Boss from hell

I think everyone that works believes they have the boss from hell.  It's the natural order of things.  Let's face it, almost all of us work to live.  It is the rare few in the world that earn an income from doing something they love. 

At yoga recently the yogi was talking about the boss from hell and pointed out that the ultimate boss from hell is the one you carry around with you all the time; the one in your head.  It's the voice that screams out that you should have done this or that; the over-critical, judgmental part of your brain that never shuts up; the one that is always demanding more and berating you when you fail.  I know my "boss from hell" has perfected her job - she's a master at dishing out criticism.  And she's like the stereotypical nagging Italian Nonna.  She.  Does.  Not.  Shut.  Up!

I am trying to focus on quietening her.  What I'd really like to do is take a pillow and shove it over her face until she suffocates and dies but, as everyone needs internal controls from time to time, perhaps that is a bit harsh.  So, instead, I am learning how to tell her, politely and forcefully, to shut the fuck up.  Sometimes she's just talking shit; she speaks out of habit rather than truth and what she has to say is not pretty.  Nor is it constructive.

It's difficult to change the way you think.  Like a wise friend of mine keeps (not so sweetly) reminding me, the tool I have to fix my issues is the one that's broken in the first place.  He's right, of course.  But I already know that so his words are a waste of breath.  Telling me over and over that my mind is fucked up is about as constructive as telling a toddler that they need to go to sleep while stimulating them with a brightly coloured toy.

Any habit takes effort to change.  We're hard wired to learn new things when we are children but once habits are established (like whether you tie your shoes with two loops or one loop and a wrap-around) it takes a lot of work to undo them and learn a different way.  When those habits are internal (and therefore invisible to others), they are even harder to change.  I believe it's a matter of firstly being aware of the mental habits you want to change then trying to consistently retrain the brain to respond differently when those situations arise.  Couple this with positive reinforcement and you're about a decade away from change!  

Seriously, though, when I can transform my boss from hell to provide a balanced view, I will be a force to be reckoned with.  Until then I will learn to buffer her until her panicked screams become a gentle hum of a whisper; the quiet voice of reason.  Yet another work in progress (my life is a veritable construction zone)!