Snail pace

Years ago I read a book in which the author has a serious medical condition and is confined to bed. A friend gives her a common woodland snail as a companion and the book details her journey to recovery through the slow and deliberate adventures of her pet snail. 

I was struck down with a bad bout of gastro recently that saw me in hospital on IV fluids for a couple of days and resulted in a significant tear in my stomach wall from violently throwing up. As a result I have had a very slow week which has reminded me of Biley's writings of her pet snail. I have spent a great deal of time in quiet contemplation. In contrast to my usual headspace, which can be frantic and disjointed, I have found a sense of clarity (the after effects of a general anaesthetic will do that to a girl). 

Where I had previously been trying to convince myself otherwise; I have now accepted that I will never be truly happy with being alone. The truth is that I like sharing my life with someone special. I love the intimacy that comes with a romantic relationship.  

As a dear friend pointed out today, I am an optimist. I have an innate ability to find good in people and situations. Where some might think that naive; I don't see things that are not there. I am not inventing goodness. I merely see through the fog and focus on the small rays of sun that shine through. Admittedly, some people and situations shine more brightly than others but there are rare gems out that that appear dark and shrouded in clouds that are actually the brightest of them all. 

I can see some glimmer of hope today. I have accepted that I am alone. However, now that I have admitted that I am not okay with it, and that alone is not my preferred state I can start to move on. Not in the sense of finding someone to latch onto and have a relationship with but in finding coping mechanisms for the grief I feel. I will not feel hard done by and be woe is me. Sure, there will be times when I am deeply saddened. There will be times when I am overwhelmed with a sense of loss. There will be moments of sheer dejection. But I am going to face my shit and wash myself clean of it. 

Men may not treat me well but they always wish they had once I've gone.  There must be something in that.  Ergo, I am not seeking out a relationship.  I have much work to do on myself.  I still have a lot to learn.  So, right now, I am determined to have fun in life.  I will seek it out; create it if I have to.  And while I am having fun, I am going to find my true self, embrace her and learn to love her.   Before anyone else can love me, I need to believe that there is something worth loving.  For that, I need to find it for myself and accept it for whatever it is.

I have been told that I am resourceful and strong. I choose to draw on those qualities and move forward.  I will take this journey like the snail: slowly and gracefully all the while leaving a glimmering silver trail behind me.