 2016

Weekly motivation - week 33

Your life does not get better by chance; it gets better by change - Jim Rohn

What do you need to change in order to make your life better? If you are brutally honest with yourself, where are you failing? What are you doing (or not doing) that will make each and every day of your life a happy and healthy one?

I'm so lucky I have


  • Energetic, intelligent and kind children
  • A supportive and loving sister
  • Good health, an active mind and creativity
  • A sweet, strong, sexy boyfriend 
  • A warm, safe and secure home
  • A job
  • Great friends 

Gratitude makes for a great attitude. I am starting this week on a light and happy note in the hope of carrying it forward throughout the week

Thursday, 18 August 2016

Sweating out the bad stuff

Today I experienced my first infrared sauna. Even sitting in a 65 degree wooden box, it took my stupidly cold body a good half an hour to heat up. After thirty five minutes I began to bead sweat on my cheeks. Not disgusting swear like I do when at Zumba but little droplets of poison-soaked water oozing from my face. Nowhere else. Just the ridges of my cheeks.

Sitting cross legged atop a towel on the little wooden bench I let my mind escape from the reality of work and kids and fiancé and family. I allowed myself time to reflect on me. A selfish indulgence not permitted frequently enough in my hectic life, I delved into my heart and soul. Searching the darkest depths of my psyche. I found some demons I thought I had fought and conquered long ago were still lingering. Following on from a deep and confronting conversation with my cousin recently that super heated little wooden box gave me the opportunity to explore feelings that had been dredged up to the surface.

As my body warmed up from the inside I let my heart open. I released more than sweat. I let go of expectation and welcomed honesty. As I watched the blood vessels in my feet swell to the surface knowing that my circulation was getting a healthy (and much needed) boost, I breathed deeply and let the warm dry air fill my lungs. Although Melbourne is expecting twenty one degrees today the warmth was a welcome change from the cold o have felt for the last few months. I took note of the changes I could feel my body going through with the high temperature. Though my heart was beating faster, I felt peace sweeping through my body. Pure relaxation. Not what most people would expect in a super heated environment, I found it soothing. It was like a warm hug for my insides.

As beads of sweat developed under my arms and between my boobs I felt at home. Warm and safe with music from the adjoining gym room filtered through the walls and the bass reverberating the walls of the sauna I was totally chilled.

Having never been in a sauna, I expected it to be uncomfortable. I thought it would be hard to breathe. I imagined dripping in sweat and feeling like some kind of slime monster but this is actually blissful. I am in a form of heaven. I'm a tropical bird at heart and it feels like I am in my natural environment.

I will definitely be doing this again!

One reader

I watched 5 to 7 and there was a part that resonated so strongly for me - "No matter how much you want to write when you are happy; you have to write when you are miserable".  In my experience, the passion has to go somewhere and writing is the only place for it. I also believe that suffering has to be good for something. The pain I went through for many years (and some of which I still carry) has brought me to a place in my life where I know who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know my likes and dislikes. I know and live my values.

I would love to write that story one day. The journey into, through and out of darkness.

As Brian says in 5 to 7, "Your greatest story, whatever it might be, is written for one reader". I truly believe that.

Wednesday, 17 August 2016

Times they are a changing

I'm feeling lost at the moment. Unfulfilled. Undernourished in the soulful sense of the word. 

I feel like my relationships have degraded. I'm not healthy. I'm stressed and tired all the time. I'm borderline anxious; I can feel rising pressure in my chest every Sunday night as I anticipate another week of torture at work. 

One contributing factor is travel. I love to travel. I love exploring the world - my ultimate job would be to travel the world taking photos and writing of my experiences. But travel for work is a different beast altogether. Travel for work involves early flights, long hours in a strange office, crappy meals (often at odd hours), lack of routine and disconnection. Travel for work puts you at the mercy of the organisation. Seen as a perk, managers expect you to be grateful for the opportunity. Rather than show appreciation, senior company officials are more likely to expect gratitude for giving you the "opportunity" to travel. Like you look forward to being away from home and the people you love. Like its an honour and privilege to spend no more than two consecutive nights in your own bed. 

