I recently caught up with a gorgeous friend. She's on the dating scene and was chatting to a guy online while I was with her. As the night wore on she ended a conversation with one particular male by saying she needed beauty sleep (she doesn't; she's gorgeous and has guys falling at her feet!) but, as usually happens with random comments, it got me thinking.
I have been having trouble with sleep for a long time. Years. Since BC*. As a kid, I am told I slept well. So well, in fact that I used to fall out of bed on a semi regular basis and not wake up. Gone are those days. Currently I sleep for two, maybe three hours a night. I don't toss and turn. I just lie there. My mind churning like a washing machine stuck on spin cycle. Unproductive and sick.
Short of medication, which I avoid like the plague, I have tired it all. Meditation, music, white noise, yogic breathing, mindfulness... the list goes on. For years, I have been okay surviving on little sleep. Mostly, I have plenty of energy during the day (I don't think you'll find anyone who will attest otherwise). I manage to do the responsible adult thing (which gets in the way of all the fun I want to be having) and churn through my chores.
But, I am exhausted. Absolutely emotionally drained. I've tried filling my life with distractions (anything from going out to shopping to exercise) but that doesn't work. I've tried taking time out and relaxing (as an aside, this is not my thing). I've tried spending time with my family and surrounding myself with people that truly add value to my life. I've tried hanging out with people who are all about having a good time. Nothing works.
This raises questions for me. Is my mind churning because I cannot sleep? If I could sleep, would I be able to cope better with what is happening around me? Is my lack of ability to sleep a result of my emotional state? The guilt I feel as a result of the failure to continue? My pain at the constant rejection in my life? My inner detest for myself?
I like to think that, at this point in my life, my brain is prioritising other things over sleep. The fact that I can work a full day then spend an hour running and riding at the gym, followed by an hour dance class and an hour of yoga and still manage to come home to make brownies for a friend, clean the kitchen an do three loads of washing and still be up at 0500 the next morning makes me think that sleep is not high on the list of needs right now.
Either that or my body is so out of the habit it has no idea how to sleep anymore.
This raises questions for me. Is my mind churning because I cannot sleep? If I could sleep, would I be able to cope better with what is happening around me? Is my lack of ability to sleep a result of my emotional state? The guilt I feel as a result of the failure to continue? My pain at the constant rejection in my life? My inner detest for myself?
I like to think that, at this point in my life, my brain is prioritising other things over sleep. The fact that I can work a full day then spend an hour running and riding at the gym, followed by an hour dance class and an hour of yoga and still manage to come home to make brownies for a friend, clean the kitchen an do three loads of washing and still be up at 0500 the next morning makes me think that sleep is not high on the list of needs right now.
Either that or my body is so out of the habit it has no idea how to sleep anymore.
*Before Children
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