To blave

One of my favourite movies is "The Princess Bride".  I love the costumes, the sets and the storyline.  It's a classic fairy tale (which, in and of itself, has fundamental flaws but we'll overlook that for now) with so many quotable lines.  One is where Westley tells the Princess Bride that there are a shortage of perfect breasts in the world and it would be a pity to damage hers.  Another is Westley's use of "as you wish" instead of "I love you".   And who hasn't used the line "you keep using that word I do not think it means what you think it means"?

I adore Inigo's  "Let me explain.  No, there is too much.  Let me sum up" and his determined "I do not budge; keep your 'Ho there!'" and "There will be blood tonight!".   I like the idea of duelling "to the pain" rather than to death and the conviction with which the Man in Black tells Buttercup that "Life is pain, Highness.  Anyone who says differently is selling something".  I cannot help but grin when Westley asks Buttercup "What hideous sin have you committed lately?" like there is nothing she could ever do to change the way he feels about her.  And, of course, there's the classic "Hello! My name is Inigo Montoya.  You killed my father.  Prepare to die".

Right now, however, the quote that rings true for me is when Miracle Max misinterprets Westley's reason for living as "to blave" rather than "true love".  That sums it up for me at the moment.  Everything is a bluff.  I am lying my way through life.  Nothing is real.  It's all a farce.  I hide my true feelings; I mask my pain (as best I can); I play at being a part time mother. And I fight.  I fight every second of every day.  I fight against my perfectionism.  I fight against my low self esteem.  I fight against my desire to contact people, to reach out.  I fight against my natural response to touch people (I literally pull my hand away).  I fight against the demons in my head.  And all the while, I pretend that everything is ok.

I try desperately to be smarter (damn inferior synapses); to make better choices; to do things differently.  To be someone I am not. They say, practice makes perfect and to fake it until you make it.  I just hope that I can get better quickly 'cause I ain't doing such a good job of anything at the moment.