My sister recently travelled to Vanuatu and brought me back gifts of a shot glass and a gorgeous bracelet.
Last weekend, Mum also gave me a bracelet. Both bracelets have a similar theme. The one Mum gave me is inscribed with the words "hope, happiness, dreams, friendship and love". The one my sister gave me has a pendant with "live, laugh, love and dream" on it.
I find it both refreshing and reassuring (while simultaneously a little disturbing) that those nearest and dearest to me have a similar view for what I need in my life. Moreover, that their views align with mine. There is a part of me that worries that my family feel the need to brand me with that message but they are, as usual, probably right. I tend lose sight of reality from time to time and gentle reminders are welcome.
I have been amazed at how similar threads have been appearing in unrelated parts of my life. Perhaps it is because my focus is in a particular place (gotta love confirmational bias) but I also wonder whether the people in my life are going through a similar process as I am. I have noticed that my situation has affected the people around me. I feel both grateful for and guilty about that. I love lost and gained friends. My relationships with the people in my life will never be the same as they were because I am going through a great change. As a result of the changes I am making, there are times when I am literally overwhelmed with emotion. It is physically exhausting to work on your shit the way that I am.
From the outside, only those that know my situation would see the battle I am waging internally. I've fucked up in so many ways. I have many regrets. There are days when I am so over it all that just want to hide under the doona and let the world float by. But I refuse to be a victim. I have been subjected to situations that were well less than ideal. I have been mistreated by loved ones. As a result, I consistently feel like a failure. But I refuse to let that consume me. I am sad, I am disappointed, I am heartbroken and I am damaged.
Sure, I have a lot of work to do and it is going to be a long and lonely road but I will be different when I get to the end of that road. I will be able to make better choices. I will be well armed with a resilient set of skills, a support network and the biggest motherfucking emotional walls ever constructed. I will endure this process to ensure that I get to the point where comments from people I hardly know no longer send me into a tailspin. My walls will be solid and impenetrable and no one will be able to knock them down. I am starting to see signs of this working. I am getting better at disconnecting. Sure, I fall off the wagon from time to time and I still have my Achilles heel that needs extra attention. But I am withdrawing from the world. I am learning how to not connect with people I meet. I am watching and observing those around me that are masters of disguise; where everything is a charade and the unaware don't see that it's all a farce. Unlike other areas of my life where I tend to pick up new skills quickly, this is proving to be quite challenging for me. Akin to trying to change my eye colour. But I am determined (some say stubborn).
Right now, though, I am owning my filth. I feel like I have pulled my insides out, washed them and put them back only to realise that they actually are not clean enough. Now I need to start the process again with a more thorough cleanse. I realise how fortunate I am to have supportive family by my side and that they can see that there is a glimmer of potential for me in the future. Sometimes a little hope is all we need.
I have been amazed at how similar threads have been appearing in unrelated parts of my life. Perhaps it is because my focus is in a particular place (gotta love confirmational bias) but I also wonder whether the people in my life are going through a similar process as I am. I have noticed that my situation has affected the people around me. I feel both grateful for and guilty about that. I love lost and gained friends. My relationships with the people in my life will never be the same as they were because I am going through a great change. As a result of the changes I am making, there are times when I am literally overwhelmed with emotion. It is physically exhausting to work on your shit the way that I am.
From the outside, only those that know my situation would see the battle I am waging internally. I've fucked up in so many ways. I have many regrets. There are days when I am so over it all that just want to hide under the doona and let the world float by. But I refuse to be a victim. I have been subjected to situations that were well less than ideal. I have been mistreated by loved ones. As a result, I consistently feel like a failure. But I refuse to let that consume me. I am sad, I am disappointed, I am heartbroken and I am damaged.
Sure, I have a lot of work to do and it is going to be a long and lonely road but I will be different when I get to the end of that road. I will be able to make better choices. I will be well armed with a resilient set of skills, a support network and the biggest motherfucking emotional walls ever constructed. I will endure this process to ensure that I get to the point where comments from people I hardly know no longer send me into a tailspin. My walls will be solid and impenetrable and no one will be able to knock them down. I am starting to see signs of this working. I am getting better at disconnecting. Sure, I fall off the wagon from time to time and I still have my Achilles heel that needs extra attention. But I am withdrawing from the world. I am learning how to not connect with people I meet. I am watching and observing those around me that are masters of disguise; where everything is a charade and the unaware don't see that it's all a farce. Unlike other areas of my life where I tend to pick up new skills quickly, this is proving to be quite challenging for me. Akin to trying to change my eye colour. But I am determined (some say stubborn).
Right now, though, I am owning my filth. I feel like I have pulled my insides out, washed them and put them back only to realise that they actually are not clean enough. Now I need to start the process again with a more thorough cleanse. I realise how fortunate I am to have supportive family by my side and that they can see that there is a glimmer of potential for me in the future. Sometimes a little hope is all we need.
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