Am I not pretty enough?

I have to confess to liking Kasey Chambers' "Not Pretty Enough". I can identify with every word. It describes my affliction quite plainly; I am never good enough.

I am told by family to dress and behave differently. I am told by friends that I am uptight and have no people skills. I am criticised for making the wrong choices and for liking or not liking particular things. I am never first choice; always an afterthought.

I have been faced my whole life with people telling me that I am too sensitive  To be honest, I believe my sensitivity is a big part of what makes me who I am.  Attached to it comes the fact that I am generous and kind.  I expect that others will accept that about me.  

I am learning, however, that generousity has an endpoint. I will no longer tolerate people mistreating or taking advantage of me.  Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.  

I know no one is perfect.  I am further from it than most but I still have something to offer. I am choosing to focus on what I do have, despite it not being good enough, and looking for people that will stoop down and accept me for who I am. 

Deja vu

I have been experiencing déjà vu often recently. My mind can no longer keep up.

Frankie says relax

I am on an emotional roller coaster most of the time. This is a significant improvement from where I have been in the past, unable to feel emotions.  At least I am not at the point where I have moments of joy.  And some are just spectacular!

I think Pink sums it up well in Chaos and Piss with the lines "I also feel things more than I should.  I don't relax very often, as often as I could".  I am at peace with the former and am working really hard on the latter. I am creating space to breathe.

I am not good at relaxing. I don't like sitting still. I think it is symbolic. I am in a place I don't want to be.

However, this week has been too much. I am knackered. The thought of couch time is very appealing at the moment.

Why running is like sex

The gorgeous Kate wrote a wonderful blog post today.  Nuff said.

Authenticity

Recently I have been making different choices. I have been following my heart and holding my tongue. I have been giving more and worrying less. I have been squeezing in as much as I can. I have been multitasking and prioritising the important things, most of which are important to other people rather than important to me but that is how I am; generous and selfless. 

I am still exhausted. I still have trouble sleeping but my days are mostly bearable rather than and endurance event. I am smiling more, laughing heartily and feeling free. 

I believe most of my peace and contentment at the moment stems from my acceptance. I am alone and need to be 100% self reliant.  

Change

Not long ago I wanted to change everything about me. There was nothing I liked about myself. The latter has not changed but the former is no longer true. I have been fortunate enough to turn shit around. I am at the point where I honestly could not care whether people like me or not. And I am so much happier.

I wear what I want, do my hair how I like it, wear makeup to suit my mood, eat what I want when I want and do the things I love. I am still rubbish at saying no and do more for other people than I should but I am heading in the right direction for the first time in decades.

Sometimes all it takes is a kick in the balls to make you get up and sort your shit out. I've had that and I am on the up baby!

Quick boot

Every morning I wake assessing myself against these fucked up ideals about how I should be. It is like I am in quick boot mode - self-testing my hardware.

I am a perfectionist and I am hard on myself when I fuck up. I try to learn from my mistakes and reprogram my brain. Lately I seem to be making headway on my shit. For the first time in eighteen months I am able to overrule myself. I am getting better at turning off my emotions. I am in shut down mode and it is making life much easier. I honestly don't give a fuck what people think of me. I couldn't care if they hated me. A couple of months ago I would have been mortified if someone looked at me with disapproval.  Right now I could have the world turn their back on me and I would be able to keep going.

I have turned the corner and I am not looking back.

Style file

I've worn hand-me-down clothes for over a decade. As such, I am now in the process of learning what I like and building up my wardrobe. You'd think someone in their mid thirties would know what they like!  However, when decisions have been made for you it can be a process of trial and error to discover things that have been lost.

I see this as a great opportunity. I am not boxed into anything. I am free to make my own choices and I don't have anyone steering my them. I get to explore what I like and experiment without worrying about impressing anyone or living up to their expectations. If people don't like what I choose they are not obliged to hang out with me.  I don't have to worry that someone will nay say my selection; such is the freedom that comes from being alone.

The beauty is that is it not just clothes - I get to experiment with shoes, jewellery and make up. I get to trial food, drinks, movies, TV shows and music. And no one else gets a say. No one has the power to dictate my choices. So if I want to wear a skirt on a wintery day, I will. If I feel like eating just dessert then I will skip the main course. If I want to wear a printed tshirt then that is what I will do.

Mortality

My Dad is back in hospital. He has had a few heart attacks brought on by a bout of pneumonia. I am continually amazed at his strength. He is incredible - his lungs are shot, his heart is scarred and yet he soldiers on. He is a true survivor.