Sure, occasional travel for work IS good. I don't doubt or rebuke that for a second. But weekly travel to the same destination week in week out for months is nothing but exhausting. It's not glamorous to come home at ten on a Friday night, spend your weekend washing clothes to repack into your suitcase and leave again at three on a Monday morning. Without enough time to unwind the coil gets spun tighter and tighter. 

Things that ordinarily wouldn't be an issue become serious. Fights. Tension. Lack of communication. It all takes its toll. 

And when the benefit goes to the company, no one is a winner. Except maybe the CEO who's on a bonus scheme. 

Personally it's the definition of madness. Giving your entire week (not the standard 9-5) to work is unhealthy at best; psychopathic at worst. 

Eventually something snaps. Usually it's relationships and generally that with your significant other. 

Sadly I can see that railroad and the crash is coming. 

Being tied to a job is hard at the best of times. Having to work to pay the bills and support children is part of being an adult and I accept that responsibility. But when your job morphs into something different to what you signed up for without any movement to compensate you for that change then something is going to break. Either it's home life or work life. The choice is yours. Well, the choice is currently mine, actually. 

I have tried to make my situation work. I have laboured for months with late nights and early mornings to do the job well. I take great pride in my work. I am diligent, loyal, punctual and dedicated. I'm determined and thoroughly committed to the work that I do. I insist on doing things well. I'm proud of the work that I do and the standards I uphold. I produce quality work, I meet deadlines and I take responsibility for my downfalls (no one is infallible). I'm the closest to a model employee as I have ever seen (this is hard to admit as I am also excessively critical of myself). 

But when work starts to jeopardise the things that matter most to me; I will not choose work. I will not let a job ruin my relationship. I choose my children, my partner, my family and my friends.  Every day. 

While I am loyal I am not stupid. I'm a smart, honest and pragmatic person. Sure, most of the time I follow my heart but I am blessed with a level head that I can rely on in times like these. 

Times like these call for action. This situation could go one of two ways. I'm honestly not fussed which path is opened up to me but I am no longer staying on the one I have been trudging along. 

Imaginings

I saw a psychologist when I was going through separation. He set me a task and it took me literally eight months of daily deliberation to be able to answer it. A seemingly simple question, he asked "what do you want your life to look like in three years?".

Having completely lost myself in the decade prior to that question, I found it so incredibly hard to answer. Hell, it took me weeks to choose mugs for my house because I honestly did not know what I liked. I had to learn, or re-learn (I'm still not sure which), everything about myself. From what foods I liked, to how I wanted to dress and how I spent my time. That period of self discovery was painful, challenging and confronting in its rawness.

It was only when I pulled myself out of my life and took myself off to Thailand and ran for three hours over a mountain that I was able to answer that question. And the response came flooding. I sat on the beach, drenched in sweat and my vision poured from me without hesitation.

I could see the house I wanted to live in, the colour of the picket fence, the depth of the deck, the shape of the pillars on the verandah. I could describe the man I wanted to share my life with. I could imagine the relationships in my life - my children, my sister and her kids, my mum and dad, my cousins and aunts and uncles and my nearest and dearest friends. I could see my office where I would write. I visualised the life I wanted - active, healthy and happily balanced.

That exercise which haunted me for months was my turning point. As soon as I had a clear idea of what I truly wanted, my life started to transform. I had a destination. I knew where I wanted to get to and it was easy to carve a path towards that. Nearly two years have gone past since that day and, while I don't have the house of my dreams and I am still working for the man, I am pretty damn close to where I want to be. And I am proud of that.

Tuesday, 16 August 2016

Peace come at me

Sleep is not my friend at the moment. We've had another falling out and my nights are now filled with nightmares. One  after another, my slumber is interjected with sweat, tears and waking multiple times in panic. 

I'm frantic during the day and restless at night. My heart must be under so much pressure. I'm always on the verge of tears with the slightest thing easily upsetting me. Even though I am reading Ariana Huffington's "The Sleep Revolution"; I'm not getting closer to fitful slumber. 

I once again find myself on board a plane for another early flight. Another disruption to the flow of daily life. Diet, sleep, exercise and rest are all out of whack. I feel like I'm running from pillar to post. I'm always tired, always wired and it's a perfect storm for emotional breakdown.