Could have. Should have. But won't

Tonight I am choosing to listen to music.  LOUD music.  So as to not disturb my neighbours I have my headphones in with the music blaring.  I have danced around my lounge room until I sweat.  That's no mean feat!  I have to dance for a long time to get to that point.  And I have to put in a lot of energy in my dancing for a long time.

I could have made another choice.  I could have sat on my couch.  By myself.   I could rethink all the mistakes I have made through my life (and, trust me, that could keep me occupied for the rest of my life).  I could ponder what would have been if things had have been different. I could visualise where I would be had I made better choices in the past.  I could think about all the things I should have in my life but just don't.

I could dwell on my loneliness and lack of worth.  I could reflect on the fact that no man sees me as special.  But the truth is that's no more the case today than it was yesterday.  

I could worry about what my life looks like to other people.  I know it doesn't look good.  So worrying about what others think is not going to get me anywhere from where I am.

I could stress about the lies people spew without thought for their consequences.  I could imagine all the happy people out there, tucked up in their beautiful homes with their gorgeous partners that adore them.  

I could.  I possibly should.  But I won't.

Today, I choose to accept the fact that I am not yet good enough for someone to adore.  When I am honest with myself I am not worthy of being loved (that doesn't mean that I don't crave that).  

I have a lot of work to do. I acknowledge that.  I accept that and I am embracing that. I am not running scared (though I am petrified).  I am not averse to hard work.  I am actually quite adept at working; slaving away and slowly chipping away at things until I reach my goals.  This is no different. This is yet another time in my life where I need to dig deep and pull out a miracle.  Prove all those doubters wrong.  Those who know me will agree that nothing motivates me more than someone telling me I cannot do something.

So fuck the critics.  They're going to find fault with me regardless of what I do.  Today, I choose to stand up to them.  Today I will fight.  Today I will dance until my lungs hurt and each breath requires effort. And I will do it all with a smile on my face.  Because I can!