His return to hospital has reminded me of how life can turn on a dime. As I lay in bed last night thinking (as I always do) I realised that, apart from not having my kids all the time, I am okay with my life. Sure, there's room for improvement; but as I become more comfortable in my own skin and at peace with who I am I realise that I am worth so much more than I have been given in the past.

I will never again settle. Life is too short to be treated poorly by someone else. I'd rather be alone than be made to feel substandard. I am not someone's maid nor am I their bit of stuff. I may not be perfect but I deserve respect. I want to be treated like an equal. I don't want to be cherished not do I want to be a doormat. I think a good match is one where both are on an even par; neither person on a pedestal and neither in the gutter. I don't know whether that's possible but I am going to look for it anyway. And I will not settle. I am stronger now than I have been for decades. I am in a position where I am okay on my own. I don't like it but I am not crying myself to sleep over it either. I realise I may die alone and unloved but I have my children and my family. For a while I am going to concentrate my effort into those that love me back.

What about me?

This is my breakfast.  Every morning I have a cup of black tea with a bowl of fruit (today is strawberries, blueberries and banana), yoghurt and my homemade muesli.  It's my thank you to my body for taking all the abuse I give it through the rest of the day.

Fill me up

In the last few weeks I have made a sequence of small changes that have been really quite positive. I am filling my life with the things I enjoy. I have been doing more for the people I love. I have been reaching out and making an effort. As a consequence I feel amazing. The best I have in at least a decade.

Tonight, as I snuggle in my awesomely comfy bed listening to my exceptionally talented cousin play some of my favourite songs on the guitar I feel my cup filling up. I have repaired the holes and I am starting to heal. The scars are still bright red but I am not longer haemorrhaging. And it feels great. I am welcoming life. Bring it on!

First choice

Everyone makes choices. All day.  Everyday.

One day I will be someone's first choice.  That dude will be one lucky motherfucker because I love well, I am loyal, I am fun, I am tolerant and I am generous. Until I am someone's first choice, no one will get the better of me.  My eyes are open and my heart is closed.

The beauty of imperfection

Rules to live by

I've been processing a lot lately. I am finally starting to feel like things are falling into place somewhat. I am getting better at doing the things I like and not feeling bad about it. There are even times when I can prioritise my needs ahead of those of others.

I was fortunate enough to have dinner at my parents tonight. While I was helping Mum clean up I realised that I need to simplify things for a while, until my headspace clears and I am stronger. I have come up with seven rules for life:

1. Cook with love - always. The food tastes better and it will put you in a good mood 
2. Eat well - related to 1, eat foods full of fresh fruits and vegetables to nourish your body
3. Stretch - not only for a supple body but to clear the mind and let go of your woes
4. Spend time in the sun - it provides vitamin D and warmth in a single dose
5. Smile - that shit is contagious
6. Be nice (until such time as it is absolutely impossible not to be)
7. Live authentically - prioritise time with family and people you love; stick to your beliefs, follow your dreams and be proud of the decisions you make 

Leaving toxicity behind

This week I have tried a new tack. I have donned a smile when I felt like crying; I have dressed up for me, wearing clothes that make me feel good; I have focused on my health by eating well and spending more time in bed and I have only contacted the people that give back to me, withdrawing from those who consistently let me down. I am finding strength as I step away from toxic relationships. I am rejuvenated in knowing that I no longer feel the need to lie to protect people. There is freedom in the truth. It sits well with me.

The more distance I put between myself and those people in my life who promise the world but deliver doughnuts the better I feel. I feel free. I am no longer stressing about motivations or worrying whether my doubts and fears are justified. I'm safe in knowing that I am relying on myself. 

I am no longer spending my evenings wondering. I am letting go; slowly but surely. I am trying to accept things for what they are and not put too much pressure on myself. I am trying to see that what I was clutching to was unhealthy and unattainable. I was never going to be good enough for him and he would never have settled for me. I am glad he is happy. He deserves to be. He was only ever on loan anyway and it was a debt I could never pay

While it hurts, sometimes in life it is necessary to accept that you are not good enough. I realise now that the weighting of my worth sits with him and no one else. I have no idea what she is like. Perhaps she is the most amazing, brilliant, perfect person on the planet. Regardless, it does not matter. He has made his choice and there's nothing I can do to change that. Despite the aching in my heart. 

Instead of mourning and sulking or having a hissy fit I choose to hold my head up high. Someone else being worth more than me does not make me worthless. It doesn't change me at all, in fact. I am still me and rather than have this destroy me I choose to be thankful for what it was. For me, it will always be something special. I will look back and smile. I will remember fondly our time together and I will use it to grow. I will move forward. I will forge ahead. 

I will rise to the next challenge. I will focus on me because I have no one else to distract from that. I will have fun, do the things I love. 

Man in the mirror

I heard an interview with P!nk today where she said something akin to "you're never going to please everybody but if you can wake up, look in the mirror and be content with the person looking back at you then you're doing okay".

For now, I am going to make this my goal.

Pursuit of happiness

I am in the pursuit of happiness. I believe that happiness as a permanent state is unattainable, a myth. I do, however, hope for contentment. I hope that there is more to life than the shit I have been experiencing lately. I accept that I am fucked up. I know that I have a lot of work to do on myself before anyone will consider me worthy of what I would like to receive. I am constantly pounding away at myself; moulding myself into something else. Trying to heal the past hurts and be strong enough to be alone.

I am starting to see that self satisfaction is the only road to happiness. Even glimpses thereof require inner peace and acceptance.

I am not proud of myself. I have made some mammoth mistakes in life but I am starting to see that everyone else is in the same boat. However, I am choosing to jump out of the boat and swim my own course. I am going to see happiness through self sufficiency. I will rely on no one. That way when I experience disappointment I will be able to rectify the situation myself.

This does not mean that I will be cutting people out of my life; quite the contrary.  I am going to continue to give selflessly to those that I love.  I believe they deserve it. The change will be in my expectations. I have never expected people to give back to me like I give to them. I know that I am strange in the way that I deal with people. I am okay with that. It is my choice.

I accept that I am more flawed than all the other people I know put together. I will own that rather than try to hide it. I choose to accept and embrace my quirkiness.  I love to dance so I will rock it to my tunes as a walk down one of Melbourne's busiest thoroughfares. I barely even notice the strange looks I get anymore - familiarity breeds contempt. I will wriggle at the photocopier while waiting for my printing; even when the music plays only in my head. I will sing out of tune at the top of my lungs as I run. I will eat real food and mock those who fill their bodies with crap. I will dress up for dinner in my own home even when I eat alone. I will chill at yoga, ignoring all the other ridiculously flexible people. I giggle trying to hold a pose rather than get frustrated and walk out. I will continue to make inappropriate jokes. I will tell the truth. I will hug more, laugh louder, and kiss my children all over until they push me away. I will continue to do things I don't enjoy to see the happiness it brings those I love. I will do what makes me happy as often as I possibly can. I will cram more into my day than I should and, when people inevitably tell me to slow my roll I will scream out "Fuck that!".

Why

I have already caught myself a couple of times today asking why (why am I not good enough, why am I second choice, why am I mistreated, why do I let people walk all over me). I have managed to turn it around each and every time to look at where these thoughts are taking me.

Small steps. Baby steps. But forward nonetheless. I am determined to make a change. I will not be controlled by my fear anymore. I will build some resilience and I will not tolerate being someone's last choice, when all other options are unavailable.  I will put in place solid boundaries.

Changing tack

I have been trying desperately to improve my self esteem. For too long, I have failed. Despite people pumping me up, I just cannot believe that I am worthy. This has had terrible impacts on many facets of my life from my career to my relationships. I have lost many of the things that mattered most to me purely due to the fact that I am deflated and feel that I am worthless.

The hen-pecked part of me creates such fear. At times it is uncontrollable. Like a raging temper, it jumps out once a line has been crossed and I cannot contain it. That tiger pounces without me being able to think it through to it's natural consequences. That's all on me. Regardless of what I have been exposed to and regardless of how long I have been exposed to it; I am responsible for my reaction to the way I feel.

This weekend, I had the great pleasure of being not only with my gorgeous children but my cousin who dedicated much of his evening to chatting to me. As a result of one of our discussions, I did some research. As a result of my research, I am going to change my tact. What I have been doing is clearly not working. I've been going over and over the same ground for months on end and I still hate every little bit of myself. I can regurgitate what others see as my strengths but I don't believe a word of it.  As a result, I make bad choices; I put up with inappropriate behaviour from others and I suffer internally.

As a part of my changed tact, I am going to try to change the way I think about things.  Rather than constantly seeking why things happen I am going to try to see where they are taking me:

A change like this doesn't happen overnight. It will take constant vigilance. I will slip, I will fall, I will probably land flat on my face but I will keep getting up and trying again; probably mainly because I am the most stubborn person I know but also because I don't want to continue on the path that I have been on.

Challenge thyself

Life is full of challenges. Whether it be financial, academic, spiritual or emotional; challenge is everywhere. The greatest challenges, however, come from within.

I fight a daily battle against myself.  I fight a war against my inner dialogue.  She's a right bitch, my inner me.  The only person she attacks is me.  No one can tear me down like she can.  She's had plenty of reassurance from external sources in the past and that's fuelled her fire.  She's feisty and quick.

I work at subduing her and silencing her but some days the best I can do is keep her down to a dull roar.  On those days, my life tends to fall to pieces.  On the days when I cannot stop her yelling at me - you're fat, you're ugly, you're useless, you're stupid, you're unlovable, you're worthless - I tend to be unable to filter what other people say.  I take things personally when they are not intended that way and I jump to conclusions that are unreasonable.

I challenge my inner dialogue constantly - I am not fat, I am not ugly, I am not useless, I am not stupid, I am not unlovable, I am not worthless.  I starve her by trying to find positive things about me that I believe are true - I am loyal, I am kind, I am considerate, I am generous, I am thoughtful, I am compassionate, I am diligent, I am honest.  But I cannot shut her up because I do not believe I am pretty, I do not believe I am worthy of love, I do not believe that I am smart.  I know that there are other people that think those things of me. However, it does not matter how often they say it; I just do not believe it.

I have spent a great deal of time in the last year trying to build myself up.  I've started small - from proving there were no consequences for choosing a particular type of mug over another - and moved to bigger things - I can make plans for a weekend and execute them without major dramas for those invited.  Now, these may seem insignificant events but, trust me, they are not to me.  Building my confidence is going to be a long and tedious road, not because I want it to be, but because I have a lot of foundation work to do.

I feel like Venice.  Built on a weak foundation of sloppy mud.  What I need to do is excavate that mud and dig in some motherfucking huge concrete pylons on which to support a strong base.  Without a strong foundation, all the glitz and glamour above means nothing.

Not fast enough

I have so much to rebuild. I know where I need to get back to and I spend a great deal of my time trying to get there but I feel like I am trying to claw my way out of quicksand. The more I work at it; the deeper in I get.

My self esteem is shot. Seriously, I have nothing. Zip. Zero. Zilch. Nada. Naught. None.

It doesn't matter how much people tell me differently; I have been conditioned to believe I am worthless and I am really struggling to get past that.  I battle it daily and have done for seventeen months.  That's nearly a year and a half.  Five hundred and forty seven days.  And I have nothing to show for it.  I am still an insecure ball of mess.

I need to learn faster.

I am so fragile; it takes the smallest thing to tip me over the edge.  I am not proud of myself.  I am not stupid but I just can't seem to get anywhere with this.  Regardless of what I do, I cannot see that I have value.

People keep telling me that I deserve better - a better partner, a better job, a better car.  The things is.  I don't.  I have myself wrapped in a layer of negativity that means that all the positive comment run off like they're butter on Teflon and the negative stuff bored into me like a rabid parasite.

Please, give me your tips on improving self esteem.  Help me learn something new to get out of this because what I have been doing isn't working and I am ruining my life for a second time in as many years.

Addendum: I have a lot of thinking time when I go to pick up my kids. Today I decided to take a different tact.  Clearly what I have been doing has not been working so I need to try something else.  I decided to go to the source to see whether my ex could shed some light on my issues.

He was a bit taken aback, obviously not expecting that I would broach such a subject with him. I am glad that I did, however, as it is something I have been avoiding and dreading for years.  I'm going to respect his privacy and not divulge what he shared here but I feel lighter following our short conversation and am going to take that as a positive sign.

Nuclear

I had an interesting conversation with my cousin recently. He likened me to having the energy of an atomic bomb; one that needs to cool down from time to time.

I lead a pretty busy life. If I am honest it's because my life is void of the things that hold true meaning to me - my children and someone to love. I run from one activity to the next as a means of avoiding the shitstorm that is my reality.

I am literally on the go at all times in an effort to occupy my mind because I don't like what goes on in there. I don't watch TV. I no longer have the concentration to read and I struggle with meditation.  I only sleep for a couple of hours a night and my head is constantly reeling.  I know this is an avoidance strategy and I recognise it is not healthy.

I acknowledge that I am making up for lost time.  I spent too many years not doing the things I loved and I am overcompensating for that now.  But there is no depth to my life; very few real connections outside my family.  I am torn between trying to accept who I am and trying to change to something else.  I do the former because for too many years I tried to be something I am not and it was unsuccessful.  The latter is because I loathe myself.  I am reminded on a daily basis of my flaws and I desperately want to change that.

I am the epitomy of a veneer.  I have nothing underneath that people are willing to hang around for.  Once people get to know me they want to change me into something else because what is there is just not good enough.  That reality is tough to take.  When it comes from every angle, from every person that you encounter, however, it has to have basis. So I power on through and try desperately to change who I am.  It's as futile as trying to change the colour of my eyes. Nothing I try seems to work and I am left to soldier on knowing that life for me is unlikely to ever get any better.